The 10 Greatest Uses of Trash Talk in the History of War
Nothing about Hollywood is more unrealistic than the droll one-liners delivered in the heat of battle. Nobody's brain operates like that in real life -- when facing imminent destruction, most of us just manage a few mumbled words followed by the sound of retching.
Yet history records some badass trash talk that would put Schwarzenegger to shame, some spoken in dire circumstances. Of course, it takes a certain type of badass. Like ...
#10. King Leonidas I, the Battle of Thermopylae
Via The Situation:
We've devoted a fair amount of analysis to the events of the movie 300, not because so much of it is bullshit, but because a lot of the more awesome elements of the story are regarded by historians to be true. The Spartans' ability to trash talk is among them.
Prior to the battle, it was demanded that Sparta submit to the overwhelmingly powerful Persia by its ambassador. When he demanded that the Spartans surrender their arms, Leonidas had an answer.
The Quote:
"Come and take them."
(Or in the original Greek, "Molon labe.")
The Spartans are kind of famous for being able to not give a fuck in very few words, and this was their masterpiece. This simple Greek phrase somehow managed to roll every top badass one-liner into two words -- alternate interpretations include "Over my dead body" and "Bring it."
Getty
We're saying they smelled what he was cookin'.
The Aftermath:
This was, of course, the official foreplay to the Battle of Thermopylae, where a lot of the most badass, overacted lines from 300 would actually be spoken. Yes, that stuff about how Spartans would fight in the shade of the enemy's arrows and dine in hell (well, Hades) is actual, historically documented fact.
Via Wikimedia Commons
It turns out you can condense Badass into bricks.
#9. General Robert Nivelle, the Battle of Verdun
Via The Situation:
On June 23, 1916, about halfway into one of the bloodiest battles in World War I (and human history), French General Robert Nivelle issued an order to his tired and tattered troops, forced to stand against the impeding German forces. The order was simple.
The Quote:
"They shall not pass!"
Via Wikimedia Commons
General Robert Nivelle the Gray.
Or rather, "Vous ne les laisserez pas passer, mes camarades" (it's not a very badass language, French). But the shorter, punchier form is the one that everyone heard and remembered. And we mean everyone.
Via Wikimedia Commons
Well, everyone except Chad. That guy's a douche.
The Aftermath:
This simple phrase electrified the troops to the point that it was made immortal. "They shall not pass!" became the definitive slogan for the soldiers defending the Maginot Line and achieved cultural immortality soon afterward. The phrase has appeared on books, posters and medals, and continued to be used as the defiant slogan for numerous movements throughout the 20th century and beyond. And Gandalf.
Via Wikimedia Commons
This medal is awarded to the survivors of Verdun and anyone who kills a Balrog.
#8. Genghis Khan, the Siege of Bukhara
Via Wikipedia
The Situation:
If there's one thing history has taught us, it's that anyone who picked a fight with Genghis Khan was likely to experience a ton of rapidly approaching ass-kickery.
Via Wikimedia Commons
Even though you just can't help but want to pinch those adorable cheeks!
Shah Muhammad II of the Khwarazmian Empire found this out the hard way when he insulted Genghis by killing his messenger. This not only resulted in one of the most brutal acts of revenge in history, but one of the most systematic dismantlings of a civilization in history. Some Khwarazmians called the destruction of an entire nation over one messenger slight overkill. The Khan had an answer for them:
The Quote:
"I am the Flail of God. If you had not committed great sins, God would not have sent a punishment like me upon you."
Yes, Genghis Khan was something of a supervillain.
Via The Aftermath:
Genghis Khan went on to become a legendary leader, fighter and lover, whereas you don't see a whole lot of Khwarazmians around. Shah Muhammad II spent the rest of the days in forgotten exile on an island in the middle of nowhere, no doubt fully aware of the fate his empire suffered due to his terminal lack of good manners.
Photos.com
"I told you no creamer! Where did you say you were from, again -- Atlantis?"
#7. John Paul Jones, the Battle of Flamborough Head
Via The Situation:
John Paul Jones, the father of the American Navy and the one-time temporary conqueror of England, found himself in dire straits on September 23, 1779, during the Battle of Flamborough Head. While dueling the HMS Serapis, Jones' boat was outgunned, undermanned and, ultimately, sinking.
Also, just about everything was on fire.
