The French call it “l’esprit d’escalier,” or “staircase ghost.”
To the rest of us, it is known simply as the comeback, that divine and tender coincidence of all the universe’s comedic forces at the perfect moment. A truly good comeback can instantly turn tables, elevate the terminally zinged to the status of champion, and reduce the zinger to a stuttering fool.
Sadly, many of us will go our entire lives without scoring a decent comeback, doomed to pause awkwardly and mutter some pathetic variation of “your face” for the rest of our miserable lives. For us, it must be enough simply to marvel at the comebacks of the better equipped, and possibly memorize them for later personal use. After all, you never know when you’re going to have to take that bitch Lady Astor down a peg.
The Players:
Most sources credit this exchange to John Wilkes and John Montagu, the Earl of Sandwich, although occasionally it’s also credited to British Prime Ministers Benjamin Disraeli and William Gladstone. I’m going to assume Sandwich said it, because it’s less satisfying to make fun of a guy who is considered the precursor of the modern politician than a guy who invented putting stuff in bread.
Setting the Scene:
When not revolutionizing the consumption of sliced meats and cheeses, Montagu was known for his incompetence, cruelty, lechery, and Satan-worshipping. The Earl was a member of The Hellfire Club, a “satanic” group dedicated to amoralistic hedonism, which totally explains all the sandwiches. There’s not a lot more seductively evil than a hot pastrami on rye. He was also responsible for commanding the British navy at the time of the American Revolution, and his incompetence at doing so is considered by historians to have been a large deciding factor in the war, so much so that when he died a popular proposed epitaph was “Seldom has any man held so many offices and accomplished so little.” Posthumous zing! Basically, the Earl of Sandwich was exactly like that Jack in the Box commercial made him out to be.
John Wilkes, another politician and member of The Hellfire Club, apparently pointed this out to him at some point, because the two were mortal enemies for most of their lives. Wilkes even famously Punk’d him by releasing a baboon dressed in a cape and horns at a meeting of THC while Sandwich was 
“invoking Satan.” It’s said to be this incident that inspired Sandwich to clutch his fear-soiled robes about himself and declare–
The Zing:
“Sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox.” To which Wilkes replied–
The Comeback:
“That will depend, my lord, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.”
Then the baboon clawed Sandwich’s face off while the real Satan appeared and congratulated Wilkes on the burn.
What We Would Have Said:
“Well I do know. I will die on the gallows…for murdering thee–in the face!”
The Players:
Winston Churchill, one of Britain’s best-loved Prime Ministers, helped lead the nation to victory in World War II by sitting on his fat ass, smoking cigars, and delivering more quotable lines than an entire staff of Simpsons writers. Churchill was such a powerful force in English politics that his death ensured work for ugly British actors for at least the next millennia. During his time in Parliament, he often had the occasion to square off against the conservative Lady Astor, first female member of Parliament and renowned wit. Whether Astor’s penchant for attacking Churchill was due to his being a heavy drinker, occasionally sexist, or simply a worthy sparring partner, their scuffles proved that if there’s anything politicians do well, it’s talk some serious shit.
Setting the Scene:
I should actually say “scenes.” Astor, who eventually became a Christian Scientist, didn’t much cotton to Churchill’s habit of smoking cigars by the case while double-fisting whiskey sours. Churchill may have started the rivalry when he compared Astor’s election to Parliament to be “like being intruded upon in the bathroom.” To which Astor replied “you’re not handsome enough to have such fears.” Reportedly Churchill then choked on a lungful of cigar smoke, eyed her through the haze, and muttered “it’s on now.” And on it was, with such exchanges as:
Churchill: “What disguise would you recommend I wear to your costume ball?”
Astor: “Why don’t you come sober, Prime Minister?”
Astor: “If you were my husband, I’d poison your tea.”
Churchill: “Madam, if you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
But perhaps the best-loved Astor/Churchill battle is the following, made doubly impressive by the fact that, by the admission of both parties, Churchill was visibly drunk at the time–
The Zing:
“Mr. Churchill, you are drunk!”
