3 Futuristic Ways We're Beating the Crap Out of Summer
Summer is the season most people look forward to the most for the rest of the year, until it actually comes around and they remember it's a sweltering hellscape and their bosses won't let them screw off for three months because jobs. But this is the year 2013 -- we may not have flying cars and robot prostitutes yet, but that doesn't mean science isn't working on straight-up futuristic solutions to take the edge off some common summertime aggravations, like ...
Robots Will Work on Our Lawns for Us
For many people, summer means it's finally nice enough that you can go outside and work on your garden ... and remember that it fucking sucks. Seriously, you'd think we would have invented robots for that kind of shit years ago. Well, meet the Seedbot, which is exactly what it sounds like: a nifty little drone that goes around your yard spreading its seed.
It also doubles as a moving toilet bowl for your morning jog.
Of course, a lush lawn also means more insects, like ticks, which is why the Virginia Military Institute created a machine specifically designed to kill them motherfuckers. When the ticks see it coming, they think it's an animal and jump on its surface, which is treated with bug-murdering science.
It looks like what Batman would have built if his parents had been killed by Lyme disease.
Next comes the tedious task of moving pots around the garden and such -- yep, there's a robot for that too, and it's adorable.
The WALL-E reboot left much to be desired.
We can't wait until someone gets all three robots and they combine, Voltron style, into a lawn-tending Terminator that wields the legendary Scimitar of Mulch.
A Special Foam Will Keep Our Beers Cold
The biggest problems with ballpark beer are that it doesn't a) stay cold long enough and b) look appealing enough to children. The innovators over at Kirin -- a Japanese beer company -- have managed a simple solution to both: a special foam that keeps your beer icy for unnaturally long periods.
It also works on what passes for beer at ballparks.
Now available at spots like Dodger Stadium and Epcot Center, this tasteless white foam comes out of a margarita-serving machine like an alcoholic smoothie. The foam is able to keep your beer from overheating in the summer sun for up to 30 minutes before you throw it in the face of that Giants fan who insists on showing you his butt crack, at which point it will hopefully melt his face like acid.
"That's in Phase Two."
We'll Soon Ward Off Mosquitoes With a Magic Patch
Mosquitoes have to be one of the most annoying problems of summer, or any season, and as we've mentioned before, they're about to get annoying-er. But, short of exterminating the entire species by ingesting a virus harmless to humans that will make mosquitoes explode as soon as they bite us (we've, uh, given this some thought), what can you do? Just wear a little patch, that's what.
Above: The anti-mosquito patch, or the world's saddest condom.
It's called the Kite Patch, and it's raised over four times its target amount on Indiegogo, because what it promises is some Harry Potter shit: You stick this little patch on your body and instantly become invisible to mosquitoes for up to 48 hours. See, mosquitoes keep finding your ear in the dark as you try to sleep because they can detect the carbon dioxide you emit. The Kite Patch works by releasing chemicals that fuck up their carbon dioxide receptors, causing them to fly right past you.
Can we come up with something like this for door-to-door Jesus salesmen?
Sadly, this solution won't make all the mosquitoes spontaneously combust, but they're also using it to stop the spread of malaria in Africa. So tally one up for "improving the human condition," and scratch off another "fabulous thorax explosions."