"It's like going back to the bank that holds your mortgage and asking for help because the house you bought is falling down," Megan explains. "You borrowed our money and made your own decision how to spend it. We can try to help, but as far as I've been told, there's no real legal recourse unless the merchant flat-out refused to honor their end of the deal."
In short: Credit cards aren't magical talismans that allow you to skirt all the downsides of cash. You got high and bought a bounce house. Now you care for that bounce house like an adult.
There Are A Few Credit Card Tricks That Can Instantly Improve Your Life
And now, to completely refute those stupid jerks that wrote the last paragraph, here are some magical credit card tricks.
"If you call the 'outside the U.S. and Canada' number, you'll automatically be put into the High Spend queue," Megan says. "You'll have to wait for us to look up your info, but an extra minute on the phone to potentially get fees and interest waived and maybe even some presents sent to you? Who knows, it might work."
Still staying in the land of semi-legality, Megan says that a few credit card companies will let you use your airline miles to pay for any expense that the customer claims is travel-related, with emphasis on "claims."
"You've never heard of PornHub Airlines?"
"I once informed a customer of that particular loophole," Megan says, "and the customer says, 'Oh yeah? Well, that diamond watch I bought at my local Tag Heuer shop? Totally travel-related. Let's apply my miles to that.' And I did! Saved him $800. That particular loophole is being changed, last I heard, but there's always something like that. Read the fine print!"
For those of you firmly in the "plastic Casio watch" demographic, there's also a little trick that might save you from being slapped in the mouth by your credit card interest.
"If you can't pay your bill off each month, make small payments throughout the month. Interest is calculated on the average balance you had for each day of the month. The lower that average is, the less your interest charge will be. ... Also, ask for a fee/interest waiver or a lower interest rate. Dear God, it can only help you, and if you meet the criteria, we will absolutely do it for you."
"You mean I can just ask to get it all waived? Shopping spree!"
If that doesn't work, though, there's one more thing that might help you out: Tell an interesting story.
"We're human. If you have a good reason for requesting something, tell us," Megan says. "It might make a difference. For example, the rep beside me got a call from a customer who was stranded in Europe. Her boyfriend ran up her credit card in the States, and she needed to come home early. Well, she didn't have the credit on her card to pay the fee to change her plane ticket, so she called us to see if we could help. We were able to help her get on her way with an increased limit, but if the customer hadn't shared that story, she would have been told to apply online or wait up to 30 days."
Yes, we're perfectly aware that, come tomorrow, a lot of banks are probably going to get a shit ton of calls from their clients claiming to be stranded abroad and needing their credit limit increased. Project Mayhem 2.0 is officially a go.
Cezary Jan Strusiewicz is a Cracked columnist, interviewer, and editor. Contact him at email@example.com.
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