The French call it “l’esprit d’escalier,” or “staircase ghost.”
To the rest of us, it is known simply as the comeback, that divine and tender coincidence of all the universe’s comedic forces at the perfect moment. A truly good comeback can instantly turn tables, elevate the terminally zinged to the status of champion, and reduce the zinger to a stuttering fool.
Sadly, many of us will go our entire lives without scoring a decent comeback, doomed to pause awkwardly and mutter some pathetic variation of “your face” for the rest of our miserable lives. For us, it must be enough simply to marvel at the comebacks of the better equipped, and possibly memorize them for later personal use. After all, you never know when you’re going to have to take that bitch Lady Astor down a peg.
The Players:
Most sources credit this exchange to John Wilkes and John Montagu, the Earl of Sandwich, although occasionally it’s also credited to British Prime Ministers Benjamin Disraeli and William Gladstone. I’m going to assume Sandwich said it, because it’s less satisfying to make fun of a guy who is considered the precursor of the modern politician than a guy who invented putting stuff in bread.
Setting the Scene:
When not revolutionizing the consumption of sliced meats and cheeses, Montagu was known for his incompetence, cruelty, lechery, and Satan-worshipping. The Earl was a member of The Hellfire Club, a “satanic” group dedicated to amoralistic hedonism, which totally explains all the sandwiches. There’s not a lot more seductively evil than a hot pastrami on rye. He was also responsible for commanding the British navy at the time of the American Revolution, and his incompetence at doing so is considered by historians to have been a large deciding factor in the war, so much so that when he died a popular proposed epitaph was “Seldom has any man held so many offices and accomplished so little.” Posthumous zing! Basically, the Earl of Sandwich was exactly like that Jack in the Box commercial made him out to be.
John Wilkes, another politician and member of The Hellfire Club, apparently pointed this out to him at some point, because the two were mortal enemies for most of their lives. Wilkes even famously Punk’d him by releasing a baboon dressed in a cape and horns at a meeting of THC while Sandwich was 
“invoking Satan.” It’s said to be this incident that inspired Sandwich to clutch his fear-soiled robes about himself and declare–
The Zing:
“Sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox.” To which Wilkes replied–
The Comeback:
“That will depend, my lord, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.”
Then the baboon clawed Sandwich’s face off while the real Satan appeared and congratulated Wilkes on the burn.
What We Would Have Said:
“Well I do know. I will die on the gallows…for murdering thee–in the face!”
The Players:
Winston Churchill, one of Britain’s best-loved Prime Ministers, helped lead the nation to victory in World War II by sitting on his fat ass, smoking cigars, and delivering more quotable lines than an entire staff of Simpsons writers. Churchill was such a powerful force in English politics that his death ensured work for ugly British actors for at least the next millennia. During his time in Parliament, he often had the occasion to square off against the conservative Lady Astor, first female member of Parliament and renowned wit. Whether Astor’s penchant for attacking Churchill was due to his being a heavy drinker, occasionally sexist, or simply a worthy sparring partner, their scuffles proved that if there’s anything politicians do well, it’s talk some serious shit.
Setting the Scene:
I should actually say “scenes.” Astor, who eventually became a Christian Scientist, didn’t much cotton to Churchill’s habit of smoking cigars by the case while double-fisting whiskey sours. Churchill may have started the rivalry when he compared Astor’s election to Parliament to be “like being intruded upon in the bathroom.” To which Astor replied “you’re not handsome enough to have such fears.” Reportedly Churchill then choked on a lungful of cigar smoke, eyed her through the haze, and muttered “it’s on now.” And on it was, with such exchanges as:
Churchill: “What disguise would you recommend I wear to your costume ball?”
Astor: “Why don’t you come sober, Prime Minister?”
Astor: “If you were my husband, I’d poison your tea.”
Churchill: “Madam, if you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
But perhaps the best-loved Astor/Churchill battle is the following, made doubly impressive by the fact that, by the admission of both parties, Churchill was visibly drunk at the time–
The Zing:
“Mr. Churchill, you are drunk!”
The Comeback:
“Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly but tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be ugly.”
What We Would Have Said:
“I won World War II, Ass-turd, so shut it. You know, Nazis? Hitler? Your face.”
The Players:
Dorothy Parker and Clare Boothe Luce are the type of women destined to make this list. Both were renowned for their incisive wit, both were prolific and award-winning writers, and both loved a good old-fashioned cat fight. Parker was one of the founding members of the Algonquin Roundtable, a group of writers, editors, and intellectuals who met for lunch every day to say quotable things and laugh urbanely about how much smarter than the general public they all were. Luce, aside from being a playwright, served as U.S. Ambassador to Italy and a Congresswoman, thereby posthumously zinging the hell out of Lady Astor.
Setting the Scene:
By the time these two fulfilled their comedic destinies, they had a lot to be pissy about. Parker had become a left-wing activist, picketing for Sacco and Vanzetti, penning the disillusioned Oscar-winner A Star Is Born, and promptly getting blacklisted by the McCarthy machine. Meanwhile, Luce had converted to Roman Catholicism and become more conservative than ever, as well as one of the leading voices against the “growing threat of Communism.” Basically, they did everything they could to become exact opposites of one another, short of Parker getting a sex change. Thus, when they arrived simultaneously at the front door of the Waldorf-Astoria hotel to attend a party, both had to get a dig in. Luce began the proceedings by holding the door for Parker and intoning–
The Zing:
“Age before beauty.”
Parker then ended the proceedings by stepping through the door and shooting back–
The Comeback:
“Pearls before swine.”
Luce’s Bible then burst into flames, burned its way out of her purse onto the ground, and flipped open to that particular verse while the Pope, who had been arguing with the guy at the check-in counter, started to high five Parker repeatedly.
What We Would Have Said:
“More like beauty before age! Which is why I’m going first, because I’m the most beautiful, and also the oldest. So yes, age and beauty both first, together. Fuck you and your stupid face.”
The Players:
Not a lot of religious figureheads are known for their sharp wit. Jesus kind of painted himself into a corner with the whole “turn the other cheek” thing, and Jehovah’s idea of a comeback was killing your entire town in a rain of brimstone and blood. Not exactly Friar’s Club Roast material. Meanwhile, 
Mohammed’s pathetic attempts at insult are the stuff of legend, and while Joseph Smith once said something about Vishnu winning an “arms race,” the reference was lost on most in attendance.
Yes, in the religious world, Siddhartha “The Buddha” Guatama is the undisputed king of zing. Raised in a palace and educated as a prince, he had the broad knowledge base required for improvisational mockery. And, as a proponent of balance in all things, he’s one of the few religious figures who can justify the use of a withering comeback. After all, what better way to balance out an insult than an insult of equal force in the opposing direction? This concept encompasses all the teachings of Buddhism (there’s some Newtonian physics mixed in there too).
Setting the Scene:
Buddha was meditating beneath a tree, as he is wont to do, and presumably wondering why he found it so difficult to shed those few extra pounds of belly fat (hint: try standing up some time). Naturally, this made The Buddha cranky, so when some random asshole started hurling petty insults at him, he decided to get all Socratic on his ass a full century before Socrates was even born. The lesson goes something like this–
The Zing:
Asshole: “Buddha, you are one fat piece of work. Wow. I hope you eat some bad pork and die.”
Buddha: “If a man offered a gift to another but the gift was declined, to whom would the gift belong?”
Asshole: “To the one who offered it…but I really don’t see where you’re going with—“
The Comeback:
Buddha: “Then I decline to accept your abuse and request that you keep it for yourself.”
The asshole was then spontaneously reincarnated as the lowest form of life, a list-based comedy writer.
What We Would Have Said:
“You’ll be sorry when I’m Enlightened! Then you’ll pay…then you’ll all pay, right through your stupid faces.”
The Players:
Churchill you may remember from several minutes ago. At this point in our story, he’s still the British Prime Minister, still drinks and smokes like a fish’s chimney, and still seems to spout off horrendous 
burns like some kind of reverse fireman. This time, the target of his fire hose is George Bernard Shaw, Irish playwright, author of Pygmalion, and Socialist extraordinaire. Shaw spent most of his life crusading for the working class, even going so far as to donate the monetary portion of his Nobel Prize in literature to the effort to translate Swedish works of literature into English. This also qualified him for the Nobel Prize in Most Obscure Donation, the financial proceeds of which he used to build a gold statue of himself.
Setting the Scene:
When Shaw’s play Major Barbara went up (or by some accounts Pygmalion), he decided to invite Winston Churchill to the opening via personal telegram. Shaw and Churchill had what could be termed a “friendly rivalry” going on, insofar as both had at one point publicly called the other vastly overrated. But since Nobel Laureates are “above” expressing rivalry by punching each other mercilessly in the shoulder, Shaw’s telegram read–
The Zing:
“Have reserved two tickets for opening night. Come and bring a friend—if you have one.”
Churchill wired back–
The Comeback:
“Impossible to come to first night. Will come to second night—if you have one.”
Churchill then chuckled at his own telegram, rolled over in bed, and helped Lady Astor sneak out the fire escape.
What We Would Have Said:
“Request another ticket, as I am bringing two friends–my balls. Will introduce them to your face.”
The Players:
Calvin Coolidge isn’t known for a lot. He’s one of those Presidents you tend to shuffle into the Pearce/Taylor/Hayes/Garfield category, and even Garfield inspired a fat cartoon cat. Any cartoon character inspired by Coolidge would likely be “cold, distant, silent and detached,” as papers of the day described him. And while I personally would find a cold and detached cartoon cat to be an awesome concept for a comic strip, no brave artist has as yet stepped up to the plate. Until then, we’ll have to satisfy ourselves with this anecdote, which will probably have a more lasting impact on the nation than anything else “Silent Cal” did while in office.
Setting the Scene:
Coolidge earned his reputation for silence at a string of lavish dinner parties thrown by New York and Washington’s high society. When asked why he attended so many of these parties, despite seeming to be a general downer at them, he shrugged and said, “Got to eat somewhere.” So you get an idea of what a great guy he was. At a particular party, Dorothy Parker—the pearls/swine lady from before—decided that devouring the soul of Clare Boothe Luce wasn’t enough; she wanted the President. Turning to him, she said–
The Zing:
“Mr. Coolidge, I’ve made a bet against a fellow who said it was impossible to get more than two words out of you.”
The Comeback:
“You lose.” Coolidge continued staring into his soup, spoon poised, waited for a proper amount of awkward silence to pass, then slurped continuously for upwards of twenty seconds.
Although Parker still got Coolidge in the end, famously responding to the news of his death by asking “How can they tell?” Posthumous zing number two!
What We Would Have Said:
“Your face.”
The Players:
Yes, the estate of Winston Churchill is sponsoring a large portion of this article. In case you’ve forgotten, he’s the UK PM with Hitchcock’s physique and Castro’s capacity for oral tobacco intake. 
Francis Crick, along with his loyal manservant Watson, sleuthed the basic helical structure of DNA and single-handedly foiled the evil Professor Moriarty.
Setting the Scene:
When Cambridge put in a chapel in the early 60’s, Crick, who at that time was keeping busy nailing the hell out of his bio students and driving around in a Beemer with the vanity plate “ACGT,” became morally outraged and resigned his post. As it is a British the custom to grind salt into the wounds of fellow celebrities by mail, Winston Churchill wasted no time in sending Crick a letter “consoling” him for the loss he suffered due to his stubborn ideals.
The Zing:
Churchill’s letter urged Crick to take back his old job and try not to mind about the church. After all, he argued, “its mere existence should be of no consequence, as no one will be forced into it against his will.”
The Comeback:
“Dear Mr. Churchill. Enclosed are ten guineas towards the construction of a brothel at Cambridge. Its mere existence should be of no consequence, as no one will be required to enter it against his will.”
Crick then performed his patented victory move, “The Helix,” though as the insult had been delivered through the mail, much of the effect was lost.
What We Would Have Said:
“Here’s ten guineas, ugly. Go fix your face.”
