Have you ever imagined how a homeless man pleasures himself? What am I saying? You're on the Internet. You've not only imagined it, you've looked it up and made a shitty pun in the comments section of the Reddit thread about it. Well, you can take the homeless out of the masturbator, but you can't take the masturbator out of the homeless. Our residents masturbated everywhere, often and with great creativity and enthusiasm. Some would even call us to their rooms under false pretenses so that we could admire their ability to strangle the cyclops.
sumnersgraphicsinc/iStock/Getty ImagesProblem: Jackin' it. Solution: Jacket it.
One day while we collected the trash, a resident held out a banana peel and proclaimed "I fucked this!" with a sense of pride normally reserved for showing off your newborn child.
tpzijl/iStock/Getty Images "Banana in the streets, plantain in the sheets."
Something about mental hospitals seems to drive people into a lustful frenzy. At night, residents are locked in their rooms, but there's a little door that can be unlocked to pass them food or whatever. If someone were to squat, that door would be at crotch level, and you can connect the dots from there. I worked with a woman who was caught on the surveillance camera positioning herself in front of the door juuust right. That's embarrassing enough on its own, but it's not like the cameras were hidden. Part of her job was to monitor them. She had to know she was going to be caught, but apparently the only thing sexier than a bad boy is a criminally insane boy.
Some May Never Be Rehabilitated, But You Can't Forget the Ones Who Are
When you're working with severely mentally ill criminals, there aren't a lot of feel-good stories. But there are some. One resident was arrested for minor crimes, sent to us, tried and released, and arrested again. The first time he was admitted, he was 18 and, for lack of a better word, a vicious asshole. He insulted and threatened everyone like he was on Xbox Live. But the second time he came through, he was totally pleasant. He had just been so terrified that first time that he wanted to scare everyone else so they wouldn't mess with him. I helped him pass his competency test, explained where he could look for a job, and told him what his educational options were. He was released, and later a coworker ran into him bussing tables at Red Lobster. The kid thanked us for our help, and that really made my day -- not as much as it would have if he'd been at, like, a Sizzler or something, but at least it wasn't a Chili's.
Hozombel "If it weren't for you, there's no telling what depths I would've sunken to."
Then the kid got arrested again because he had stopped taking his medication. The relapse cycle is depressingly common. Sometimes residents don't even make it to trial before being readmitted. When a resident is found competent they go back to county jail to await court. Jails can't force them to take their medication, so they might stop and regress to the point where there's no choice but to send them right back to us.
Thinkstock Images/Stockbyte/Getty ImagesIt's the ciiiircle of mental health, And it masturbates us aaaalll
But you can't let all the failures get you down, or else you won't be able to enjoy the progress. I've worked with people who have gone from uncontrollably smearing their shit on the wall to stable human beings who are fully in control of what shit they smear on which wall. It's truly moving.
For more insider perspectives, check out 5 Horrifying Truths About Being a Medical Doctor and 5 Harsh Truths You Learn as a Doctor in the Third World.
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