As the average fast food chain patron dwindles closer to the grave, so do companies like McDonald's and Red Lobster as they reach out to the neglectful millennial generation busy lining up at their favorite local burrito joint: Chipotle.
In those final grasps for cash, a few restaurants have launched desperate, disgusting campaigns to get people in the door. Unless you've completely given up on your body and don't mind screaming in horror at everything that comes out of it, you might want to avoid these deals.
4 Taco Bell Offering Free Food for Life, Doesn't Expect You to Live Very Long Eating Taco Bell
While other fast food chains tried to win over a health-conscious audience with promises of organic and locally sourced ingredients, Taco Bell was too busy reaching into the eternal pit of sadness to bring us a maple-and-cheese-caked waffle filled with egg chunks and ambiguous meat.
Don't look away; that's how it knows you're scared of it.
And now, perhaps to commemorate the fifth anniversary of the death of their spokes-chihuahua, Taco Bell has introduced a new "Golden Ticket" ... only the "tickets" are 11 circulating U.S. dollars and the "golden" is the color of the cholesterol strangling your heart valves. That's right, Taco Bell is giving away a lifetime of free food, which, according to Taco Bell's fine print, is actually just 46 years. While the brand claims this is calculated from the even $10,000 in gift cards the "winner" will receive, we're more inclined to believe that 46 years is actually how long Taco Bell's lab determined a dedicated customer's body would last before literally bursting out their own organs.
Just imagine the waffle is your colon.
3 Pizza Hut Offers a Free Small Animal With Your Meal
Quick tip for any budding restaurant owner: if your business model implies that you keep hamster sawdust next to the mashed potatoes, you might just want to start proofreading that apology release now. While that wasn't actually the case for a Pizza Hut in Australia, it certainly was the end result when they unfurled this puppy:
Well, hamster, but you know what we mean.