The Players:
Oscar Wilde, author of The Importance of Being Earnest and The Picture of Dorian 
Gray, was a renowned Irish playwright and wit who wore fur coats in public, had catty feuds with other poets, and just went around generally acting so gay that he was ultimately put on trial and imprisoned for his homosexuality. His works and legacy are still going strong, despite tremendous efforts to silence his “indecency” in his own time, although his is still occasionally mistaken for actor Gene Wilder, probably because he’s as close to Willy Wonka as any living human’s ever been.
Lewis Morris was another poet and friend of Oscar’s who wasn’t nearly as gay and has therefore rightly been forgotten.
Setting the Scene:
It seems Mr. Morris was a bit of a Kanye, as one evening found him bitching to his friend Wilde about his narrowly missing being appointed Poet Laureate of the United Kingdom. In fact, as it’s probably his association with Wilde that cost him the appointment, we should imagine the complaints to be suitably passive-aggressive. At the time, Wilde was probably organizing his legal defense, which ended up being so eloquent it was later adapted into a popular play.
The Zing:
More of a whine, actually. But Morris reputedly complained–
“There’s a conspiracy against me, a conspiracy of silence; but what can one do? What should I do?”
Wilde shuffled in his satin robe, roused from a deep Opium dream, and answered–
The Comeback:
“Join it.”
Then came his signature fluting laugh, and the chorus of naked boys burst into scattered applause. Then Calvin Coolidge appeared from beyond the grave to give him a Presidential thumbs up.
What We Would Have Said:
“Here’s a poem, you emo prick: Ace of Base, shut your face.”
The Players:
Albert Einstein, a Nazi defector, is best known for the series of posters he appeared on with his tongue sticking out. He also invented radiation, daily exposure to which tragically caused him to always have “static electricity hair.” This obvious physical defect led to his name becoming synonymous with idiocy or buffoonery (i.e., “great job irradiating my turtles, Einstein; they’ve transformed into man-sized ninja monsters”).
Neils Bohr was a Nobel Laureate physicist with the Manhattan Project who provided powerful insights into atomic structure and early quantum mechanics. His mother was from a wealthy political family, his father had a molecular function named after him (the “Bohr shift”), and his brother was an Olympian. He is considered to be one of the fathers of modern physics, and was considered “adequate” by his parents.
Setting the Scene:
When quantum mechanics first introduced the idea of probability wave functions, a lot of physicists were like “what? I don’t even know what that is.” Then when it was explained that this basically implied a certain amount of indefinable and inscrutable uncertainty on the atomic level, most were still confused, but some started to get pissed off. One of these some was Einstein, a religious man, who proclaimed quantum theory bunk on the grounds that–
The Zing:
“God does not play dice.”
Bohr, being better acquainted with God’s gambling habits, offered the following advice–
The Comeback:
“Don’t tell God what to do with his dice.”
Two large dice then crashed down from the heavens, killing Einstein and proving God’s existence once and for all. The people rejoiced.
What We Would Have Said:
“Yeah he does, ass! That’s exactly what I’m saying!”
The Players:
Keith Moon, of The Who, is one of the greatest drummers and rock stars to ever grace a stage. His unique style of drumming like a goddamned madman and insisting that the drums be treated as a lead instrument paved the way for 32-piece, revolving drum sets everywhere. Further, his habit of utterly trashing hotel rooms, throwing TV sets out of windows, and blowing up toilets got him personally banned from no less than three major hotel chains and basically started the trend. He was a tortured, bizarre little man who hit his women, forced enough drugs through his system to mildly discomfort Keith Richards, and made some of the best noises in the history of rock.
I’d tell you who Jimmy Page is, but that kind of gives away the comeback, so I’ll act like you’ve lived under a rock for forty years and have no idea.
Setting the Scene:
One night, Robert Plant, John Entwhistle, Page and Moon were partying together at Moon’s house. We can safely presume both were high out of their minds, and at this point in the night had wearied of driving cars into pools full of groupies. Plant took the edge off by telling Moon all about his concept for a new rock band of tight-jeaned, open-shirted, long-haired men singing ten minute songs in falsetto about goblins raiding Middle Earth. Shaking off the effects of the horse sedatives he’d just taken rectally, Moon pulled himself out of the haze long enough to analogize–
The Zing:
“That idea will go over like a lead zeppelin.”
The Comeback:
The entire Led Zeppelin discography, not to mention the fact that more people associate Jimmy Page with the hard-rockin’ lifestyle than even know who the hell Keith Moon was.
What We Would Have Said:
“Is that girl’s pubic hair on fire? Seriously, Keith, what the hell is going on man? I’m really worried about you. Also, you’ve got some food on your face.”
When not writing for Cracked, Michael finds it increasingly difficult not to read a Churchill biography as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
This entry was posted on Monday, December 1st, 2008 at 8:00 am and is filed under Buddha, Celebrities, Comebacks, Led Zeppelin, Oscar Wilde, Quotes, Winston Churchill. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 13th, 2009 at 11:01 am
I’m pretty sure Keith Moon sarcastically said that.
October 30th, 2009 at 3:29 am
Is right.
I mean , Led Zeppelin IV alone probably sold more copies than all the Who albums put together.
Take that Moonie. Oh and John Bonham was a million times better than him too.
September 11th, 2009 at 9:20 am
Tom, you incompetent jackass, that’s the entire fucking point.
The modern-day comebacks weren’t insulting to provide contrast with the ol–oh, what the hell, you probably don’t even know what “contrast” means.
August 27th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Prescription Drugs - Esgic Plus…
An interesting post by a bloger made me ……
August 17th, 2009 at 4:19 am
Einstein was not a religious man. Please stop perpetuating this lie.
August 13th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Keith Moon is still definitely the more famous character, and way more synonymous with the hard-rockin’ lifestyle than Jimmy Page will ever be, though, so I guess he ended up winning that zing.
August 1st, 2009 at 12:47 am
This is the best comeback…dirty Limerick style
There once were two young girls from Birmingham
I knew a wild story concerning ‘em
They lifted the frock
And diddled the cock
Of the Bishop engaged in confirming ‘em
Now the Bishop was nobody’s fool,
He’d been to a fine public school
He lowered his britches
And fucked both those bitches
With his twelve-inch Episcopal tool.
But that didn’t startle these two,
Why they laughed as the Bishop withdrew,
The Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And longer and stronger than you!
July 31st, 2009 at 11:35 pm
“esprit d’ escalier” means “staircase wit”, not “staircase ghost”, in this case “esprit” means “wit”. And “esprit d’ escalier” is not any comeback, but a comeback that you didn’t have at the time, but thought of after you left ( as you were going down the stairs after leaving the party).
July 31st, 2009 at 10:37 pm
your face, my balls to your face, my face, your face, their face….. whoever wrote all these modern day “combacks” needs to realize, faces aren’t offensive. if some one said, “go fix your face” most any american would tell them to fuck off, or to go suck their moms cock. not “well….. uh…. your face.” lame ass.
if you need to learn some comebacks, try going to puplic school.. not circa 1983
July 31st, 2009 at 10:35 pm
I’ve been looking for a university to go to. I was thinking of Oxford like the Welsh miner in the movie ” The Corn is Green,” starring Bette Davis as the school teacher, but the only Oxford I’ll ever go to is Oxford County Elementary school, and if I’m lucky I’ll pass the sixth grade like Jethro Bodine did for his Uncle Jed for my UNCLE SAM ! Let’s not rule out Cambridge as Harvard and Yale non of which have a Brothel on Campus as I hear it’s all coed now and same sex marriage is out of the question !
July 31st, 2009 at 10:28 pm
You know what I like about the English language and Humor is all the ” Euphemism’s and Metaphore’s ! ”
You think I could find a gal like Miss Money Penny who once said to Bond ” I’ll not file a sexual harrasment charge ! ” ” I will make you make GOOD your Enuendo’s instead ! ” I’ll settle for Honor Blackman ….
July 31st, 2009 at 10:24 pm
Battle Royal England Churchill verses Aston : ” Where you don’t have to be handsome to be a politician ? ” Well if women can’t find you handsome ?” At least they can find you Handy ! ” Al Green’s Red and White ” Yankee Doodle Dandy, and with the girls be HANDY ! “
July 31st, 2009 at 10:19 pm
That picture of Einstein with his tongue sticking out looks like he may the father of one of the singers from the rock band ” KISS ! “
July 31st, 2009 at 10:16 pm
Right now I’ve been placed on suspension from posting commentaries as I used the word ” Boner,” once to many times while talking to a sailor ! So I tried the Marines who use the term ” Mother Lover’s, ” more than I do with my BONER. In fact I never use my Boner with Mother Lover unless I don’t find out after the girl I used my Boner on is a mother ! As once a balck girl had asked the girl I was seeing if we had sex and my girlfriend said ” Yes ! ” The Black girl replied ” You see since you had sex with him he is a Mother Lover ! ” Of course I Changed the word the Black girl used to ” Lover ! “
July 31st, 2009 at 10:08 pm
I can all so play the ” Flight of the Bumble Bee’s,” with my TONGUE !
July 31st, 2009 at 10:07 pm
” Argh Maties! ” ” I be the Captain the Scourge of the 215 and the Terror of the 74 ! ” Someday I’ll I’ll kiss the gunners daughter for that before I make her walk my plank ! Signed, Captain Cabin Boy !
July 31st, 2009 at 10:03 pm
When a big breasted Obama Mamma wearing a OBAMA T-Shirt slapped me and asked me what I was starring at ? I replied : ” I never seen a woman with three BOOBS before ! “
July 31st, 2009 at 10:00 pm
An old Yankee fisherman, known for his tall tales, was pulling in towards a dock when a tourist woman called out “Captain! I hear you’re the biggest liar on the east coast!”
The fisherman took his pipe out, stood up in the boat, bowed, and called back “Madam! You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life!”
July 31st, 2009 at 10:00 pm
I should of said : If there was ever a planet in this entire Universe which needed an ” ENEMA ! ” Middle Earth’s MOON would be where God would stick the HOSE !
And For Churchill : ” It is neither a Bananna or am I happy ! As when your Majesty came through my door unanounced I had no ash tray to put ( OUCH ) out my CIGAR ! “
July 31st, 2009 at 9:55 pm
If there was ever a Planet in this entire Universe which needed an ” ENEMA ? ” Middle Earth and Moon would be where God would stick the HOSE !
July 31st, 2009 at 9:53 pm
Ok so Keith Moon was the drummer for the WHO ! So what ! No need to whine like a sheep ” BA BA O’Riley ! “
July 31st, 2009 at 9:50 pm
Party at Moon’s House ! In the above photograph with all those groupies partying like it was some Animal House Toga Party gone Orgy. Which one is Keith Moon as they are all still wearing PANTIES ?
July 31st, 2009 at 9:47 pm
Party at Moon’s House : ” You can play my Strat, but please absolutely no ” Stair Way to Heaven ! “
July 31st, 2009 at 9:44 pm
Keith Moon was a guy who like to pull his pant’s down and show his full moon instead of just a Cresent ! Instead of just a wink he preferred full eye CONTACT ! Speaking about I would you like to see my ” One Eyed Spitin Trouser Trout ? “
July 31st, 2009 at 9:39 pm
” Yes Madam I’m drunk and you are Ugly. The only thing come tomarrow I’ll be Sober and you my dear Madam will still be UGLY !”
In loving Memory of Winston….. ” I’ll drink to that, and do you have a match ? ! ”
One time a Lady of the Royal Court of England asked Mr. Churchill if he had a Bananna in his pocket, or was he just happy to see her.
Mr. Churchill’s reply was : ” It’s Neither a Bananna nor am I happy to see you ! ” ” You see your Majesty when you came in through my door with no warning I had no ashtray to put my out CIGAR ! “
July 31st, 2009 at 9:27 pm
Keith Moon said ” That will fly like Zepplin ? ” When he should of said ” That will fly like the Hiddenberge ! “
July 31st, 2009 at 9:24 pm
In the news it was stated that Cher’s daughter Chasity ( Chas ) Bono of Sonny and Cher was thinking about a sex change operation. I would suggest using a velcro strap on before having the actual surgery as she no doubt is all ready familiar with waxing. I don’t think she is strong enough to rip off her new Bono once they stich it on !
