Over the past few weeks, several major fast food chains have introduced new and visually disgusting additions to their morning menus, prompting what experts are calling the "breakfast wars." Why? Because apparently there is $10 billion to be made off of Americans who can't crack their own eggs in the morning.
Clearly, we had to see what the fuss was about, so we sent one lucky researcher to find out which is the least of three evils: the stalwart (McDonald's Egg White Delight McMuffin), the faux elite (Starbucks Bacon and Gouda Sandwich), or the crazy-eyed, shit-stained new kid (Taco Bell Sausage Waffle Taco)? Remember, whoever wins, society loses.
#1. Which Breakfast Is Ugliest?
If you've started your day by shouting about food out a car window, you're not expecting the "Mona Lisa" on a plate. I get that. But at some point, you've got to ask yourself this hard question: "How revolting is the food I'm wolfing down as I drive this vehicle to work?"
McDonald's Egg White Delight McMuffin
At first glance, the Egg White Delight McMuffin looks like McDonald's is making a solid effort at offering healthy breakfast food. Sure, there's bacon involved, but it's Canadian, so it's healthier. It's not until you look closer that you realize those egg whites look like someone fried up some Elmer's Glue and stuck it in a bun.
"Technically, we're still being honest about not using horse meat."
Take it apart and each new layer looks like a different stage of human decomposition.
"I am become death. Destroyer of stomach linings."
Starbucks Bacon and Gouda Sandwich
Hey, if you're going to spend money on a drive-through breakfast, you might as well go to hoity-toity Starbucks, right? This one almost looks fancy ...
... until you open it up.
Apparently breakfast sandwiches are also able to contract STDs.
This was when I discovered that the bread switched from "artisan delight" to "sponged meat holder."
The bacon was extremely thin, the "egg" was clearly yet another unholy compact of monster ingredients, and the Gouda looked like it was making a run for it and failed.
Taco Bell Waffle Taco
If you're going to go balls-out when destroying your body in the morning, Taco Bell is probably the place to start. You can tell what you're in for before you even open the box.
"Each taco is freshly run over in our parking lot as you order."
That's either grease or worker sweat:
Upon opening the Waffle Taco box, I immediately assumed it was a practical joke crafted in a rainy alleyway. It literally looks like a monster that wants to eat you instead of the other way around. Do you see it? The waffle is the lips, the sausage is the tongue, the eggs and cheese are the tartar-stained teeth (or some alien form of neuro-toxic vomit). In any case, say "AHHHHHHH!"
Just kidding. It's already too late to escape.
#2. Taste and Digestion
The second test was simply going out for three different mornings and trying to eat these things.
Morning 1: McDonald's Egg White Delight McMuffin and Free Coffee
Unfortunately, it's not hot enough to kill what's now growing inside you.
Oh, you didn't know McDonald's is handing out free coffee these days? That's their slam-dunk attempt at beating Dunkin' Donuts and Starbucks -- they just fucking give it away. But back to the breakfast: It tasted mostly like cold egg and lukewarm cheese, which flops out of the sandwich like the devil's labia. The thing actually squeaks like a dying cartoon mouse when you bite into it.
I had immediate stomach problems after ingestion that lasted for four hours, which made it the longest but not the most painful food experience on this list.
Morning 2: Starbucks Bacon and Gouda Sandwich and Vegetable Drink
This drink is a soylent-like liquid that literally tastes like earth. The sandwich was like a turd in a tuxedo due to decent bread but processed ingredients. The Gouda could have been betta.
Pain and gas only lasted an hour, but were noticeably worse than the previous meal. I rate this sandwich "the gastric torment equivalent of ripping off a Band-Aid."
Morning 3: Taco Bell Waffle Taco and Mystery Drink
"Neither will your colon."
The bag ominously reads, "Mornings will never be the same." Taco Bell's soda fountain encouraged some baffling mix-and-tweet system, which is a surefire sign that our species' capacity to invent new things has hit the wall.
Mountain Dew's original remix was turning pee into soda.
I randomly chose half Brisk iced tea, half Mug root beer, and some Mountain Dew Sangrita Blast, which tasted like #carbonatedmalice. The taco was tough to bite, but not crunchy. More like a wallet. Overall, it was sloppy and lustful and filled with disgrace. Like eating porn, or perhaps a wallet full of porn.
Health problems lasted two hours and were generally shame-based. Having only eaten one, I experienced hunger headaches coupled with an unwillingness to eat a second taco out of pride. Surprisingly little gas.
Speaking of wallets filled with porn, each item was tested in its most likely of natural habitats, starting with a bus station.
That person was actually standing inside before I opened the sandwiches.
While initially discomforting, it soon became clear that a man eating three different fast food meals in a row while sitting outside a bus station didn't seem to surprise anyone.
The presence of exhaust not only helped mask the odors of egg and cheese, but also added a tangy spice to each meal. It was almost as if all of these items were designed to go hand in hand with distracting smells and eye contact-avoidance.
Obviously, the second test was in a car.
The two sandwiches were almost equally convenient to drive with, with the exception of the McMuffin being slightly harder to unwrap.
"Easy? No, you have to earn this diarrhea."
It was only when trying the Taco Waffle that the commute became a swerving shit show filled with no-handed maneuvering and sticky extremities thanks to the added challenge of syrup.
Although some of the swerving may have been my brain subconsciously trying to end this suffering.
#4. Alcohol Pairing
The final test was to find a fitting garbage-booze for the disheveled party attendee wandering the desolate sunrise-lit streets like a dying vampire. I have no idea why, but I used vanilla coconut milk as a palate cleanser between tests. Perhaps I wanted to punish myself?
Old Crow Whiskey
All three meals were considerably improved after generous amounts of whiskey, which masked the callous thrall of egg. This, unfortunately, left us with the texture and some faint remains of the strong "Gouda" and bacon flavors, which fared well. Everything else tasted like it had been in the sink for a while.
Warm Coors Light
For the two sandwiches, the Coors Light had no effect other than washing out the flavor with the considerably less desirable taste of Coors Light. The anomaly came with the Waffle Taco combination, which resulted in a bitter chemical reaction akin to a battle for dominance. Like Voldemort and Harry, clearly one had to die for the other to live.
Orange Jubilee Mad Dog 20/20
Unsurprisingly, mixing industrial cleaner orange flavor with egg and meat did not go well ... with the exception of the Waffle Taco, which appears to be on such a divine sublevel that the taste was both intriguing and demoralizing, like Candyland regent King Kandy having unprotected intercourse inside my mouth.
Kahlua With Milk
Ever combine eggs with chocolate? There's not much to say past that, except for the fact that the overpowering syrup from the Waffle Taco yet again managed to make it such a high caliber of debauchery that it blended in deliciously with all the bad ideas -- which incidentally is what eating three fast food meals with different alcohols in a single night turned out to be, as I've never been more afraid to vomit in my life.
In conclusion, if you're going to get a processed breakfast, don't kid yourself. Grab yourself a bottle of Mad Dog and a couple Waffle Tacos. I guarantee that mornings will never be the same if you do.
David Bell would like to thank Drew Chapman for his vehicular photography skills.