The Comeback:
“Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly but tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be ugly.”
What We Would Have Said:
“I won World War II, Ass-turd, so shut it. You know, Nazis? Hitler? Your face.”
The Players:
Dorothy Parker and Clare Boothe Luce are the type of women destined to make this list. Both were renowned for their incisive wit, both were prolific and award-winning writers, and both loved a good old-fashioned cat fight. Parker was one of the founding members of the Algonquin Roundtable, a group of writers, editors, and intellectuals who met for lunch every day to say quotable things and laugh urbanely about how much smarter than the general public they all were. Luce, aside from being a playwright, served as U.S. Ambassador to Italy and a Congresswoman, thereby posthumously zinging the hell out of Lady Astor.
Setting the Scene:
By the time these two fulfilled their comedic destinies, they had a lot to be pissy about. Parker had become a left-wing activist, picketing for Sacco and Vanzetti, penning the disillusioned Oscar-winner A Star Is Born, and promptly getting blacklisted by the McCarthy machine. Meanwhile, Luce had converted to Roman Catholicism and become more conservative than ever, as well as one of the leading voices against the “growing threat of Communism.” Basically, they did everything they could to become exact opposites of one another, short of Parker getting a sex change. Thus, when they arrived simultaneously at the front door of the Waldorf-Astoria hotel to attend a party, both had to get a dig in. Luce began the proceedings by holding the door for Parker and intoning–
The Zing:
“Age before beauty.”
Parker then ended the proceedings by stepping through the door and shooting back–
The Comeback:
“Pearls before swine.”
Luce’s Bible then burst into flames, burned its way out of her purse onto the ground, and flipped open to that particular verse while the Pope, who had been arguing with the guy at the check-in counter, started to high five Parker repeatedly.
What We Would Have Said:
“More like beauty before age! Which is why I’m going first, because I’m the most beautiful, and also the oldest. So yes, age and beauty both first, together. Fuck you and your stupid face.”
The Players:
Not a lot of religious figureheads are known for their sharp wit. Jesus kind of painted himself into a corner with the whole “turn the other cheek” thing, and Jehovah’s idea of a comeback was killing your entire town in a rain of brimstone and blood. Not exactly Friar’s Club Roast material. Meanwhile, 
Mohammed’s pathetic attempts at insult are the stuff of legend, and while Joseph Smith once said something about Vishnu winning an “arms race,” the reference was lost on most in attendance.
Yes, in the religious world, Siddhartha “The Buddha” Guatama is the undisputed king of zing. Raised in a palace and educated as a prince, he had the broad knowledge base required for improvisational mockery. And, as a proponent of balance in all things, he’s one of the few religious figures who can justify the use of a withering comeback. After all, what better way to balance out an insult than an insult of equal force in the opposing direction? This concept encompasses all the teachings of Buddhism (there’s some Newtonian physics mixed in there too).
Setting the Scene:
Buddha was meditating beneath a tree, as he is wont to do, and presumably wondering why he found it so difficult to shed those few extra pounds of belly fat (hint: try standing up some time). Naturally, this made The Buddha cranky, so when some random asshole started hurling petty insults at him, he decided to get all Socratic on his ass a full century before Socrates was even born. The lesson goes something like this–
The Zing:
Asshole: “Buddha, you are one fat piece of work. Wow. I hope you eat some bad pork and die.”
Buddha: “If a man offered a gift to another but the gift was declined, to whom would the gift belong?”
Asshole: “To the one who offered it…but I really don’t see where you’re going with—“
The Comeback:
Buddha: “Then I decline to accept your abuse and request that you keep it for yourself.”
The asshole was then spontaneously reincarnated as the lowest form of life, a list-based comedy writer.
What We Would Have Said:
“You’ll be sorry when I’m Enlightened! Then you’ll pay…then you’ll all pay, right through your stupid faces.”