July 31st, 2009 at 9:20 pm
They slander Keith Moon with their incorrect description of the event. The band said they were planning to name themselves “The New Yardbirds”, to which Keith said “that would fly like a led zeppelin” a statement which was absolutely correct. In THANKS for pointing out the folly of too closely associating themselves with that good (but at the time irrelevant) band name, they took Keith’s wise advice and adopted their name from that advice: Led Zeppelin.
July 31st, 2009 at 9:19 pm
Before Michael Jackson’s tragic death he was going to purchase a new million dollar estate in Nevada. It had secret trap door’s and secret tunnel’s with a young boy at the end of everyone, and Michael as Peter Pan in Never Never Lands Lost Boy’s Yard Sale ” All Boy’s Pants Half Off ! ”
In the autopsy of Mr. Jackson’s strange death it was determined not by the coroner the chief medical examiner for Police, but one of the janitor’s who was left alone with Michael while going through Mr. Jackson’s pocket’s that Mr. jackson died of Food Poisoning ” By Eating an 8 year old Weiner ! “
July 31st, 2009 at 9:08 pm
As most of you all may of heard ” Star Bucks,” coffee is trying a new sales pitch to bring back it’s world renowned sales back up to par under the new Obama adminstration. My suggestion to both the Laker’s and the Obama adminitration’s universal health care plans in the medical proceedure ” ENEMA ! ”
Your ( Coffee ), would taste better if you didn’t draw your water from down stream of the ” Latrine’s ! ”
On another note about the new president’s friend who the president spoke so harshly against to arresting officer who answered the 911 call :
When my mom flips out curtain climbing it’s the policy of my local police department to demand a 72 hour observation for acting in such a juvinile manner as to make threats, or tell the cop’s ” I’m a taxpayer I pay your salary ; so if you don’t get off my property I’ll shoot you ! ” A possible danger to yourself, public, and the police !
Maybe should of used her sex gender instead of the race issue ?
July 31st, 2009 at 7:57 pm
it’s “Niels” Bohr, dummy, not “Neils” Bohr
July 31st, 2009 at 7:56 pm
Dear Michael,
Love the 10 most devastating insults of all time. Wish you hadn’t felt compelled to add your own ‘what I would have said”. They were all so trite and beneath your otherwise apparent writing talent. Tsk.
July 31st, 2009 at 7:00 pm
These were not only funny but a great view into the minds of some influential people. As far as the length of the set up is concerned, I would wager more people DON’T know who Winston Churchill even is. Good job to the writter!
July 31st, 2009 at 6:19 pm
Keith Moon INVENTED the rock n roll lifestyle, asshat.
July 31st, 2009 at 5:54 pm
1964, while working for an electrical contractor with an older. very salty character named Fred. Fred always had an unfiltered cigarette hanging out of one side of his mouth and constantly jabbed insults at other employees. I had been putting on some weight as I had taken on a desk job and sat a lot. One afternoon at lunch, Fred could not resist mentioning my weight gain. “Hey Bill, getting a little big there, what ‘cha gonna name it when it’s born?” Then proceeded to laugh loudly. Then it came to me “Well, since I’m not married, it’s gonna be another little bastard, so I guess I’ll name it Fred”. I won the applause meter prize and Fred nearly choked to death on his cigarette. One of those one in a life time insults that you just cannot pass up.
July 23rd, 2009 at 2:26 pm
[...] are some of the most creative put-downs I’ve ever heard: sort of reminds me of this, and this. Posted by rdgreen436 Filed in Curiosities, News ·Tags: Hillary Clinton Leave a Comment [...]
July 17th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
Michael Swaim is trying too hard and failing. some of these are famous quotes but Swaim takes too long introducing the characters, too long setting up the jokes, which are mostly good, then he really screws it all up with his very shallow and stupid comments. You are in the wrong profession Mr. Swaim. In fact, I cannot think of a suitable profession for you because you demonstrate how extremely shallow one can be.
This was a gross waste but I know now not to open anything with Michael Swaim listed as the author. Shudder, the jokes are good, a bit worn, but good. All of your commentary is tripe. Peace, Bob
July 17th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
I do not know if this ranks —- A group of friends had gathered in a room next to my wife’s hospital room as she lay dying. This lasted the whole evening and I went out to see the friends and not quite knowig what to say, I said “Sorry to keep you waiting…..”
July 13th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
I could be horribly wrong about this and as such just be making an ass out of myself but didn’t Einstein totally face Bohr by being right about, like, everything?
Oh and Page’s come back wasn’t as impressive as you make it sound cause he didn’t really say anything back right away and evidently had to wait till he got off his high to be like hey, Moon totally burned our asses there didn’t he?
Besides, Moon died before Zeppelin’s success was fully rubbed in his face which is a shame cause if he had lived, I like to believe the uncultured idiots who commented before me would instead be asking who Page is.
July 9th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
Ah, the comeback. Far more effective than your average insult, simply because it’s a counterattack, and if Soul Calibur has taught me anything, it’s that counterattacks are always more effective than standard attacks.
…Okay. Compared to how Swaim put it, that was freakin’ lame.
June 28th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
I still have no idea who the hell Keith Moon is.
June 25th, 2009 at 10:25 am
*cough*
I meant when the cell begins to turn into an embryo.
Pardon my biological terms. I’m not very good with them.
June 25th, 2009 at 8:51 am
Some of these were funny, others were a bit mediocre. Too much back story (*way* too much back story). Still, it killed an hour, which is good enough for me.
I will leave you with the parting words of my ex-biology teacher, famously one of the nicest women in the school:
Ms. M:
When the embryo begins to turn into a child, the first thing to form is the mouth and then the rear end-
Student:
So I started out as just a butt and a mouth?
Ms. M:
Some of us never leave that stage.
June 7th, 2009 at 11:23 pm
Perhaps I have a short a attention span, but despite the comedy of the comebacks, I couldn’t actually GET to more than one, because the overall setup was boring.
Too many jokes that are disguised so effectively as actual history that the writing itself loses its impact.
“Jenna Wilson, best known for stuffing ten billion cherries in her mouth, simultaneously, was a person of significance in the Cretaceous era.”
It’s a dead pan that is so dead that it’s not funny.
But that’s just me.
June 3rd, 2009 at 7:23 pm
I feel like I just had sex with 10 virgins in a row. Horrible foreplay that goes on a little too long, followed by slightly disappointing forced orgasms.
May 27th, 2009 at 8:25 am
Even money says Churchill and Astor got it on. [Yeah let that image sink right in] If television has taught us all anything, it’s that two people with that much verbal electricity zinging between them always, always end up banging. Of course on television they are much more attractive.
May 5th, 2009 at 11:26 am
I really enjoyed this article, but I feel the need to point something out to the commenters on Einstein.
He may have not been a religious man, but he did use the saying “God does not play with dice.”
March 31st, 2009 at 6:57 am
“L’esprit d’escalier” is usually translated as “staircase wit”, which makes more sense. (You’re just heading downstairs to leave the party when suddenly this brilliant comeback hits you, but now it’s too late to go back and say it).
March 24th, 2009 at 7:14 am
I’ve read most of these before, but yes, they are indeed devastating
February 27th, 2009 at 11:24 am
this is great
February 14th, 2009 at 7:15 am
And the introducing the balls to your face - i laughed at that for so long!!!! I loved your modern day comebacks, biggest rips on all the loosers out there that can’t take a burn or think on their feet.
February 14th, 2009 at 7:13 am
I Hate Winstin Churchill, complete and utter wanka - but I have to admit hes got a good wit; with the play telegram.
February 8th, 2009 at 7:31 pm
i cant stand to see Keith Moon burned like that, so here i am to the rescue with context!
Jimmy Page was relating to Keith Moon and John Entwistle his idea for a supergroup with him, guitarist Jeff Beck, as well as Moon and Entwistle. Moon, rather not liking this idea, and probably being incredibly high, said “That idea will go down like a lead balloon, no, no…it’ll go down like a lead zeppelin.”
later, when Led Zeppelin was formed, Page was going to call it “The New Yardbirds” before he remembered that awesome zing by moon.
February 1st, 2009 at 10:03 am
Not to pick or anything, but both “l’esprit d’escalier’ and the German ‘Treppenwitz’ refer to the perfect comeback *thought up too late*. The idea is you’re storming down the stairs and suddenly realise what you could have said that would have crushed the other person.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/L%27esprit_d%27escalier
January 12th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
[...] Cracked has the Ten Most Devastating Comebacks. [...]
January 6th, 2009 at 6:52 am
These aren’t insults or even jokes, but I still think they’re clever:
Karl Marx, in reply to an essay titled “The Philosophy of Poverty”, wrote about the uselessness of philosophy and titled it “The Poverty of Philosophy”.
Mikhail Bakunin, one of the founders of anarchism, believed that God was invented to justified, and was the ultimate symbol of, authority and oppression. Turning Voltaire’s famous quote on its head, he wrote “If God really existed, it would be necessary to abolish Him”.
January 5th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
” [...]Einstein, a religious man[...]”
No he was not
December 30th, 2008 at 9:04 am
# Ben Says:
December 3rd, 2008 at 10:05 pm
It’s also worth mentioning that #7 is probably a lie, because the Buddha wasn’t fat. He engaged in such Ghandhi-like self-starvation that he was skinnier than Nicole Richie on coke.
It’s not a lie, but cracked made up the “abuse” since it was never told exactly what that man said - since it’s besides the point.
And he didn’t starve himself when he was at the point of preaching, he starved himself (and also did many other ridiculous things) before he understood the path to enlightenment.
He died by eating putrid pork, that part is true.
Gautama Buddha’s preaching was interrupted one day by a man unleashing a flurry of abusive invective. Calmly waiting for his critic to finish, Buddha asked: “If a man offered a gift to another but the gift was declined, to whom would the gift belong?” “To the one who offered it,” the man replied. “Then,” Buddha declared, “I decline to accept your abuse and request that you keep it for yourself.”
December 29th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
Nobody thinks that Jimmy Page lived a more hard rock lifestyle then Keith Moon. Nobody.
December 29th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Lady Astor should have replied ” But Mr. Churchill , you are incredibly ugly. Look in the fucking mirror. You look like a bulldog eating it’s own arse. Now stop crying and pull your pants up ‘.
December 25th, 2008 at 12:48 am
Einstein was most certainly not a religious man. Here’s a quote:
“It was, of course, a lie what you read about my religious convictions, a lie which is being systematically repeated. I do not believe in a personal god and I have never denied this but have expressed it clearly. If something is in me which can be called religious then it is the unbounded admiration for the structure of the world so far as our science can reveal it.”
From http://press.princeton.edu/titles/562.html
You can read more here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Albert_Einstein#Religious_views
Amusing list, even if it is loaded with factual errors, misattributions and misquotations. (It was Buddha who first said to turn the other cheek, not Jesus.)
December 23rd, 2008 at 1:57 am
When Lillie Langtry was the mistress of Charles VII, he once lamented that he had spent enough on her to buy a battleship.
She replied, “and you have spent enough in me to float one.”
December 23rd, 2008 at 12:13 am
want to help someone down on thier luck?
http://www.digitalcharity.com/m.php?id=53454
December 21st, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Foucault believed Derrida engaged in “terrorism of obscurantism,” and once said of Derrida that “He writes so obscurely you can’t tell what he’s saying, that’s the obscurantism part, and then when you criticize him, he can always say, ‘You didn’t understand me; you’re an idiot.’ That’s the terrorism part.”
December 20th, 2008 at 11:52 pm
potato Goblins will rule all :))))))))))))))))))))))))))
December 19th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
Jerk off co-worker with lazy eye: “You don’t have to act like you’re 15 years old all the time”
My response to said co-worker: “If you are going to insult me, at least have enough respect to look at me with both eyes”
PWNED
December 19th, 2008 at 10:31 pm
Insult by mail:Isadora Duncan the dancer wrote to George Bernard Shaw offering to have his children.He replied “But Madam,what if they should have my looks and your brains?”
