Here's Why Credit Cards Are Different For Rich People

The rich get all the breaks: faster cars, tastier food, names with numbers in them. Speaking of numbers: If your credit limit has enough of them, you can get a personal credit card service agent who's forbidden from ever saying no to you, under penalty of torture. The sad news is that we're only half-kidding.

"If your credit limit is $20,000 or higher, you'll be serviced by the High Spend department, and we bend over backwards for our customers," Megan says. "We're actually evaluated on how above-and-beyond we go on each call, like troubleshoot website problems or app issues, call merchants with you, or even call you back so you don't have to wait on the phone."

That's right -- some rich people have gone their whole lives without being forced to listen to horrible hold music. And they say that money can't buy happiness ...

"There's even a program in High Spend where an agent can send customers flowers, a personal note, gift cards, etc. Anything to keep them happy," she says. "One time I spoke to a guy who saved up for years to go on vacation and called to notify us just before he left to travel the world, and I was able to spend $150 on a gift to help him celebrate his travels when he got home."

And we were totally serious about the High Spend agents not being able to say no to their whales:

"Now, to be in High Spend, you have to be willing to say either yes or 'I'll do what I can' to even the most ludicrous customer requests. So, for example, if a customer wants to double their credit limit, etc., I can't say no. I'll get in trouble if that call is reviewed. What I should always say is, 'I would be more than happy to do everything I can to convince management to approve your request.' I know full well that their request won't be approved, but I must try to make the customer feel special."

"Yeah, sure, let me ask management about financing options to reshoot the entire final season of Lost."

It's actually kind of heartwarming knowing that the rich are being lied to by banks just like the rest of us.

Credit card companies don't advertise this, but the real money-maker for them is the "convenience fee" or "surcharge" paid by the merchant each time your card is used (usually 3 to 4 percent). Think of it in part as shops paying for the privilege of not having to handle dollar bills that might have been stuffed into someone's jock strap. The thing is, not every merchant wants to pay those fees and will sometimes tack them to your bill, even when it's illegal for them to do so.

"I had a lady call one time asking about the fee and why we charged it," Megan recalls. "I assured her that we did not charge her, that it must be something the merchant passed on to her. I Googled it and found that this was illegal in her state. We called the merchant together. He was none too pleased with me, threatened to get a lawyer involved, at which point I said, 'Sir, we're talking about a possible $5 refund here. Do you really want to involve a lawyer to save $5?' He finally backed down and credited the customer, but that doesn't stop him from charging the next person who doesn't know about the law."

It might not seem like a lot, but for those who use credit cards often enough, it can add up. If you think you've been unfairly charged a surcharge on your Visa, you can always file a claim on their site. What you can't do, though, is use any of this information to weasel out of a credit card purchase.

"It's like going back to the bank that holds your mortgage and asking for help because the house you bought is falling down," Megan explains. "You borrowed our money and made your own decision how to spend it. We can try to help, but as far as I've been told, there's no real legal recourse unless the merchant flat-out refused to honor their end of the deal."

In short: Credit cards aren't magical talismans that allow you to skirt all the downsides of cash. You got high and bought a bounce house. Now you care for that bounce house like an adult.

Still staying in the land of semi-legality, Megan says that a few credit card companies will let you use your airline miles to pay for any expense that the customer claims is travel-related, with emphasis on "claims."

"I once informed a customer of that particular loophole," Megan says, "and the customer says, 'Oh yeah? Well, that diamond watch I bought at my local Tag Heuer shop? Totally travel-related. Let's apply my miles to that.' And I did! Saved him $800. That particular loophole is being changed, last I heard, but there's always something like that. Read the fine print!"

For those of you firmly in the "plastic Casio watch" demographic, there's also a little trick that might save you from being slapped in the mouth by your credit card interest.

"If you can't pay your bill off each month, make small payments throughout the month. Interest is calculated on the average balance you had for each day of the month. The lower that average is, the less your interest charge will be. ... Also, ask for a fee/interest waiver or a lower interest rate. Dear God, it can only help you, and if you meet the criteria, we will absolutely do it for you."

If that doesn't work, though, there's one more thing that might help you out: Tell an interesting story.

"We're human. If you have a good reason for requesting something, tell us," Megan says. "It might make a difference. For example, the rep beside me got a call from a customer who was stranded in Europe. Her boyfriend ran up her credit card in the States, and she needed to come home early. Well, she didn't have the credit on her card to pay the fee to change her plane ticket, so she called us to see if we could help. We were able to help her get on her way with an increased limit, but if the customer hadn't shared that story, she would have been told to apply online or wait up to 30 days."

Yes, we're perfectly aware that, come tomorrow, a lot of banks are probably going to get a shit ton of calls from their clients claiming to be stranded abroad and needing their credit limit increased. Project Mayhem 2.0 is officially a go.

Cezary Jan Strusiewicz is a Cracked columnist, interviewer, and editor. Contact him at c.j.strusiewicz@gmail.com.

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