As the average fast food chain patron dwindles closer to the grave, so do companies like McDonald's and Red Lobster as they reach out to the neglectful millennial generation busy lining up at their favorite local burrito joint: Chipotle.
In those final grasps for cash, a few restaurants have launched desperate, disgusting campaigns to get people in the door. Unless you've completely given up on your body and don't mind screaming in horror at everything that comes out of it, you might want to avoid these deals.
While other fast food chains tried to win over a health-conscious audience with promises of organic and locally sourced ingredients, Taco Bell was too busy reaching into the eternal pit of sadness to bring us a maple-and-cheese-caked waffle filled with egg chunks and ambiguous meat.
Don't look away; that's how it knows you're scared of it.
And now, perhaps to commemorate the fifth anniversary of the death of their spokes-chihuahua, Taco Bell has introduced a new "Golden Ticket" ... only the "tickets" are 11 circulating U.S. dollars and the "golden" is the color of the cholesterol strangling your heart valves. That's right, Taco Bell is giving away a lifetime of free food, which, according to Taco Bell's fine print, is actually just 46 years. While the brand claims this is calculated from the even $10,000 in gift cards the "winner" will receive, we're more inclined to believe that 46 years is actually how long Taco Bell's lab determined a dedicated customer's body would last before literally bursting out their own organs.
Just imagine the waffle is your colon.
Quick tip for any budding restaurant owner: if your business model implies that you keep hamster sawdust next to the mashed potatoes, you might just want to start proofreading that apology release now. While that wasn't actually the case for a Pizza Hut in Australia, it certainly was the end result when they unfurled this puppy:
Well, hamster, but you know what we mean.
Buying food for that outdoor summer booze slammer? Get a hermit crab while you're at it! Nothing says "fuck everyone involved" like offering small critters like they were novelty cups, which is probably why this promotional deal came crashing down just as catastrophically as it was received on the local chain's Facebook page. In an attempt to douse the PR grease fire, the pet store later put out a fumbling notice blaming it all on a misprint (that the Pizza Hut proudly posted on their Facebook for some reason) and that they were actually going to give away small animal kits and not the animals themselves ... despite the fact that they totally were according to an employee at the store.
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"Shit, call the IHOP and cancel our "International Have One Pet" promo."
Everyone has generally accepted that most casual dining restaurants like Cheesecake Factory and Applebee's are formulated on the equation familiarity - options = justifiable diarrhea, which might be why some business are now trying out more "shock and awe" strategies to set themselves apart.
For example, remember that scene in Se7en where John Doe makes the guy consume a dickload of pasta until he explodes? Well, now the financially struggling Olive Garden has something like that -- only instead of a godly righteous serial killer with a gun to your head, the franchise is counting on your own perverse need for self-destruction to bring the hammer down. For 1,000 lucky starch bags, the Italian kitchen offered a $100 un-fucking-limited menagerie of all the pasta, breadsticks, and salad possible to plunge down an esophagus in the span of seven weeks. That means a customer getting their full money's worth could conceivably eat dinner for about $2 a day, provided they're willing to stuff their face with fettuccine every day. To really sock that to you ... this:
This pic is from Olive Garden. They meant for the food to look like that.
Every night. Or, heck -- why not every meal until you mutate into a Parmesan-scented slug beast? That's like 68 cents a meal, 147 meals, and 70 items to choose from.
Meanwhile, the trinket-adorned Lynchian spectacle that is TGI Fridays has decided to challenge your maw to an infinite parade of appetizers for $10 at a heart-clenching 1,432 calories for a dish like their loaded potato skins. That's 1,432 calories for the first dish, which the chain politely discourages patrons from sharing with their dining mates. Oh -- and you can only eat one type of appetizer per sitting, which basically makes this entire ordeal the gastric and psychological equivalent of a Guantanamo Bay lunch menu order.
If they catch you sharing, they margaritaboard you.
If there was a queen bee of sorrowful late-night vomitorium dining experiences, Denny's would be getting all the pollen. Then they would wrap the pollen in grilled potato bread and serve it with hash browns to a drunk couple fingerbanging under the table. See, there's a reason that there's never been a Denny's in New York City: because New York City can't handle it. Like the river of slime in Ghostbusters 2, this fabled Denny's would soak up all the hate and sadness and flood the city with it -- marking an end for all mankind.
Well, guess what? It's judgment day ... and the bar is open.
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"There is no Denny's, only Zuul."
Yes, that's a Denny's. Yes, it just opened in New York City. And, yes, that's a bar. It has a bar -- because as we all know, the T-bone steak and eggs are way easier to throw up when lubricated by the subtle tangs of Jagermeister and PBR. And yes, it will be PBR -- because as if specifically going after the douchiest audience imaginable, this Denny's is offering a $300 combo meal made up of two Grand Slam breakfasts and a bottle of 2004 Dom Perignon that the customer can ironically order.
Who's the type of person that orders a $300 Denny's meal?
This is the type of person that orders a $300 Denny's meal.
Seriously, the Devil himself couldn't put together a more repulsive scenario, as idiot hipsters with disposable income can now mingle in a room with drunk New Yorkers stuffing themselves with eggs and meat. The combination is almost as volatile as the stomachs of everyone involved.
Have you tried Denny's new $300 meal? Contact Dave on Twitter to set up where and when he can punch you in the face.
For more with fun with gastrointestinal horror, see 7 Gross Foods Your Grandparents Ate (That We Taste Tested) and The 3 Most Disgusting Breakfasts in America.