December 19th, 2008 at 7:29 am
A guy went up to the actor Richard Burton and said ‘we should get along well because we are both celts!’. However, he pronounced celts selts. Burton reposted ‘No! I am a Celt…you are a sunt!’.
December 15th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Del Valle Inclan, a famous spanish writer, was about to enter a gala, but a notoriously gay writer was announced first. Del Valle Inclan shouted: “I won’t enter after a faggot”.
The other writer replied: “I will, please go inside”.
December 15th, 2008 at 11:32 am
I heard a great comeback in a restaurant. A guy and his girlfriend had obviously fallen out, there was a commotion and some raised voices… She gets up calls him a bastard, and heads for the door, anyway as fast as you like he screams “Mind your arse on the step on the way out!” Quality!!
December 14th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Einstein was NOT religious, at all. In his quote “god does not play dice” you could substitute “Nature” for “God.”
Einstein also is famous for declaring that he does not believe in a personal God, and feels that believing in such a God is childish.
December 13th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
What about Voltaire’s last words, or those he traditionally spoke?
Priest: “Do you renounce Satan and all his works?”
Voltaire: “This hardly seems the time to be making enemies.”
December 13th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Esprit d’escalier is “staircase wit” - like “Fridge Logic” on TVtropes - where going down the stairs to leave and you then come up with the perfect comeback, but nobody’s around to hear it by then.
December 11th, 2008 at 1:23 am
Hate to rain on the parade of the frenchophiles, but “l’esprit d’escalier” actually means when someone else says something witty, and you can’t think of anything quick enough, so you push them down the stairs. they then become the staircase ghost.
and what’s the matter, Cracked? afraid your audience wouldn’t recognise the word ‘retort’? would’ve made more sense, considering that several of the things on the list weren’t insulting at all.
December 10th, 2008 at 3:00 am
My personal favourite comeback:
Greg Thomas was bowling to the legendary Viv Richards in a cricket match. After Richards swung and missed a couple of times, Thomas quipped:
“Hey, Viv, it’s red, round, and weighs about six ounces.”
Richards responded by belting Thomas’ next delivery out of the park, and telling him,
“You know what it looks like, man. Now go fetch it.”
December 8th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
What about Achewood? I think Nice Pete could accurately be described as a cold, detached cartoon cat.
December 8th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
These should have been mentioned:
Inscription (Somewhere, I forget where):
“God is dead” ~ Nietzsche, 1882
“Nietzsche is dead” ~ God, 1900
And (paraphrasing) when one of Beethoven’s benifactors, a prince, insulted his music Beethoven replied:
“Who are you? An accident of birth. There are and will be hundreds of princes, but there is only one Beethoven”
Obviously I’m not Beethoven and he put it a lot better then that I can’t remember the exact wording!
What we would have said: “Sorry Prince please don’t fire me”
December 8th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
you’re a witty writer. loved the historical slant of your choices too.
December 8th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
What We Would Have Said….?
this article was gold until i read that part…
it ruined it
December 8th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
Good article. Sucky “What We Would Have Said”. Suckier guest comments; e.g.
# kingpin Says:
December 7th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
my comebacks for bout anything are a punch to the face, man or woman, gay or straight, straight or michael jackson
# deb Says:
December 6th, 2008 at 1:50 am
LMAO. I laughed for about ten minutes at the comeback about introducing my balls to your face. heh.
# Chanux Says:
December 5th, 2008 at 12:24 am
Michael (writer of this): Says everything above
Me: Fuck you
What I should have said: Fuck you, stinkin’ scumbag
*I can really see the little nerd who wrote this sitting in front of his computer thinking “Wow, I’m funny”.
December 8th, 2008 at 2:16 am
garbageacc3:
I want to know God’s thoughts… The rest are details.
-Albert Einstein
December 7th, 2008 at 9:58 pm
Andrew Lloyd Webber: “I can’t understand why everyone seems to take an instant dislike to me.”
Alan Jay Lerner: “Saves time.”
Oscar Wilde: “I wish I’d said that.”
James McNeill Whistler : “You will, Oscar, you will.”
December 7th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
my comebacks for bout anything are a punch to the face, man or woman, gay or straight, straight or michael jackson
December 6th, 2008 at 11:49 am
what about al sharpton vs. jesse jackson Xqp20YQ!k4EA
December 6th, 2008 at 1:50 am
LMAO. I laughed for about ten minutes at the comeback about introducing my balls to your face. heh.
December 5th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
I love Winston Churchill.
December 5th, 2008 at 7:07 am
So Churchill won WW II? Wow! I always thought those Russians had something to do with it, but I guess talking was a lot more important for the victory.
December 5th, 2008 at 3:09 am
Wow good article, shitty “What We Would Have Said” comments, next time drop that shit, it doesnt make you cool
December 5th, 2008 at 12:24 am
Michael (writer of this): Says everything above
Me: Fuck you
What I should have said: Fuck you, stinkin’ scumbag
December 5th, 2008 at 12:04 am
these cracked articles are usually dumb and wrong
but this one was bad
einstein was not religious you dumb fuck
December 4th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
loved loved LOVED this one. maybe even loved the negative (albeit petty) reactions just as much, as they somehow affirm that people can be SO NEGATIVE in the face of GREAT ART. very enjoyable. thx.
December 4th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
A journalist once asked Nico - the female singer of The Velvet Underground who’s solocareer didn’t really go well - the following : “How does it feel to be a has-been?”
Nico instantly replied : “Better a has-been than a never-was like you my dear.”
December 4th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
The first one is the best one. Gave me a chuckle.
http:susanimate.spaces.live.com
December 4th, 2008 at 10:53 am
Notice what WINSTON CHURCHILL is doing with his fingers many stupid liberals say it means PEACE well it was the V for VICTORY YOU STUPID MINDLESS BRAINLESS POT HEADED TREE HUGGING GRANOLA MUNCHING MINDLESS DOOFUSHEADS
December 4th, 2008 at 8:14 am
She is fabulous. Love her dress. I just found her hot photos on a celeb and millionaire dating site ****** W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M ********** It’s said there are lots of models or even hoollywood star on that site. The rumor says Charlie Sheen found his love on that site last May.
December 4th, 2008 at 5:47 am
Bohr’s first name was Niels not Neils. Funny as hell article though.
December 4th, 2008 at 4:28 am
“It’s also worth mentioning that #7 is probably a lie, because the Buddha wasn’t fat. He engaged in such Ghandhi-like self-starvation that he was skinnier than Nicole Richie on coke.”
But then later in life he said fuck all that shit and got fat as a tick. True.
December 4th, 2008 at 3:47 am
You dump him. You deserve anyone beter enough, here is one place for you- W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M==where you can find celebrities and millionaires. Good luck.
December 4th, 2008 at 1:50 am
Your face is the most devastating insult of all time
December 4th, 2008 at 12:17 am
One last thing, The Who are 50,000,000 times better than Led fucking Zeppelin. Just listen to “I Can See For Miles” and try to dispute my claim.
December 4th, 2008 at 12:13 am
The Moon/Page thing’s story is wrong. Originally, Moon, Entwistle, and Page were considering creating a supergroup (this was around 1966, two years before Led Zeppelin formed). Moon eventually dismissed the idea by saying “That idea will go over worse than a lead balloon, like a lead zeppelin.”. In 1968, Page formed Led Zeppelin.
December 3rd, 2008 at 10:05 pm
It’s also worth mentioning that #7 is probably a lie, because the Buddha wasn’t fat. He engaged in such Ghandhi-like self-starvation that he was skinnier than Nicole Richie on coke.
December 3rd, 2008 at 10:02 pm
It’s worth mentioning that the actual exchange went like this:
Lady: Mr. Churchill, you’re drunk!
WC: Madame, you’re ugly. And tomorrow, I shall be sober.
…which is even better because old Winston doesn’t bother to explain himself.
What We Would Have Said.
Lady: Mr. Churchill, you’re drunk!
Winston: Astor, you’re sexy!
December 3rd, 2008 at 8:16 pm
This should have been called the most devastating comebacks of all time. jesus
December 3rd, 2008 at 6:47 pm
I questioned the lack of retorts from Mark Twain in an earlier comment.
After a little web-surfing I found out why. Although he’s probably one of the most quoted people in the history of mankind (probably 3rd- after Jesus and Shakespeare), I couldn’t find any suitable examples of witty comebacks.
I’m guessing it’s because his was so renown for his biting wit that no one had the balls to insult him in the first place.
December 3rd, 2008 at 6:36 pm
@Dead Parrot
“I fart in your general direction!”
Feel better now?
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Fuck the last. One Led Zeppelin can get AIDS and die. Bloated shit band.
Atleast The Who released some real rockers on their first 3 studio albums.
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:50 pm
post script: unless you are in traction, of course.
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:44 pm
What’s up, Michael? I’m kinda bummed. I thought for sure you’d reply to at least one or more of the commenters. I am awestruck, in fact. Hmmph. Gladstone was more hands on. (I’m playing it for all it’s worth)..
I suppose you are holed up creating and can’t be bothered with the people and the silliness spouted your way. I now consider you somewhat, aloof. The aloof Michael Swaim. Indeed.
Respectively yours,
jo
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Erm, I didn’t know who Jimmy Page was before I read this but already had a huge amount of admiration for Keith Moon’s complete and utter insanity, oh and you also have him and his mates to thank for the idea of smashing instruments.
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:49 pm
I googled the Led Zeppelin quote and found the info Wikipedia left off.
“Page had the idea of forming a Supergroup by bringing in members of other bands such as Keith Moon and John Entwistle of The Who… Jimmy Page told these two his idea, he was greeted with ridicule and the declaration, “that will go over like a lead balloon.”… and John Entwistle remarked, “like a lead zeppelin,”"
Every mention tries to get cute with it, but Moon and Entwistle were probably being sober realists. No one is clear on the date of the quote, but we do know that after Page tried to hire Moon and Entwistle the Who’s Management threatened his life. Entwistle was predicting a bloody disaster and it almost happened. Most likely this quote was said before Plant was found and I highly doubt it was said after hearing the first Zep demos. (as stated in some anecdotes)
December 3rd, 2008 at 11:27 am
I’m quite surprised. This article doesn’t have “Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!” in it? It really should. Oh, and watch out for spambots.
December 3rd, 2008 at 8:42 am
Einstein was not religious. He did not believe in a personal God, and its well documented, but for some reason, a common misconception.
December 3rd, 2008 at 8:40 am
Michael Swaimo, blah blah blah. You are wrong. Your stories are improperly researched. Blah blah blah.
December 3rd, 2008 at 8:06 am
You dump him. You deserve anyone beter enough, here is one place for you,———– W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M ==, where you can find celebrities and millionaires. Good luck.
December 3rd, 2008 at 7:36 am
That story in 1 is all wrong. I’ve heard a few accounts about that and none of them sounded anything like the one in this article. I’ve heard a few times that he said that when someone came up with the idea of a super-group involving Keith, John, Page and Jeff Beck was brought up.
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:36 am
I am disappointed by the lack of a “your face” reference in #2. Way to go, Einstein.
December 3rd, 2008 at 12:41 am
The most disgusting cyst exploding ever. Why do I keep watching this shit?
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=152ecd0daac6d655352c
December 3rd, 2008 at 12:10 am
Samuel Johnson vs. James Macpherson
http://andromeda.rutgers.edu/~jlynch/Texts/BLJ/b579.html
BRILLIANT. great article too!
December 2nd, 2008 at 11:12 pm
This is tops. Really well done.
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:34 pm
Winston gets owned…
‘At the Oxford Union one day in 1926, Winston Churchill tapped the portly R.B. Haldane (later Lord Chancellor) and asked in jest what he planned to call the baby. “If it’s a boy, I’ll call him George, after the King,” Haldane replied, “and if it’s a girl I’ll call her Mary. But if, as I strongly suspect, it is only wind, I shall call it Winston.” [Sources: John Parker, Father of the House]‘
http://www.anecdotage.com/index.php?aid=13237
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:10 pm
@momdoyoudouche: Grassytits is pretty funny. No seriously. You should write for Cracked.
