4

The Rich Get Far Better Service Than You Do

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The rich get all the breaks: faster cars, tastier food, names with numbers in them. Speaking of numbers: If your credit limit has enough of them, you can get a personal credit card service agent who's forbidden from ever saying no to you, under penalty of torture. The sad news is that we're only half-kidding.

"If your credit limit is $20,000 or higher, you'll be serviced by the High Spend department, and we bend over backwards for our customers," Megan says. "We're actually evaluated on how above-and-beyond we go on each call, like troubleshoot website problems or app issues, call merchants with you, or even call you back so you don't have to wait on the phone."

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"Uh, yeah, I guess we can do your birthday call to Nana for you."

3

There Are Little Tricks Merchants Use To Screw You

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Credit card companies don't advertise this, but the real money-maker for them is the "convenience fee" or "surcharge" paid by the merchant each time your card is used (usually 3 to 4 percent). Think of it in part as shops paying for the privilege of not having to handle dollar bills that might have been stuffed into someone's jock strap. The thing is, not every merchant wants to pay those fees and will sometimes tack them to your bill, even when it's illegal for them to do so.

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"You either pay the 3 percent or I'm going bite 3 percent out of these carrots."

2

There Is No Magical "Get Out Of Purchase Free" Option

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We all make mistakes, but does that mean we should pay for them? Both your dad and credit card companies say, "Yes, it's the only way you'll learn." Megan elaborates: "Customers constantly call to try to back out of deals made with merchants. If you voluntarily pay someone, we can't cancel it. Like the time a gentleman called after giving a window company a down payment during a high-pressure sales call. He had no intention of buying the windows, but he wanted the pressure to stop, and he figured his credit card company would just cancel it later. That's not how it works. We can help mediate, but if the merchant doesn't refund your money, there's not much we can do."

This of course does not apply to fraud, and in some cases, your credit card issuer might refund you the money and eat the cost as a show of goodwill. But not if you're Joe Schmoe coming down from a night of drunk-shopping on Amazon.

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"Hi, MasterCard? It happened again."

1

There Are A Few Credit Card Tricks That Can Instantly Improve Your Life

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And now, to completely refute those stupid jerks that wrote the last paragraph, here are some magical credit card tricks.

"If you call the 'outside the U.S. and Canada' number, you'll automatically be put into the High Spend queue," Megan says. "You'll have to wait for us to look up your info, but an extra minute on the phone to potentially get fees and interest waived and maybe even some presents sent to you? Who knows, it might work."

Still staying in the land of semi-legality, Megan says that a few credit card companies will let you use your airline miles to pay for any expense that the customer claims is travel-related, with emphasis on "claims."

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"You've never heard of PornHub Airlines?"

"I once informed a customer of that particular loophole," Megan says, "and the customer says, 'Oh yeah? Well, that diamond watch I bought at my local Tag Heuer shop? Totally travel-related. Let's apply my miles to that.' And I did! Saved him $800. That particular loophole is being changed, last I heard, but there's always something like that. Read the fine print!"

For those of you firmly in the "plastic Casio watch" demographic, there's also a little trick that might save you from being slapped in the mouth by your credit card interest.

"If you can't pay your bill off each month, make small payments throughout the month. Interest is calculated on the average balance you had for each day of the month. The lower that average is, the less your interest charge will be. ... Also, ask for a fee/interest waiver or a lower interest rate. Dear God, it can only help you, and if you meet the criteria, we will absolutely do it for you."

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"You mean I can just ask to get it all waived? Shopping spree!"

If that doesn't work, though, there's one more thing that might help you out: Tell an interesting story.

"We're human. If you have a good reason for requesting something, tell us," Megan says. "It might make a difference. For example, the rep beside me got a call from a customer who was stranded in Europe. Her boyfriend ran up her credit card in the States, and she needed to come home early. Well, she didn't have the credit on her card to pay the fee to change her plane ticket, so she called us to see if we could help. We were able to help her get on her way with an increased limit, but if the customer hadn't shared that story, she would have been told to apply online or wait up to 30 days."

Yes, we're perfectly aware that, come tomorrow, a lot of banks are probably going to get a shit ton of calls from their clients claiming to be stranded abroad and needing their credit limit increased. Project Mayhem 2.0 is officially a go.

Cezary Jan Strusiewicz is a Cracked columnist, interviewer, and editor. Contact him at c.j.strusiewicz@gmail.com.

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