The Players:
Churchill you may remember from several minutes ago. At this point in our story, he’s still the British Prime Minister, still drinks and smokes like a fish’s chimney, and still seems to spout off horrendous 
burns like some kind of reverse fireman. This time, the target of his fire hose is George Bernard Shaw, Irish playwright, author of Pygmalion, and Socialist extraordinaire. Shaw spent most of his life crusading for the working class, even going so far as to donate the monetary portion of his Nobel Prize in literature to the effort to translate Swedish works of literature into English. This also qualified him for the Nobel Prize in Most Obscure Donation, the financial proceeds of which he used to build a gold statue of himself.
Setting the Scene:
When Shaw’s play Major Barbara went up (or by some accounts Pygmalion), he decided to invite Winston Churchill to the opening via personal telegram. Shaw and Churchill had what could be termed a “friendly rivalry” going on, insofar as both had at one point publicly called the other vastly overrated. But since Nobel Laureates are “above” expressing rivalry by punching each other mercilessly in the shoulder, Shaw’s telegram read–
The Zing:
“Have reserved two tickets for opening night. Come and bring a friend—if you have one.”
Churchill wired back–
The Comeback:
“Impossible to come to first night. Will come to second night—if you have one.”
Churchill then chuckled at his own telegram, rolled over in bed, and helped Lady Astor sneak out the fire escape.
What We Would Have Said:
“Request another ticket, as I am bringing two friends–my balls. Will introduce them to your face.”
The Players:
Calvin Coolidge isn’t known for a lot. He’s one of those Presidents you tend to shuffle into the Pearce/Taylor/Hayes/Garfield category, and even Garfield inspired a fat cartoon cat. Any cartoon character inspired by Coolidge would likely be “cold, distant, silent and detached,” as papers of the day described him. And while I personally would find a cold and detached cartoon cat to be an awesome concept for a comic strip, no brave artist has as yet stepped up to the plate. Until then, we’ll have to satisfy ourselves with this anecdote, which will probably have a more lasting impact on the nation than anything else “Silent Cal” did while in office.
Setting the Scene:
Coolidge earned his reputation for silence at a string of lavish dinner parties thrown by New York and Washington’s high society. When asked why he attended so many of these parties, despite seeming to be a general downer at them, he shrugged and said, “Got to eat somewhere.” So you get an idea of what a great guy he was. At a particular party, Dorothy Parker—the pearls/swine lady from before—decided that devouring the soul of Clare Boothe Luce wasn’t enough; she wanted the President. Turning to him, she said–
The Zing:
“Mr. Coolidge, I’ve made a bet against a fellow who said it was impossible to get more than two words out of you.”
The Comeback:
“You lose.” Coolidge continued staring into his soup, spoon poised, waited for a proper amount of awkward silence to pass, then slurped continuously for upwards of twenty seconds.
Although Parker still got Coolidge in the end, famously responding to the news of his death by asking “How can they tell?” Posthumous zing number two!
What We Would Have Said:
“Your face.”
The Players:
Yes, the estate of Winston Churchill is sponsoring a large portion of this article. In case you’ve forgotten, he’s the UK PM with Hitchcock’s physique and Castro’s capacity for oral tobacco intake. 
Francis Crick, along with his loyal manservant Watson, sleuthed the basic helical structure of DNA and single-handedly foiled the evil Professor Moriarty.
Setting the Scene:
When Cambridge put in a chapel in the early 60’s, Crick, who at that time was keeping busy nailing the hell out of his bio students and driving around in a Beemer with the vanity plate “ACGT,” became morally outraged and resigned his post. As it is a British the custom to grind salt into the wounds of fellow celebrities by mail, Winston Churchill wasted no time in sending Crick a letter “consoling” him for the loss he suffered due to his stubborn ideals.
The Zing:
Churchill’s letter urged Crick to take back his old job and try not to mind about the church. After all, he argued, “its mere existence should be of no consequence, as no one will be forced into it against his will.”
The Comeback:
“Dear Mr. Churchill. Enclosed are ten guineas towards the construction of a brothel at Cambridge. Its mere existence should be of no consequence, as no one will be required to enter it against his will.”
Crick then performed his patented victory move, “The Helix,” though as the insult had been delivered through the mail, much of the effect was lost.