December 2nd, 2008 at 8:30 pm
Need to clarify “esprit d’escalier”. Literally “staircase wit”. It means simply that the perfect retort occurred to you only after the meeting, when you were already headed down the stairs… thus the comeback that was never uttered….
December 2nd, 2008 at 8:23 pm
Why is timeforasexyparty posting all over cracked.com that Lisa Simpson got a milfPhone? WTF is a milfPhone, and does Sarah Palin have one?
December 2nd, 2008 at 8:06 pm
Lisa Simpson gets a miPhone…!
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=cd1b75d69c3ab8804198&page=1&viewtype=&category=mr
December 2nd, 2008 at 6:24 pm
Best Churchill comeback, should be on the list:
At a dinner party one night, a drunken Churchill asked an attractive woman whether she would sleep with him for a million pounds. “Maybe,” the woman said coyly. “Would you sleep with me for one pound?” Churchill then asked. “Of course not, what kind of woman do you think I am?” the woman responded indignantly. “Madam, we’ve already established what kind of woman you are,” said Churchill, “now we’re just negotiating the price.”
December 2nd, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Nice. much better than your last one.
December 2nd, 2008 at 5:12 pm
It should be a requirement that you read the previous comments BEFORE you post a comment.
There are something like 40 people defining Esprit d’escalier.
Dozens telling the “real” story behind #1, all of which are different.
Good article. It was funny. But based on the comments, I guess I’m going to have to cross cracked.com off my bibliography for my doctoral thesis. I just can’t trust the facts. Oh well, back to wikipedia.
December 2nd, 2008 at 5:10 pm
You should look in to the Albert Camus vs Jean-Paul Sartre animosity, they took their comebacks to academia
December 2nd, 2008 at 5:00 pm
Siddhartha wasn’t the fat Buddha. The fat Buddha that people recognize is the Chinese Happy Buddha.
However, Siddhartha was pretty bad ass. He once visited a kingdom that was being attacked by a brigand who killed people and wore their fingers. The brigand tried to chase the Buddha, but he couldn’t move from his place. So he ran and ran, but never got any closer. The Buddha basically made the brigand look like an idiot and got him to become a monk, and serve tea to the king he had terrorized.
December 2nd, 2008 at 4:19 pm
BAM!
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:51 pm
“Esprit d’escalier” does not mean “staircase ghost”!!! Wow! “Esprit” means “wit.” I can’t even imagine how “staircase ghost” would mean anything in this context.
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Churchill’s comeback is definitely the best.
“Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly but tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be ugly.”
Well put.
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:37 pm
forget all this bickering about Einstein,
isn’t anyone going to back me up when that Limey said no American president was as manly as Churchill?
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Eva Peron was travelling in a motorcade with a high ranking naval officer when she was abused by the crowd.
‘Hear that? They call me a whore.’ she complained. To which the officer replied, ‘I know how you feel. I haven’t been to sea for ten years, but they still call me an admiral.’
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:22 pm
“Time consuming”? I’m not sure this article took too much effort there grassytits!
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:01 pm
The bees! Oh my god the bees!
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:34 pm
OK, I came late to this one, and I’m not reading all 200 comments. It’s a first, I know. But I just wanted to say I loved this one Swaim. The history and science articles are my favorite, and they’ve got to be the most time consuming to research. I love your work.
Also, Richard Dawkins claims Einstein as an atheist. Since Einstein is dead and can’t settle it for us, I like to assume that he was smart enough and knew enough about the universe to discard childhood beliefs in magical beings.
I also like to assume that you’re in love with me.
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Great comebacks, may i point out however that the churchill quote is wrong, to such an extent that it kind of ruins the comeback, trust me i’m english
What was actually said was:-
Astor- Sir you are drunk.
Churchill:- Madam you are ugly, but i shall be sober in the morning.
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Far be it for me to call you a douche, but you did call Einstein religious.
Douche…Face!
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:10 pm
There’s no doubt in my mind that these comebacks are brilliant and yes, Shipton, the juxtaposition of historical wit and the outclassed “What We Would Have Said” addendum was, for the most part, an anticlimax. However, feel free to add me to the “poop” column because…
“Request another ticket, as I am bringing two friends–my balls. Will introduce them to your face.”
That made me fall out of my chair…
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:01 pm
“L’esprit de l’escalier” isn’t a comeback. It’s when you get owned and you leave and then later you come up with a good comeback like a day later. It’s one of those phrases that you wish they had a word for in English but they don’t.
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:56 am
I’m going to remember these. And nice job with the article, by the way. Man, you’re always busy with one of these. PLUS Those Aren’t Muskets. PLUS your new series… Is there ever a time you just go, “Hey, I think now might be good time to inhale before I suffocate, let me just pencil it in”?
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:37 am
The quality of the article is marred by the juxtaposition of historical wit and the outclassed “What We Would Have Said” addendum. Call it an anticlimax… it’s like those people who think replacing every word in a madlib with “poop” is funny.
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:15 am
[...] use. After all, you never know when you
December 2nd, 2008 at 8:10 am
Yet again Swaim, an awesome article ruined by morons bitching in the comments.
December 2nd, 2008 at 7:19 am
She is my favorite. Just saw her on milllionaire personals site ****** W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M ********** last week. I am wondering what kind of relationship she
is looking for on that site.Is she single again now?&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
December 2nd, 2008 at 6:36 am
1.) Amusing article, well done
2.) Lot of nerds in the comments this time. Who the fuck cares whether or not einstein was religious? Hes dead now, so it doesn’t matter one way or the other. To those of you using letters, people can lie when writing. In the end, noone will really know what he believed in except him, and he’s dead.
3.) French language’ll be dead within a few hundred years, so arguing over what the phrase means won’t do any good anyway
4.) If I were american, I’d vote Garfield (the cat) in for a third term
December 2nd, 2008 at 6:29 am
They both suck I’m the best and Danny Carey is second.
December 2nd, 2008 at 5:15 am
All I can say from this is I hope to one day be witty enough to earn a chorus of naked boys, even if only in joke form on some far-off web page.
December 2nd, 2008 at 4:47 am
I beleive it was Lady Astor who called Allied soldier fighting in Italy “D-day dodgers”. Seems she was an all around cunt, not just harassing Churchill.
December 2nd, 2008 at 4:23 am
@ Donal
Einstin was a “deeply religious non believer” get it right.
@ Caegn
Too many people believe that Einstein WAS religious and it’s not a matter of being insecure it’s a matter of trying to stop people misinterpreting the beliefs of a great man to suit their own beliefs. Whether Michael was joking or not is not of any matter because idiots reading this will take it as fact.
Since everybody is nit-picking it’s generally accepted that he was a deist.
December 2nd, 2008 at 4:09 am
I will let you get away with portraying Einstein as a theist only because the rest of your article was so damn funny.
Winston Churchill is the most amusing leader any country has ever had. I’m not including George W on this one because I don’t think being laughed AT rather than WITH should qualify.
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:36 am
Okay, I’m guessing there’s about an 80% chance that people won’t understand my previous post, so here it is explained:
Sometimes, something is funny when you say the truth about it. Sometimes, it’s funny when you say the opposite. So no, Einstein did not invent radiation. Of course he didn’t.
THAT’S THE JOKE!
Come on, people! Rafterman45, OMG1337, Seriously!
And I swear to God, if someone posts that quote from Einstein about not being religious one more time, I’ll punch you. Right in the face. That’s no lie.
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:31 am
Hey! Albert Einstein wasn’t a religious man! Get your facts straight! And he’s more famous for relativity than those posters! Did you even do any research?! And, he didn’t invent radiation, it was already around! And it’s not why his hair was funny! Why, it’s almost as if you were saying things that were untrue about him, because they obviously were, and that was the joke, but we all know that the comedy website Cracked only gives exact facts and never in any way misrepresents them for a laugh! That would totally undermine Cracked’s reputation as an education tool. Because, you know, that kind of thing only belongs on a comedy site.
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:24 am
“Yeehaw, you sumbitchin’ pile o’ monkey nuts!”
(Dr. Evil, from “Austin Powers in Goldmember”)
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:23 am
“I dont mean to be a grammer Nazi, but instead of ACGT it should be ATCG. Just remember Apple Tree Chewing Gum”
No bob42, that would make you a nucleotide base Nazi.
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:12 am
this is the first time i have laughed out loud to a cracked article, so in your collective faces, you haters.
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:50 am
Thank you for the history lession you boring fuck.
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:41 am
So true Ugh
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:37 am
Excellent, excellent article. We all have to deal with the nuisance of people who come on this site and complain that the pieces aren’t funny enough-whiny bastards all- but then this article comes along and it is exactly what I love about this site, and done at such an expert level that it makes the rest of the site seem, as the haters love to say, “Not funny enough.” Smart, informative, and intensely funny. All with the usual metaphor supercolider (”…still drinks and smokes like a fish’s chimney, and still seems to spout off horrendous burns like some kind of reverse fireman…”) that I expect from Cracked. Gold standard.
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:24 am
Albert Einstein wasn’t religious; when he said “God does not play dice” he was talking metaphorically. Here’s a little quote to that effect:
“It was, of course, a lie what you read about my religious convictions, a lie which is being systematically repeated. I do not believe in a personal God and I have never denied this but have expressed it clearly. If something is in me which can be called religious then it is the unbounded admiration for the structure of the world so far as our science can reveal it.” From a letter Einstein wrote in English, dated 24 March 1954.
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:47 am
The Who/Keith Moon > Trash > Pubes > Buttcrack hair crumbs > Led Zeppelin
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:40 am
I wish I could come up with something other than “yeah? well….it takes one to know one. whore.”
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:28 am
I dont mean to be a grammer Nazi, but instead of ACGT it should be ATCG. Just remember Apple Tree Chewing Gum
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:51 am
We need more political figures like Churchill. I seriosuly doubt Obama is witty enough to make a comeback of Churchill proprtions. I’m sure he’s rather witty, but is he witty enough?
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:46 am
budda’s response should have been “I am rubber you are glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.”
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:17 am
That was the first list I’ve never liked.
“Your face!”
Hardy HArrrrrr Argggg.
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:10 am
First of all, Grover Cleveland was the President that served two non-consecutive terms, not James Garfield. Secondly, I think you’ve gotten Frank Crick’s exploits confused with those of Sherlock Holmes, who is a FICTIONAL CHARACTER. Finally, in header of the the same section, the image in the background is not Winston Churchill being torn apart by an insult, it’s Dr. Manhattan from the graphic novel “Watchmen”, which came out DECADES LATER than the incident in question. You guys are really losing your touch. Please fix these things ASAP.
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:07 am
“He also invented radiation, daily exposure to which tragically caused him to always have “static electricity hair.” This obvious physical defect led to his name becoming synonymous with idiocy or buffoonery (i.e., “great job irradiating my turtles, Einstein; they’ve transformed into man-sized ninja monsters”).”
Funniest thing I’ve read all day
If only there was some way unkempt hair could be tied to stupidity (more than it already it which isn’t saying much since all of the “bro’s” decide to grow their hair out until it gets long and curl….wait holy shit Swaim your on to something!)
December 1st, 2008 at 11:41 pm
Great list!
Something that has been around since the big bang (radiation) really can’t be “invented” by someone though, but only discovered.
December 1st, 2008 at 11:39 pm
Also…No Mark Twain? really?
It’s past my bedtime now, so I’ll have to come back tomorrow after I find something from him.
December 1st, 2008 at 11:35 pm
you just read the book viva la repartee
December 1st, 2008 at 11:30 pm
Churchill gets props from Pappi too. One of my favorites is…keep in mind this is at the equivalent of a White House dinner party in England during WWII when he was the PM (the one with the most power and most journalistic coverage(yes, I know most of you know that, but I’m speakin to my high audience)…and here’s an exchange from said souare.