Having clearly won, Captain Pearson of the Serapis asked Jones if he was ready to surrender. Any sensible sailor would realize "certain death" was the only other option, but John Paul Jones was not a sensible sailor. According to the English, in fact, he was a flat-out pirate.
Via History.navy.mil
We can't see why.
From a sinking ship whose decks were awash with blood, Jones shouted ...
The Quote:
"I have not yet begun to fight!"
After this ballsy proclamation, which likely had the opponent in stitches, Jones began to fight. He rammed his ship into the Serapis, cleared its deck with sharpshooters and had his men storm its deck with swords and grenade-bombs like the pirates they totally weren't, honestly.
Via Deanmosher.com
This picture was brought to you by the letter "Arrr!"
The Aftermath:
Jones' ship was lost, but Jones and his men had no problem commandeering the Serapis. He sailed it to the Dutch Republic, where Jones was hailed by the drug lords in Amsterdam as "The Terror of the English."
Upon hearing that Captain Pearson, who had also survived the encounter, had been knighted for valor at Flamborough Head, Jones added to his list of awesome quotes with:
"Should I have the good fortune to fall in with him again, I'll make a lord of him."
Via Wikimedia Commons
Lord of the zings! BAM!
#6. Oliver Hazard Perry, Battle of Lake Erie
Via The Situation:
Commodore Oliver Hazard Perry was the type of man that Cracked lists were invented for, starting with his impossibly ballsy name.
Via Wikipedia
His real first name was "Fist," but people kept fainting.
When he engaged the Royal Navy in the Battle of Lake Erie during the War of 1812, the 27-year-old Perry famously boasted, "If a victory is to be gained, I will gain it." He meant it.
Perry experienced slight setbacks, like his flagship getting sunk while he was on it, but the battle was nevertheless one of the most spectacular naval victories in U.S. history, so much so that it marked the first time a British naval squadron had surrendered, ever.
Via Wikimedia Commons
Perry takes a few minutes during battle to get a little fishing time in.
As the ships were now the property of the U.S. Navy, Perry sent a message to General William Henry Harrison to let him know about their recent acquisitions. The message described all Perry felt there was to describe about such a historical victory:
The Quote:
"We have met the enemy and they are ours."
The Aftermath:
Perry became one of the most beloved heroes of the war, alongside the ranks of future presidents Andrew Jackson and William Henry Harrison. Had he not perished just a few years later, it could very well have been him sitting in the presidential chair instead of Harrison.
Via Wikimedia Commons
Believe it or not, this man was once famous for a lot more than dying.
Now, the best we have to offer him is a stamp.
Via Wikimedia Commons
With mutton chops like that, you bet your ass this stamp was worth a dollar.
Oliver Hazard Perry has a class of frigates named after him.
Replyi hate to nitpick but what really was said with the Spartans was that if there persia wins then they will burn the cities to the ground, and rape and murder there women etc. insert more horrible s**t here.
Replybut the message the Spartans sent back was even more badass, just one word, from the message "If"
nitpicking over
I recall years ago reading in a book about Napoleon's invasion of Russia in 1812 a Russian general stating: "He will break his teeth biting us!".
ReplyI'm surprised General Anthony McAuliffe of the 101st Airborne isn't on this list. He was the guy who wrote back, 'Nuts' to the German general who wanted him to surrender Bastogne during the Battle of the Bulge.
ReplySherman is my hero. The utter annihilation of Georgia is something I can only hope for these days to happen to every ass-backwards Republican state. Sherman set a precedent that will never be matched in whooping the s**t out of those ignorant Southern fucks. God send us another Sherman to just destroy all that exists in the South so that planet Earth can start recovering from that scum.
ReplyGeorgia was a Democratic state.
Wow, #1 is somebody I'm descended from! How exciting!
ReplyI am surprised Admiral Lord Nelson didn't make this list. He's full of awesome quotes. I guess none of them were actually trash talk so much as insubordination though.
Replyf**k sherman
ReplyDoes syphilis actually create new rectums?
ReplyNot that I'm aware of, but open sores are one symptom. D:
My French is bad (Canadian, and not even Quebecois), but I can tell that is a pretty bad translation of #9. Its more along the lines of "You will not allow them to pass, my friends"
ReplyHe got the sentiment right, and the medal "Ne Passe Pas" is closer to "they shall not pass" (but past tense I think)
Ahh, Spartans, so full of badass quotes (and touching lil boys, apparently XD). I wait with bated breath when a summer action flick adopt that second line with a dramatic setting: evil villain poised to strike saying, "For if my blade cuts off your head, your family is next", and the badass hero gave a growl, "If".