What We Would Have Said:
“Here’s ten guineas, ugly. Go fix your face.”
The Players:
Oscar Wilde, author of The Importance of Being Earnest and The Picture of Dorian 
Gray, was a renowned Irish playwright and wit who wore fur coats in public, had catty feuds with other poets, and just went around generally acting so gay that he was ultimately put on trial and imprisoned for his homosexuality. His works and legacy are still going strong, despite tremendous efforts to silence his “indecency” in his own time, although his is still occasionally mistaken for actor Gene Wilder, probably because he’s as close to Willy Wonka as any living human’s ever been.
Lewis Morris was another poet and friend of Oscar’s who wasn’t nearly as gay and has therefore rightly been forgotten.
Setting the Scene:
It seems Mr. Morris was a bit of a Kanye, as one evening found him bitching to his friend Wilde about his narrowly missing being appointed Poet Laureate of the United Kingdom. In fact, as it’s probably his association with Wilde that cost him the appointment, we should imagine the complaints to be suitably passive-aggressive. At the time, Wilde was probably organizing his legal defense, which ended up being so eloquent it was later adapted into a popular play.
The Zing:
More of a whine, actually. But Morris reputedly complained–
“There’s a conspiracy against me, a conspiracy of silence; but what can one do? What should I do?”
Wilde shuffled in his satin robe, roused from a deep Opium dream, and answered–
The Comeback:
“Join it.”
Then came his signature fluting laugh, and the chorus of naked boys burst into scattered applause. Then Calvin Coolidge appeared from beyond the grave to give him a Presidential thumbs up.
What We Would Have Said:
“Here’s a poem, you emo prick: Ace of Base, shut your face.”
The Players:
Albert Einstein, a Nazi defector, is best known for the series of posters he appeared on with his tongue sticking out. He also invented radiation, daily exposure to which tragically caused him to always have “static electricity hair.” This obvious physical defect led to his name becoming synonymous with idiocy or buffoonery (i.e., “great job irradiating my turtles, Einstein; they’ve transformed into man-sized ninja monsters”).
Neils Bohr was a Nobel Laureate physicist with the Manhattan Project who provided powerful insights into atomic structure and early quantum mechanics. His mother was from a wealthy political family, his father had a molecular function named after him (the “Bohr shift”), and his brother was an Olympian. He is considered to be one of the fathers of modern physics, and was considered “adequate” by his parents.
Setting the Scene:
When quantum mechanics first introduced the idea of probability wave functions, a lot of physicists were like “what? I don’t even know what that is.” Then when it was explained that this basically implied a certain amount of indefinable and inscrutable uncertainty on the atomic level, most were still confused, but some started to get pissed off. One of these some was Einstein, a religious man, who proclaimed quantum theory bunk on the grounds that–
The Zing:
“God does not play dice.”
Bohr, being better acquainted with God’s gambling habits, offered the following advice–
The Comeback:
“Don’t tell God what to do with his dice.”
Two large dice then crashed down from the heavens, killing Einstein and proving God’s existence once and for all. The people rejoiced.
What We Would Have Said:
“Yeah he does, ass! That’s exactly what I’m saying!”
The Players:
Keith Moon, of The Who, is one of the greatest drummers and rock stars to ever grace a stage. His unique style of drumming like a goddamned madman and insisting that the drums be treated as a lead instrument paved the way for 32-piece, revolving drum sets everywhere. Further, his habit of utterly trashing hotel rooms, throwing TV sets out of windows, and blowing up toilets got him personally banned from no less than three major hotel chains and basically started the trend. He was a tortured, bizarre little man who hit his women, forced enough drugs through his system to mildly discomfort Keith Richards, and made some of the best noises in the history of rock.
I’d tell you who Jimmy Page is, but that kind of gives away the comeback, so I’ll act like you’ve lived under a rock for forty years and have no idea.