Bressie Bradock: “Sir, you are drunk.”
WC: “Madam, you are ugly; in the morning I shall be sober.” Yes, folks; he INVENTED that joke in a time and setting none of our presidents would have said the same. He’s a fuckin insane limey alchoholic, but he was a quotable.
Word, bitches.
December 1st, 2008 at 11:15 pm
“wanker shop!”
December 1st, 2008 at 11:13 pm
“ah Says: December 1st, 2008 at 10:52 pm
I hope it was intentional I guess but Thornton Wilder wrote The Importance of Being Earnest, not Oscar Wilde”
Umm, sorry. Wrong. Oscar Wilde.
December 1st, 2008 at 11:11 pm
“Francis Crick, along with his loyal manservant Watson, sleuthed the basic helical structure of DNA and single-handedly foiled the evil Professor Moriarty.”
Pure brilliance
December 1st, 2008 at 11:07 pm
What the hell is this shit?
December 1st, 2008 at 11:03 pm
I particularly liked ’stupid pussy faces’ and ’shove a tampon in your mouth.’
Those did it for me..oh.yeah..we’re talking about commenters.
I’m guessing tweeners..
December 1st, 2008 at 10:59 pm
I just LOL’ed for the Oscar Wilde quote. Thanks Cracked!
December 1st, 2008 at 10:52 pm
I hope it was intentional I guess but Thornton Wilder wrote The Importance of Being Earnest, not Oscar Wilde
December 1st, 2008 at 10:48 pm
“When not writing for Cracked, Michael finds it increasingly difficult not to read a Churchill biagraphy as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!”
Er…
biagraphy?
You mean Biography?
December 1st, 2008 at 10:27 pm
I guess nobody else has pointed out that its ATCG.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:23 pm
Mixed Loving gave me the gay.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:23 pm
josh Says:
December 1st, 2008 at 9:48 pm
“this articlue was ridiculously innactrate, namely number one”
jesus christ you dipshit, this is cracked.com not wikipedia. swaim is trying to be funny.
I bet you are one of those guys who say, that can’t be a funny joke because ducks can’t actually talk.”
God damn, shove a tampon in your mouth
December 1st, 2008 at 10:23 pm
I’m not educated enough to use these insults and comebacks. I’ll just stick to the F word and stuff about sisters and moms.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:06 pm
Damn, Winston Churchill fucking ruled.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:02 pm
Albert Einstien was not a “religious man”. He frequently articulated his disbelief in and disdain for same. Go Albert
December 1st, 2008 at 10:01 pm
Oscar Wilde may have been a fag, but he was one of the most quotable people of the 20th century.
“A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction.”
Nigga please; he was a genius.
December 1st, 2008 at 9:48 pm
this articlue was ridiculously innactrate, namely number one- this conversation didnt happen while partying one night, it happened in the back seat of a limo between moon and entwhistle while they were talking about breaking away from the who to form their own group. Terrible that you mislead people and pass this off as the truth. You guys need a lesson in rock history, especially considering that moon actually did party harder than page, clearly evidenced by the fact he overdosed on drugs and page didnt. fuck you cracked, you guys are sliding hard. this sit eis a shadow of what it used to be.
December 1st, 2008 at 9:40 pm
I just noticed that the “Random Asshole” featured in your delightful Buddha anecdote was Mark McGrath. And then I giggled myself even more retarded.
You are a golden god, Swaims Dean.
December 1st, 2008 at 9:37 pm
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December 1st, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Yes! It’s much more funny when you get things wrong because you don’t care. Keep up the good work.
And for all you nitpickers, facts are for your stupid pussy faces!
December 1st, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Garfield is actually a fictional cat.
http://www.garfield.com/
December 1st, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Alas! Young Conner..I do believe you hit the nail squarely on the head..
December 1st, 2008 at 9:13 pm
Yes - the Watchmen pic should be on #2 really…
Out nerded! Feel the burn!!!!!!!!!!
December 1st, 2008 at 9:10 pm
@Mr. Manning
Ladies first.
December 1st, 2008 at 9:04 pm
I think people are talking trash about this article so Swaim would give them a comeback, because I honestly don’t understand what’s so bad about it…
December 1st, 2008 at 9:03 pm
I rest my case.
December 1st, 2008 at 9:00 pm
Esprit d’escalier isn’t a comeback. It’s the sensation of being burned at a social event of some kind, leaving, and thinking of the perfect come-back as you leave, especially when you think of the come-back while descending the stairs. So really, any of your examples, if actually said in direct retort don’t qualify as esprit d’escalier. Which kind of makes it seem like you don’t really know what you’re talking about and just dropped that to sound…interesting. Seriously, an episode of Seinfeld was dedicated to this. Pull your head out of your ass.
December 1st, 2008 at 8:41 pm
What the hell is the Watchmen pic on #4 for?
December 1st, 2008 at 8:29 pm
However, Einstein - not really religious in the normal sense. Not a theist anyway:
“The word god is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish. No interpretation no matter how subtle can (for me) change this.”
- Jan 3, 1954, letter to philosopher Eric Gutkind.
Einstein said “God does not play dice” when referring to the randomness of quantum theory.
Apart from that, nice zingage
December 1st, 2008 at 8:25 pm
Awesome job, Swaim. Churchill’s a playa.
December 1st, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Einstein didnt invent radiation, Marie Curie discovered it (how the eff do you invent radiation)?
December 1st, 2008 at 8:01 pm
Garfield didn’t serve two non-consecutive terms! It was Lincoln and Zombie Lincoln.
December 1st, 2008 at 7:56 pm
This could be the funniest damn thing I’ve ever read.
December 1st, 2008 at 7:56 pm
Frick, Swaim. After reading the dribble, I’m thinking you may need some friends. Ick. Everyone has an opinion. Free speech and all..
But, really? Not to mention everyone is an authority on history? Do they get it’s supposed to be comedic? And with such passion!
I didn’t think spelling errors would captivate an audience..to this day I have no idea..
I read the article too. I laughed. A bunch. Couple times out loud. It was no HBN, mind you, but still funny. Never, not once, did I edit.
December 1st, 2008 at 7:55 pm
I laughed at a couple.
December 1st, 2008 at 7:53 pm
The number 1 insult is inaccurate. John Entwistle (bassist for the who) said a supergroup with him, Keith and Jimmy page would go over like a “lead balloon.” To which Keith replied: “like a lead zeppelin!” Get your facts right cracked, for god’s sake.
December 1st, 2008 at 7:41 pm
No Norman Mailer’s “thank you, obedient bitches”?
What the fuck? It was such a great moment in righteous misogyny (I mean, seriously, fuck those bitches).
December 1st, 2008 at 7:40 pm
That shit was stupid~ SWAIM~ JUMP IN A LAKE.
December 1st, 2008 at 7:39 pm
Awesome article. The British must be naturals at word battles.
December 1st, 2008 at 7:37 pm
hmm… that was pretty bad… whoever the writer is, they need to stop writing, or at least stop including jokes that 10 year olds find too immature.
December 1st, 2008 at 7:29 pm
This may just be the worst article ever conceived. Congrats.
December 1st, 2008 at 7:25 pm
Luckily I read the comments so I know that esprit d’escalier doesn’t actually mean ghost staircase. I might have been in the dark on that one.
December 1st, 2008 at 7:23 pm
Hey, Einstein. You got your vowels all mixed up. It’s N-I-E-L-S Bohr.
Nitpicking aside, great article.
December 1st, 2008 at 7:19 pm
I’m going to go ahead and assume it hasn’t been pointed out yet: Esprit d’escalier means “thinking of a comeback far, far too late.” The story of it is you’ve just thought of a brilliant line that would have been perfect, as you walk down the stairs and out of the house.
December 1st, 2008 at 7:12 pm
Moon actually said “Like a lead balloon”
Zing! In your face.
December 1st, 2008 at 7:06 pm
I eat peanut butter and banana sandwiches because your face.
December 1st, 2008 at 6:56 pm
Cricketers always talk shit to each other to psyche out the other team. Here’s a zinger:
Glen McGrath - “Hey Eddo, why are you so fucking fat?”
Eddo Brandes - “Because every time I fuck your mother, she gives me a biscuit.”
December 1st, 2008 at 6:55 pm
[...] 6) Lá vem os quadrinhos do Jornada nas Estrelas… 7) Jake Gylenhaal é o Prince of Persia
As dez melhores respostas pra calar a boca de metidos a engraçadinhos da história 9) Ricky Gervais, gênio do stand up 10) O próximo filme de Michael Moore vai mirar na economia [...]
December 1st, 2008 at 6:55 pm
In item #3, the wrong Lewis Morris is depicted. The photo depicts, not the Welsh poet Sir Lewis Morris who was a contemporary of Oscar Wilde, but the American Lewis Morris who signed the Declaration of Independence, and who died 56 years before Oscar Wilde was born.
December 1st, 2008 at 6:52 pm
“Biography” is spelled wrong. Just to let you know…
December 1st, 2008 at 6:47 pm
I’d say that Moon is far more famous for the rockin’ lifestyle than Page, to the point that it overshadows his musical talent. More people know the old tale about the car and the pool than can relate an anecdote about Page’s lifestyle offstage. Also, way to make the Who seem like an obscure little band.
Not a bad article otherwise, though.
December 1st, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Nice one! Churchill rules haha
PS: “esprit d’escalier”= staircase wit ; no ghost involved there.
December 1st, 2008 at 6:42 pm
Michael..no doubt you are uniquely talented. Wow. I’m somewhat going through withdrawals, however..I’m listening to Geldorf “I Don’t Like Mondays’..like..all day. HBN..
On a brighter note..it appears given your slightly off-base comedy style..we won’t lose you any time soon. I’m reluctant (and G-Stone will undoubtedly warn) to affix any affection anytime soon. Lucky you. Lucky you.
December 1st, 2008 at 6:33 pm
I would argue that that following phrase would be the most devastating insult would be: I hope that your children would get bonemarrow cancer. That’ll shut anyone up.
December 1st, 2008 at 6:32 pm
yeah Swaim you da bomb.
Wilde had loads more zingers - even than Churchill.
Nice breadth on this one.
December 1st, 2008 at 6:19 pm
Fantastic article
December 1st, 2008 at 6:18 pm
non-consecutive terms I meant.
December 1st, 2008 at 6:16 pm
“I couldn’t finish the article after seeing the graphic in number 5. Garfield didn’t serve two non-consecutive terms. He was killed in office, actually. Grover Cleveland served two non-consecutive terms.”
“Fail on the pic of the dude in the Garfield suit and the non-consecutive terms caption… Grover Cleveland served two non-consecutive terms, not Garfield.”
“It wasn’t Coolidge who served two non-consecutive terms — it was Grover Cleveland. He was 22nd and 24th President.”
“I’m pretty sure Garfield wasn’t the president to serve two non-consecutive terms. That was Grover Cleveland.”
I started to say something about this too, but then I realized I was looking at a picture of a dude in a Garfield Halloween suit and not James Garfield and it really didn’t say two consecutive terms of what.
December 1st, 2008 at 6:01 pm
Wagrid Says:
That’s like punching our mothers in the face you cock! Don’t undervalue Churchill, he was clearly more baddass than all your presidents put together. That said, great article as usual Swaim!
you’ve obviously never heard of Theodore Roosevelt
or George Washington
or Andrew Jackson
December 1st, 2008 at 5:48 pm
Einstein wasn’t religious. and it’s a rumour that needs to be ended!
December 1st, 2008 at 5:46 pm
To settle the Einstein debate I see heating up here:
Having just written a 27 page thesis on Hebrew Cosmology and Modern Science, a fair bit of which was devoted to biographical research of Einstein, I can say with confidence that he certainly believed in the possibility of a supreme being (perhaps even believing in that supreme being as the propagator of the Big Bang), but he was not at all religious in the institutional/dogmatic sense.