ReplyAlso, so THAT'S where Bugs Bunny have been referencing that "I have not yet begun to fight" line. XD
Raising your flask to the enemy and saying "Here's at you" is waaay more badass than "I'll take your guns"
ReplyWilliam T. Sherman from #2 is clearly Jason Statham, if Jason Statham wasn't bald.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesCannot unsee it.
Ho-lee balls you're right!
Yeah with a shaggy beard and a comb-over.
Damn the Torpedoes! Full Speed Ahead! David Farragut wins by a (nautical) mile. LoL
ReplyThat's cool, but it wasn't directed to the enemy.
Neither was number 6, first one I happened to glance at.... so...
#4 should be #1
ReplyWhen I read the title of this, I thought of #4 immediately and just assumed it would be number 1. When it wasn't, I was excited to see what badassery lay ahead. I was greatly disappointed. So I must echo, #4 should be #1. You don't get more badass than sparta's history of fighting words. "Come and take them" should be #2. Everyone else is way too talky.
It depends on whether you're judging them by the coolness of the quotes or the stories behind them I think.
There's a Perry monument/lighthouse in Port Clinton, and it killed a few people a couple years back (it was falling apart) So he got a bit more than a stamp
ReplyPerry's Monument is on Put-in-Bay (South Bass Island) in Lake Erie. It is in the middle of a three year renovation. I think it is scheduled to open this summer for the 200 year celebration of the War of 1812, but the Battle of Lake Erie took place in September of 1813. In the Battle of Lake Erie, he was basically fighting the British by himself and his ship got sunk while his number two in command wasn't fighting and was staying far back. The British thought they won the battle and started celebrating. Perry got on a rowboat and took his number 2's ship and went back to fighting and won the battle and he was awarded the Medal of Honor for this. I am from the area. The battle took place just off of Put-in-Bay which isn't far from Port Clinton (mainland Ohio). It's near Cedar Point the amusement park and the town, Sandusky, the town they try to save in Tommy Boy. Put-in-Bay is a huge party island, a mini Key West in Lake Erie.
Oh man. The 2 Spartan entries are so awesome. Perfect 10 on the badass scale.
ReplyYou should check out the wiki linked in the first one, there are about 20 examples from/about Spartans that are all varying amounts of badass.
"Casualties many; Percentage of dead not known; Combat efficiency; we are winning." (Colonel David M. Shoup, USMC, Tarawa, 21 November 1943.) That is bad ass... and if you do a little research Japan claimed it would take a million men a million yrs to take that strong hold.... US Marines took it in just 24 hours.
ReplyAn entire chapter in my Civilizations and Belief Systems lecture was devoted to Genghis Khan. I was surprised to learn that the man who conquered the entire civilized world (as it was in those days) left no likeness of himself anywhere during his lifetime. He forbade it. It was a couple of centuries after his death before anyone dared to paint his face, but by then no one really remembered what he looked like. All those portraits you can find were drawn from imagination and wishful thinking.
ReplyJacopo, great article, but you overstate the Macedonian’s alleged fear of Sparta. I’ve always felt the admiration of Sparta to be a little exaggerated. In fact, the Macedonians did defeat the Spartans at Megalopolis (true, the Spartans were outnumbered, but that’s war for you), but according to wikipeda, the Spartans were so traumatized by this that when the rest of Greece revolted against Macedon, Sparta apparently decided discretion was the better part of valor and kept its mouth shut. The Spartan bad asses were also crushed by Thebes in the battle of Leuctra. I guess if they’d spent more time boning women instead of men, they might have had the numbers to maintain their fascist society a bit longer.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesyou do realize that this was ancient greece right? the concept of homophobia wasn't invented yet so i doubt their loss had anything to do with their enemies boning more women then men to keep their numbers up, back then they all boned the same, macedonians and thebes were probly boning just as many menas sparta was.
Someone needs to google Sacred Band of Thebes...
Gentlemen, my comments was not meant to be an anachronistic value judgement on their sexual mores (and I'm familiar with the Sacred Band, thanks very much). I was referring to the fact that some arguments have attributed the Spartan decline to the fact that their institutionalized pederasty, coupled with a lifetime of rigorous training that left little time for a normal married life, and that both men and women were expected to be in training for most of the time, led to declining birthrates that saw their ranks dwindle until all their individual badassery didn't end up counting for much in battle.