Setting the Scene:
One night, Robert Plant, John Entwhistle, Page and Moon were partying together at Moon’s house. We can safely presume both were high out of their minds, and at this point in the night had wearied of driving cars into pools full of groupies. Plant took the edge off by telling Moon all about his concept for a new rock band of tight-jeaned, open-shirted, long-haired men singing ten minute songs in falsetto about goblins raiding Middle Earth. Shaking off the effects of the horse sedatives he’d just taken rectally, Moon pulled himself out of the haze long enough to analogize–
The Zing:
“That idea will go over like a lead zeppelin.”
The Comeback:
The entire Led Zeppelin discography, not to mention the fact that more people associate Jimmy Page with the hard-rockin’ lifestyle than even know who the hell Keith Moon was.
What We Would Have Said:
“Is that girl’s pubic hair on fire? Seriously, Keith, what the hell is going on man? I’m really worried about you. Also, you’ve got some food on your face.”
When not writing for Cracked, Michael finds it increasingly difficult not to read a Churchill biography as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
- 2012 ... The Realistic Edition - January 7th, 2009
- The 8 Most Misguided Sci-Fi Versions Of 2008 - December 29th, 2008
- The 8 Best Internet Sketch Troupes Whose Initials Aren't TAM - December 15th, 2008
- The First 100 Days ... After: A Primer for George W. Bush - December 11th, 2008
- How Can We Be In A Recession If We've Got So Much Money? - December 10th, 2008
January 6th, 2009 at 6:52 am
These aren’t insults or even jokes, but I still think they’re clever:
Karl Marx, in reply to an essay titled “The Philosophy of Poverty”, wrote about the uselessness of philosophy and titled it “The Poverty of Philosophy”.
Mikhail Bakunin, one of the founders of anarchism, believed that God was invented to justified, and was the ultimate symbol of, authority and oppression. Turning Voltaire’s famous quote on its head, he wrote “If God really existed, it would be necessary to abolish Him”.
January 5th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
” [...]Einstein, a religious man[...]”
No he was not
December 30th, 2008 at 9:04 am
# Ben Says:
December 3rd, 2008 at 10:05 pm
It’s also worth mentioning that #7 is probably a lie, because the Buddha wasn’t fat. He engaged in such Ghandhi-like self-starvation that he was skinnier than Nicole Richie on coke.
It’s not a lie, but cracked made up the “abuse” since it was never told exactly what that man said - since it’s besides the point.
And he didn’t starve himself when he was at the point of preaching, he starved himself (and also did many other ridiculous things) before he understood the path to enlightenment.
He died by eating putrid pork, that part is true.
Gautama Buddha’s preaching was interrupted one day by a man unleashing a flurry of abusive invective. Calmly waiting for his critic to finish, Buddha asked: “If a man offered a gift to another but the gift was declined, to whom would the gift belong?” “To the one who offered it,” the man replied. “Then,” Buddha declared, “I decline to accept your abuse and request that you keep it for yourself.”
December 29th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
Nobody thinks that Jimmy Page lived a more hard rock lifestyle then Keith Moon. Nobody.
December 29th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
Lady Astor should have replied ” But Mr. Churchill , you are incredibly ugly. Look in the fucking mirror. You look like a bulldog eating it’s own arse. Now stop crying and pull your pants up ‘.
December 23rd, 2008 at 1:57 am
When Lillie Langtry was the mistress of Charles VII, he once lamented that he had spent enough on her to buy a battleship.
She replied, “and you have spent enough in me to float one.”
December 23rd, 2008 at 12:13 am
want to help someone down on thier luck?
http://www.digitalcharity.com/m.php?id=53454
December 21st, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Foucault believed Derrida engaged in “terrorism of obscurantism,” and once said of Derrida that “He writes so obscurely you can’t tell what he’s saying, that’s the obscurantism part, and then when you criticize him, he can always say, ‘You didn’t understand me; you’re an idiot.’ That’s the terrorism part.”
December 20th, 2008 at 11:52 pm
potato Goblins will rule all :))))))))))))))))))))))))))
December 19th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
Jerk off co-worker with lazy eye: “You don’t have to act like you’re 15 years old all the time”
My response to said co-worker: “If you are going to insult me, at least have enough respect to look at me with both eyes”
PWNED
December 19th, 2008 at 10:31 pm
Insult by mail:Isadora Duncan the dancer wrote to George Bernard Shaw offering to have his children.He replied “But Madam,what if they should have my looks and your brains?”