-R
December 1st, 2008 at 5:41 pm
Tres bon! I’ll have to say that I think His Majesty the Queen Oscar Wilde had some better insults than that. He could be a real bitch when it was needed. And not needed.
Oscar Wilde. Pioneering the verbal bitchslap since 1854.
December 1st, 2008 at 5:38 pm
“Your face” is a classic. IMO I think its the best come back of all time. Its so retarded. The only way to retort is.. YOUR FACE.
December 1st, 2008 at 5:34 pm
@ That Jeff- Other way around. Joan Crawford died, and Bette Davis saw that it was good. Actually, the Bette Davis/Joan Crawford catfights deserve a mention…
“Why am I so good at playing bitches? I think it’s because I’m not a bitch. Maybe that’s why Joan Crawford always plays ladies.”
December 1st, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Churchill is now my hero
December 1st, 2008 at 5:03 pm
Yeah, I heard Cal said “Fuck you” too. So…that’s the story i’m gonna pass on to people
December 1st, 2008 at 4:57 pm
Esprit d’escalier is not a comeback, it’s thinking of what you could have said as a comeback once is too late…
Besides, esprit can be translated as “mind”, too, so the expression means “your mind coming back to you once you’re in the staircase, so, too late”.
So, staircase ghost? Get your facts straight before using another language. Wikipedia is there for that.
December 1st, 2008 at 4:57 pm
That Jeff says: “How did it go again? Bette Davis dies, and the news wants a quote from Joan Crawford; “I’ve been told you should never speak of the dead unless it’s something good. Bette Davis is dead. Good.”
Davis died 12 years after Crawford.
December 1st, 2008 at 4:57 pm
This one is not famous, and not a direct insult, but hilarious nonetheless:
John McKay was the coach of the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers, their first year in the league as expansion team, and they had a 0-14 record. He was asked after a game what he thought of his teams execution and he said “I’m in favor of it.”
December 1st, 2008 at 4:48 pm
I’m pretty sure the devoutly religious Einstein thing was a joke…
What’s with atheists anyway? Talk about insecure… If cracked had (and I wouldn’t be surprised if they already have multiple times) made a joke about how Jesus had been seen making devil signs while headbanging, people would laugh about it. Religious and non religious alike. One little joke about a secular hero, and suddenly, “oh, it’s on!!!”
WTF?
Tell you what, evolve some thicker skin.
Personally I subscribe to the “none of the above theory” that states that it’s just silly and arrogant to think that the true answers HAVE to be things we’ve already thought of.
December 1st, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Coolidge (d. 1933) couldn’t have appeared from beyond the grave to thumbs-up Wilde (d. 1900), though he could have put his thumbs up Wilde (many did) in their actual lifetimes. Dot Parker quote: “If all the girls at Brandeis were laid end-to-end….I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.”
December 1st, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Not to be picky, but “l’esprit d’escalier” means, literally, “spirit of the staircase”, and it’s used in French to describe when you think of the perfect comeback to an insult about ten minutes later. But I still loved the article. I was going to have a cow if the Churchill/Shaw exploit wasn’t listed, but you pulled through. Congrats!
December 1st, 2008 at 4:28 pm
great job irradiating my turtles, Einstein; they’ve transformed into man-sized ninja monsters
lolol
December 1st, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Actually, what Jimmy Page told Keith Moon was that they were going to call said band The New Yardbirds, since Led Zeppelin formed out of the ashes of the original Yardbirds.
December 1st, 2008 at 4:24 pm
[...] Cracked.com har de 10 verste fornærmelser gjennom alle tider. [...]
December 1st, 2008 at 4:22 pm
“Winston Churchill, one of Britain’s best-loved Prime Ministers, helped lead the nation to victory in World War II by sitting on his fat ass, smoking cigars, and delivering more quotable lines than an entire staff of Simpsons writers.” That’s like punching our mothers in the face you cock! Don’t undervalue Churchill, he was clearly more baddass than all your presidents put together. That said, great article as usual Swaim!
December 1st, 2008 at 4:15 pm
No on is 100% right about Einstein here.
Einstein was not religious and didn’t believe in a personal God, which is true. Einstein however was a pandeist that believed that God and the universe were one, but had no vested interest in individual persons.
December 1st, 2008 at 4:06 pm
Einstein was not religious. That is a myth that is spread by religious people attempting to claim the (arguably) most famous scientist ever.
December 1st, 2008 at 3:47 pm
[...] Check out The 10 Most Devastating Insults of All Time. [...]
December 1st, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Lady Astor: Sir, if you were my husband I would poison your drink.
Churchil: Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
My favourite.
December 1st, 2008 at 3:34 pm
My favorite was was between Sid Vicious and Lemmy from Motorhead. Sid went to Lemmy for pointers, saying he couldn’t play bass. Lemmy looked at him and said simply, “I know you can’t, Sid.”
December 1st, 2008 at 3:30 pm
“It was, of course, a lie what you read about my religious convictions, a lie which is being systematically repeated. I do not believe in a personal God and I have never denied this but have expressed it clearly. If something is in me which can be called religious then it is the unbounded admiration for the structure of the world so far as our science can reveal it.”
- Albert Einstein
“It was, of course, a lie what you read about my religious convictions, a lie which is being systematically repeated. I do not believe in a personal God and I have never denied this but have expressed it clearly. If something is in me which can be called religious then it is the unbounded admiration for the structure of the world so far as our science can reveal it.”
- Albert Einstein
“It was, of course, a lie what you read about my religious convictions, a lie which is being systematically repeated. I do not believe in a personal God and I have never denied this but have expressed it clearly. If something is in me which can be called religious then it is the unbounded admiration for the structure of the world so far as our science can reveal it.”
- Albert Einstein
“It was, of course, a lie what you read about my religious convictions, a lie which is being systematically repeated. I do not believe in a personal God and I have never denied this but have expressed it clearly. If something is in me which can be called religious then it is the unbounded admiration for the structure of the world so far as our science can reveal it.”
- Albert Einstein
“It was, of course, a lie what you read about my religious convictions, a lie which is being systematically repeated. I do not believe in a personal God and I have never denied this but have expressed it clearly. If something is in me which can be called religious then it is the unbounded admiration for the structure of the world so far as our science can reveal it.”
- Albert Einstein
“It was, of course, a lie what you read about my religious convictions, a lie which is being systematically repeated. I do not believe in a personal God and I have never denied this but have expressed it clearly. If something is in me which can be called religious then it is the unbounded admiration for the structure of the world so far as our science can reveal it.”
- Albert Einstein
December 1st, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Gigglefanny,
You couldn’t be more wrong. Calvin was named after John Calvin and Hobbes was named after Thomas Hobbes. If you don’t know who they are, look them up.
December 1st, 2008 at 3:10 pm
How did it go again? Bette Davis dies, and the news wants a quote from Joan Crawford; “I’ve been told you should never speak of the dead unless it’s something good. Bette Davis is dead. Good.”
December 1st, 2008 at 3:00 pm
My favorite Churchill was when somebody (not sure who) came into his office, watched him fill a glass with brandy and slurp it down with one drink and said, “You’ve probably drank enough liquor to fill half this room.” Churchill looked around the room while pouring another glass and said, “Only half-way? Looks like I’ve got work to do.” Talk about the epitomy of functional alchoholic.
December 1st, 2008 at 2:42 pm
that’s not how it happen with zep. it was richard cole, john entwistle and moon. check your facts.
December 1st, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Einstein is often misunderstood as a believer in God because of some of his comments where he compares the universe to god. This happened while he was still alive as well, so I’ll let him speak for himself.
“It was, of course, a lie what you read about my religious convictions, a lie which is being systematically repeated. I do not believe in a personal god and I have never denied this but have expressed it clearly. If something is in me which can be called religious then it is the unbounded admiration for the structure of the world so far as our science can reveal it.”
He also called belief in a personal god “childlike”.
December 1st, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Actually, being a die-hard Who-lover, I had very little understanding of who Jimmy Page is. Very overrated band, Led Zepplin. Just an opinion, I can kinda see the draw though. Ish.
December 1st, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Einstien was not a religious man, he was actually most likely an athiest… Einstein penned a letter on January 3 1954 to the philosopher Eric Gutkind who had sent him a copy of his book Choose Life: The Biblical Call to Revolt. The letter went on public sale a year later and has remained in private hands ever since.
In the letter, he states: “The word god is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish. No interpretation no matter how subtle can (for me) change this.”
boom.
December 1st, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Excellent pick of Mark McGrath for the @SSh0l3, he is nothing without Sugar Ray!
December 1st, 2008 at 2:24 pm
[...] 10 Most Devastating Insults of All Time [...]
December 1st, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Fiendish- stick a cock in it, the interviewer was being a bitch about teaching boys gun saftey (which everyone should have so there arent so many idiot kids shooting each other by accident). and the insult fits because just cause someone knows how to use a gun doesnt mean they are a potential killer, and just cause you have a vagina doesnt mean you are going to be a prostitute
December 1st, 2008 at 2:21 pm
@Nunya
If she said “more than one word” and then Coolidge replied with two, Parker would have won her bet.
“Mr. Coolidge, I’ve made a bet against a fellow who said it was impossible to get more than two words out of you.”
She was betting that she could get more than two words out of him. She only got two words, so she lost.
December 1st, 2008 at 2:16 pm
“L’esprit de l’escalier” translates as ’staircase wit” which means that the perfect comeback only appears in your mind once you have left the party and are in the staircase..
Thanks for clearing that up. That is such an accurate statement my mind exploded.
December 1st, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Im going to put this to rest i have read Einsteins biography. when he was a child he went through a religious streak (Judaism) and by the time he was an adult doing all o his scientific research he was non-practicing Jew but out of habit he still used god and other church analogies when he spoke …calling him very religious is way off he preferred to stay away from authority organizations like government (especially the military) and organized religion….and to his credit he was dead right by saying after WWII that the jews shouldnt be given land in the middle east. hat it would only cause problems and jews are naturally wandering people, we should have listened! haha
December 1st, 2008 at 2:08 pm
The zeppelin name thing happened when Page, not Plant, talked to Moon about his new project. He was thinking of calling the band the “New Yardbirds”. Moon replied that the name “New Yardbirds” would go over like a Lead Balloon, not the group and project itself.
December 1st, 2008 at 2:00 pm
LMAO! FUNNIEST THING EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
December 1st, 2008 at 1:59 pm
So… she said “more than 2 words.” “you lose” is only 2 words. Not more than that… so you sure she didn’t say “more than 1 word?”
December 1st, 2008 at 1:54 pm
No face comeback on number 2. I fail your face!
December 1st, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Thus is the best Cracked article I’ve ever read!
Congrats.
December 1st, 2008 at 1:44 pm
I think it’s adequate to say that Winston Churchill was a hardcore motherfucker?
December 1st, 2008 at 1:37 pm
I really prefer, for a Churchill/Astor exchange:
Astor: Winston, if you were my husband I would poison your tea.
Churchill: Nancy, if i were your husband I would drink it!
December 1st, 2008 at 1:34 pm
How could you forget the DAN QUAYLE-BENSON one?
That was a major burn on national TV …
December 1st, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Was the “cold and detached cartoon cat” a reference to Roast Beef?
December 1st, 2008 at 1:26 pm
RE: not a noob:
Clearly you ARE a noob, or at least some kind of idiot. Grover Cleveland was the president to serve two non-consecutive terms, not Chester A. Arthur. Please do not engage in any more noobery today.
December 1st, 2008 at 1:23 pm
I’m pretty sure Garfield wasn’t the president to serve two non-consecutive terms. That was Grover Cleveland.
December 1st, 2008 at 1:21 pm
Fiendish:
The interviewer cheerily assumes that if someone knows how to fire a gun or knows gun safety, they must be a morally reprehensible person who goes around using such skills in a horrible way (killing people), and should be judged as such.
I think the comeback is great.
The interviewer happens to have a vagina. Does that mean we’re just as free to blithely judge her and assume that she’s going to use it in a morally reprehensible (for the purpose of discussion) way?
