4 Otherwise Normal Animals Who Are Going on Crime Sprees
People may think that petty theft is restricted to life in the big city. However, your wallet, purse, and personal belongings are in just as much danger out in the wilderness, because we've recently discovered that the animal kingdom will rob you blind the first goddamn chance it gets.
Animals Have Taken Up Purse Snatching
Izzy Lachowicz was at a friend's house for a barbecue when a fox leaped out of the bushes and ran off with her handmade purse, because apparently the fox works for a team of Dickensian street orphans. The fox waited for everyone to go inside for drink refills before making his move, so for a time the theft was a complete mystery. The next day, Izzy found her partially eaten purse and remembered seeing a fox staring expectantly at her during the party. Evidently she thought the fox was working up the nerve to ask for her number and didn't think twice about leaving a sack made out of dead animal skin on the ground unattended.
It's basically $1,100 beef jerky.
In the same month, a woman in Fort Myers, Florida, got her purse jacked by a raccoon while watching a rehabilitated sea turtle get released at a beach event.
"Ha ha, this shit is miiiiiine!"
The raccoon sneaked in behind her and grabbed her pink clutch while she was distracted by the real-life natural drama unfolding before her eyes, but only made it as far as the bushes before dropping it. No doubt the raccoon had to explain to the sea turtle that their long, elaborate con had been for nothing.
A Colorado Bear Swipes Two Dumpsters
Bears have trouble with subtlety. It's hard to sneak around when you're a thousand-pound forest beast, and there's usually no need to, since most situations a bear finds itself in can be quickly solved by simply being a bear. This was recently demonstrated by a bear in Colorado Springs, who, rather than quietly root through the garbage behind a restaurant, decided that he would just steal the entire dumpster.
Like a boss.
That arrangement worked out so well for the bear that he came back the following night and stole the other dumpster.
If all bear crime is this adorable, we'd vote to legalize it.
A Neighborhood Is Plagued by a Kleptomaniac Cat
In the English country town of Suffolk, a Siamese cat named Theo has begun breaking into neighborhood houses and returning home with piles of cat loot, thus implicating his owners in his crimes. The contraband includes the type of junk you'd expect a cat to steal, such as other cats' toys and weird children's art projects ...
Or, possibly, primitive feline deities.
... plus a veritable laundry list of pilfered items, including a cellphone charger, bags of potato chips, and condoms, because apparently Theo is trying to tell his owners that if they can't control his crime spree, they shouldn't attempt to raise any children. It got so bad that Theo's owners started a Facebook page just to post pictures of all the things he steals so that his victims can come and claim them.
Apparently it all started when neighborhood kids started letting Theo inside their houses, at which point he would steal shit right in front of their faces and beat a hasty retreat. We assume it's only a matter of time before the local news airs an after school special about the dangers of trusting strange cats.
He does look a little like Clooney.
Baboons Are Stealing Everything
In the Western Cape town of Betty's Bay in South Africa, baboons are breaking into people's houses and taking things, because the world is occasionally a ridiculous place.
Sometimes, the universe gives us a high-five. Other times, cholera.
What you're seeing there is a captured raid on an unsuspecting home, wherein a trio of baboon soldiers busted into the kitchen and stole some chicken. They seemed to know exactly where to hit once they were inside, which suggests a fair bit of pre-emptive information gathering on their part.
"We know the bald ones keep their food in these tall bone chests. I've got this one, you go look around for more."
There's even video of the baboons scaling the walls of a residential complex and flat-out mugging people in the street.
We admire that lady's tenacity, but it's probably best to just let the baboon have the celery.
Supposedly the humans have been using pepper spray and paintball guns to try to put an end to this monkey business (all joke appreciation emails can be sent via the author link at the top of this page), which might explain why the baboons have expanded their game to include expensive linens and priceless sentimental objects.
It's psychological warfare.