3 Ways Futuristic Camera Clothing Will Soon Ruin Your Life


Have you ever looked at all the inane photos of their food/cats/babies your friends put on the Internet and thought, "I wish they had the ability to post literally thousands more of these every day"? Well, now they can, thanks to a revolutionary new invention: Meet the Memoto, the "lifelogging camera" you clip onto your chest that automatically snaps a picture of whatever's in front of you every 30 seconds.


If you're in a public restroom and see one of these, run.

The photos are automatically uploaded to the Memoto app, where you can choose which ones you want to post to places like Facebook or Instagram, but let's face it: We all know at least one asshole who's gonna leave the "Share All" option checked by default. So brace yourselves for lots and lots of pictures of ... what, exactly? Nothing too interesting, it turns out.

This Camera Will Make Your Life Look Like Dullsville

You see, since their overwhelmingly successful Kickstarter back in November, Memoto has been criticized for privacy concerns that make Google Glass look tame, but we think there's a far bigger problem its creators aren't addressing -- this may be a cool gadget for people vacationing in exotic locales or working in titty bars, but for the majority of us who don't go scuba diving one day and ice skating the next, our Memoto feeds are going to look more like this:

3 Ways Futuristic Camera Clothing Will Soon Ruin Your Life
Digital Vision./Digital Vision/Getty Images

Except, you know, from the other side. Thankfully.

99 Percent of the Photos Will Be Unusable

Seriously. Let's break down the numbers: Studies have found that we watch an average of five hours and five minutes of television per day, meaning 610 pictures of your daily Memoto feed will be comprised of nothing but images of shows you've already seen and ads you hate. But we do other important things during our day, right? Yeah, like stare at a computer screen, which we do on an average of three hours and seven minutes per day -- that's 374 daily Memoto pictures of you losing at Minesweeper, browsing novelty lamps on eBay, and wasting time on comedy websites.

3 Ways Futuristic Camera Clothing Will Soon Ruin Your Life
Comstock Images/Comstock/Getty Images

"This is from the summer of 2013, when I got heavily into Dragon Ball hentai."

Of all those pictures, 810 a month will be photos of our Facebook profiles, considering the average of six and a half hours we log on Facebook per month -- on the upside, we'll finally have some documentation and evidence of all that risky buying and selling on FarmVille. To be fair, the Memoto app can organize the pictures for you ... but only if you pay for their cloud service (it's only free for a year). Everyone else will have to spend a considerable amount of time sorting through the thousands of pictures snapped by their nipple-camera on a daily basis to find something fit for public consumption.

3 Ways Futuristic Camera Clothing Will Soon Ruin Your Life
Stockbyte/Stockbyte/Getty Images

"These are from the week when I had the shits. I have 9,000."

Your Life Will Turn into a Twilight Zone Episode

And that's where this whole thing starts getting Inception-y: even if you're an outgoing person, you'll inevitably end up with hundreds of pictures of your phone on your phone. Studies have found that we spend roughly an hour a day using smartphones, equating to about 116 Memoto pictures per month. What's gonna happen when someone is scrolling through thousands of Memoto pictures and sees a photo of themselves ... scrolling through thousands of Memoto pictures? If that causes the entire world to be sucked into a black hole, at this point we're not sure we'd even feel bad about it.

Check out XJ's $0.99 science-fiction novella on Amazon here, with the sequel coming out very soon. And of course, you should look at his writing blog and poke him on Twitter.

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