If that doesn’t make sense, maybe the original poster can draw us a diagram
Peace out
December 1st, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Charles de Gaulle on Winston Churchill: “When I am right, I get angry. Churchill gets angry when he is wrong. So we were very often angry at each other.”
(Whether that counts as a zing or a comeback is probably lost in decades of rivalry and grudging admiration. See Winston Churchill on Charles de Gaulle: “”A great man? Why, he’s selfish, he’s arrogant, he thinks he’s the center of the universe … He … Yes, you’re right, he’s a great man!”)
December 1st, 2008 at 1:13 pm
i hated the what we would have said comments.
I believe that’s the point.
December 1st, 2008 at 1:10 pm
“L’esprit de l’escalier” translates as ’staircase wit” which means that the perfect comeback only appears in your mind once you have left the party and are in the staircase..
December 1st, 2008 at 1:08 pm
@notTOOharsh
*WHOOSH*
That’s the sound of the opening joke going over your head.
December 1st, 2008 at 1:05 pm
I’m very fond of Voltaire’s “I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: “O Lord make my enemies ridiculous. And God granted it”. Rapier-like precision combined with general attack to devastating effect.
Top article, by the way. Although I’m pretty sure the Who/Led Zep thing went differently.
December 1st, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Never before have I chuckled so much at an article. My only wish now is to somehow be that witty all the time.
…
One day….
December 1st, 2008 at 1:00 pm
Haha this article was great…gonna have myself a slice of lol for this one.
HOWEVER, Calvin Coolidge kind of did inspire a cartoon strip. You know Calvin and Hobbes?
Although Calvin’s (the character) behavior certainly does not mirror that of the former president’s… Hobbes was based on the fact that Calvin Coolidge had a pet tiger when he was young…
The internet=serious business
December 1st, 2008 at 12:50 pm
Also, the entire thing was made up: Cosgrove never said it, and as far as the Internet can see, nobody else did either.
December 1st, 2008 at 12:48 pm
You spelled Pierce wrong.. and also Chester A Arthur was the one who served two non consecutive terms!
December 1st, 2008 at 12:47 pm
I’m a fan of both, the Who and Led Zep but the Who own Zeppelin any day!
Page’s guitarwork is no match for Pete Townshend’s overall genius
Roger Daltrey had done everything that Plant did before him, better and in a less gay manner too
Both the bassists were excellent, but then Entwistle used to sing as well so another point for the Who
And finally, Keith Moon scores over Bonham just because he was Moon
RIP Moon the Loon
December 1st, 2008 at 12:46 pm
joostcanters: That is the stupidest, most offensive comeback I have ever heard. She accused him of arming children and teaching them skills which in reality kill thousands of people; he accused her of being a woman.
He was literally equipping young men with guns (in a supervised environment; I get that, that’s not my problem). She was not equipped with anything other than the basic fact of her femininity. The comeback in no way suited the original argument - it’s not like she said he was equipped to be a rapist.
And this marks the first time I’ve ever been even mildly offended by something in the Cracked comments section.
December 1st, 2008 at 12:39 pm
The Zeppelin thing didn’t happen like that. First off it was Jimmy Page talking to Keith Moon about the two of them being in a band, not Robert Plant. That’s when Moon said it would go over like a lead zeppelin. And when The Yardbirds disbanded and Jimmy put the new band together, he used the name. But other than that cool list.
December 1st, 2008 at 12:34 pm
One of my favorites… At the deliberations of the International Olympic Committee, for deciding the site of the 2008 Olympics. France and China were the front runners…
Chinese Delagate: We simply can’t have the Olympics in Paris, the streets are covered in dogshit.
French Delegate: Well yes, of course you don’t have that problem in China. There are no dogs on the street because you eat them all.
December 1st, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Einstein was most definitely NOT religious. For decades after his death, his family worked to keep the religious from “claiming” him as a deathbed convert but apparently they didn’t/couldn’t work hard enough.
December 1st, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Freetranslation.com let you down. L’esprit d’escalier means “spirit of the staircase”, or “staircase wit”. It has nothing to do with ghosts and everything to do with a witty mentality required to generate a good comeback. Retard.
December 1st, 2008 at 12:23 pm
I’m trying to decide what comments I like better. All the people upset about an obvious sarcastic reference to Einstein being religious (as all the other “facts” about Einstein were true) or Panzer-Stier Ross’ comment which was basically saying “this article missed the best insult ever” and then listing one in the article, only getting it wrong.
No wonder the round-up ends up just lumping everyone’s comments together.
Also, your face.
December 1st, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Your Face.
December 1st, 2008 at 12:16 pm
To Donal:
How could he be religious if he didn’t believe in god?
“The word ‘god’ is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weakness, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish. ”
“For me the Jewish religion like all others is an incarnation of the most childish superstitions.”
- Albert Einstein
December 1st, 2008 at 12:14 pm
It wasn’t Coolidge who served two non-consecutive terms — it was Grover Cleveland. He was 22nd and 24th President.
December 1st, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Somebody else already correct this, but yeah…
l’esprit d’escalier is when you think of a perfect comeback *after* the fact. Anyway, “The Spirit of the Stairs” is a better translation than “The Staircase Ghost”. lol.
Sorry. It just bothers me when people use phrases the wrong way.
December 1st, 2008 at 12:04 pm
That kinda sucked.
December 1st, 2008 at 12:02 pm
Oh, and one more thing, it’s Niels Bohr, not Neils.
December 1st, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Here’s a nice one as well:
For those that don’t know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an “Australian treasure!”
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. You’ll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
December 1st, 2008 at 11:55 am
Number 7, the first recorded instance of “I know you are, but what am I”?
December 1st, 2008 at 11:49 am
So Basically, Buddha was the first person to use the “I’m rubber, you’re glue” phrase?
And I always thought that one was retarded. Turns out its heavily enlightened.
December 1st, 2008 at 11:38 am
@Chris
Einstein was a deeply religious man. Now, I’m not any kind of religious person, but he was.
December 1st, 2008 at 11:29 am
I’m painting “Ace of Base, SHUT YOUR FACE” on the side of my Killdozer.
December 1st, 2008 at 11:22 am
The only cat to serve two non-consecutive terms was Grover Cleveland. I wonder what else on this page is poorly researched. FACE!
December 1st, 2008 at 11:20 am
Is it me or is the background for #4 a panel from the Watchmen comics?
December 1st, 2008 at 11:12 am
Neils Bohr can eat a dick. Einstein’s work on photo-electric measurement set the groundwork for subatomic measurement and quantum mechanics. Without Einstein, Bohr would almost certainly have become a male prostitute (or something else). Photons ftw.
December 1st, 2008 at 11:10 am
Fail on the pic of the dude in the Garfield suit and the non-consecutive terms caption… Grover Cleveland served two non-consecutive terms, not Garfield.
However, it may still be funny if you changed the caption to say “I was only in office for four months
:( 
.”
December 1st, 2008 at 11:10 am
Calling Einstein a religious man ruined everything. He was most definitely not religious.
December 1st, 2008 at 11:06 am
what a cheap , rotten thing to do - !!! I copy these articles and send them to a friend in prison (the only bright spot in his days) - what did you do to this one - ??????? kind of mean spirited !!!! shame on you greedy one !!!!
December 1st, 2008 at 11:01 am
Fairly funny, but “l’esprit d’escalier,” means, as Whiteiris42 said earlier, actually the opposite than what it says in the introduction. That is, thinking of a comeback too late, instead of just at the perfect moment. Wikipedia apparently has an article on it, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/L‘esprit_de_l’escalier
December 1st, 2008 at 10:59 am
I couldn’t finish the article after seeing the graphic in number 5. Garfield didn’t serve two non-consecutive terms. He was killed in office, actually. Grover Cleveland served two non-consecutive terms.
Historical rage done with, I shall now finish this (admittedly funny) article.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:55 am
What would a biagraphy actually be?
December 1st, 2008 at 10:55 am
Dorothy Parker wrote my favorite poem:
“I like to have a Martini,
two at the very most;
three, I’m under the table,
four I’m under my host.”
December 1st, 2008 at 10:50 am
Well done, Mr. Swaim, well done
December 1st, 2008 at 10:45 am
Churchill was a master of put-downs.
My favourite was when he told a female journalist who accused him of being a raging alcoholic (yeah, because nobody noticed it):
“In the morning dear I will still be drunk, and you will still be hideously ugly”.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:43 am
Exchange I once witnessed:
Guy1: -Generic insult-
Guy2: Your face is -Generic insult-!
Guy1: What a lame comeback.
Guy2: If I wanted my comeback, I’d scrape it off your mother’s front teeth.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:41 am
Exchange I once witnessed:
Guy1:
Guy2: Your face is !
Guy1: What a lame comeback.
Guy2: If I wanted my comeback, I’d scrape it off your mother’s front teeth.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:37 am
Good article although i hated the what we would have said comments. Should’ve just left them out
December 1st, 2008 at 10:36 am
me vs boyfriend:
me: Shut your cocksucker!
boyfriend: Don’t you tell me what to do with my cocksucker.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:33 am
Awesome list, although I definitely think no. 10 and 9 were the only legendary comebacks
December 1st, 2008 at 10:31 am
for the page vs keith, the idea of the band was proposed by jimmy page and he told keith itd be called “the new yardbirds” cuz of just gettin done bein in “the yardbirds” , but keith said if that would be the name then the band would go over like a lead zeppelin, so they kept the name. moon then went on to say that they should drop the ‘a’ in lead because the “thick-headed” americans would mispronounce it
-thick headed american
December 1st, 2008 at 10:30 am
JERK STORE!
December 1st, 2008 at 10:23 am
Excellent. Winston Churchill is the bomb.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:11 am
Nope, ‘escalier’ is definitely ’staircase’, as ‘ascenseur’ is ‘elevator.’
Loved the list. Lovely to see Dorothy Parker mentioned, and more than once. My hat off to you sir!
December 1st, 2008 at 10:07 am
No Lloyd Benson v. Dan Quayle?
DQ: I have far more experience than many others that sought the office of vice president of this country. I have as much experience in the Congress as Jack Kennedy did when he sought the presidency. I will be prepared to deal with the people in the Bush administration, if that unfortunate event would ever occur.
LB: Senator, I served with Jack Kennedy: I knew Jack Kennedy; Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy.
I swear that one of Quayle’s testicles died that night.
December 1st, 2008 at 9:28 am
Very good! Insults are always good for a largh, and these are top.
I thought the French phrase about the spirit of the stairs was more about the “I wish I would have said” feeling you get at a missed insult opportunity.
December 1st, 2008 at 9:14 am
“l’esprit d’escalier”
should translate as “elevator spirit”
meaning “You sent me an insult (the elevator), I am sending the elevator back to you”
December 1st, 2008 at 9:10 am
He he, funny list.
December 1st, 2008 at 9:05 am
Einstein was not religious. In fact he did not believe in god, he called religion a ‘childish belief.’
His ‘god does not play dice’ statement is a reference to his belief in a deterministic universe - not a god.
December 1st, 2008 at 9:03 am
My version of Coolidge’s comeback would’ve been “Fuck you.”
December 1st, 2008 at 8:58 am
awesome
It’s funny, I’ve heard the Einstein quote before, but the comeback is so awesome and completely destroys it, I’ll never be able to hear/see that quote again without laughing.
Also, #1 is so fantastic that it needs to be taught in a mandatory music appreciation class
December 1st, 2008 at 8:54 am
haha, I love it.
December 1st, 2008 at 8:45 am
And Gladstone with a funny..
I miss you Wayne! You Rotten Spawn of A Sailors VD!
December 1st, 2008 at 8:42 am
Wow, that was the worst episode of Hate By Numbers Ever.
December 1st, 2008 at 8:41 am
Winston Churchill FTW
December 1st, 2008 at 8:39 am
Huh. I’ve never done that before. That wasn’t exciting in the slightest, and certainly not fun enough to warrant the use of an exclamation mark, as I see so many do.
December 1st, 2008 at 8:39 am
God I love you.
December 1st, 2008 at 8:38 am
first?