December 19th, 2008 at 7:29 am
A guy went up to the actor Richard Burton and said ‘we should get along well because we are both celts!’. However, he pronounced celts selts. Burton reposted ‘No! I am a Celt…you are a sunt!’.
December 15th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Del Valle Inclan, a famous spanish writer, was about to enter a gala, but a notoriously gay writer was announced first. Del Valle Inclan shouted: “I won’t enter after a faggot”.
The other writer replied: “I will, please go inside”.
December 15th, 2008 at 11:32 am
I heard a great comeback in a restaurant. A guy and his girlfriend had obviously fallen out, there was a commotion and some raised voices… She gets up calls him a bastard, and heads for the door, anyway as fast as you like he screams “Mind your arse on the step on the way out!” Quality!!
December 14th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Einstein was NOT religious, at all. In his quote “god does not play dice” you could substitute “Nature” for “God.”
Einstein also is famous for declaring that he does not believe in a personal God, and feels that believing in such a God is childish.
December 13th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
What about Voltaire’s last words, or those he traditionally spoke?
Priest: “Do you renounce Satan and all his works?”
Voltaire: “This hardly seems the time to be making enemies.”
December 13th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Esprit d’escalier is “staircase wit” - like “Fridge Logic” on TVtropes - where going down the stairs to leave and you then come up with the perfect comeback, but nobody’s around to hear it by then.
December 11th, 2008 at 1:23 am
Hate to rain on the parade of the frenchophiles, but “l’esprit d’escalier” actually means when someone else says something witty, and you can’t think of anything quick enough, so you push them down the stairs. they then become the staircase ghost.
and what’s the matter, Cracked? afraid your audience wouldn’t recognise the word ‘retort’? would’ve made more sense, considering that several of the things on the list weren’t insulting at all.
December 10th, 2008 at 3:00 am
My personal favourite comeback:
Greg Thomas was bowling to the legendary Viv Richards in a cricket match. After Richards swung and missed a couple of times, Thomas quipped:
“Hey, Viv, it’s red, round, and weighs about six ounces.”
Richards responded by belting Thomas’ next delivery out of the park, and telling him,
“You know what it looks like, man. Now go fetch it.”
December 8th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
What about Achewood? I think Nice Pete could accurately be described as a cold, detached cartoon cat.
December 8th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
These should have been mentioned:
Inscription (Somewhere, I forget where):
“God is dead” ~ Nietzsche, 1882
“Nietzsche is dead” ~ God, 1900
And (paraphrasing) when one of Beethoven’s benifactors, a prince, insulted his music Beethoven replied:
“Who are you? An accident of birth. There are and will be hundreds of princes, but there is only one Beethoven”
Obviously I’m not Beethoven and he put it a lot better then that I can’t remember the exact wording!
What we would have said: “Sorry Prince please don’t fire me”
December 8th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
you’re a witty writer. loved the historical slant of your choices too.
December 8th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
What We Would Have Said….?
this article was gold until i read that part…
it ruined it
December 8th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
Good article. Sucky “What We Would Have Said”. Suckier guest comments; e.g.
# kingpin Says:
December 7th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
my comebacks for bout anything are a punch to the face, man or woman, gay or straight, straight or michael jackson
# deb Says:
December 6th, 2008 at 1:50 am
LMAO. I laughed for about ten minutes at the comeback about introducing my balls to your face. heh.
# Chanux Says:
December 5th, 2008 at 12:24 am
Michael (writer of this): Says everything above
Me: Fuck you
What I should have said: Fuck you, stinkin’ scumbag
*I can really see the little nerd who wrote this sitting in front of his computer thinking “Wow, I’m funny”.
December 8th, 2008 at 2:16 am
garbageacc3:
I want to know God’s thoughts… The rest are details.
-Albert Einstein
December 7th, 2008 at 9:58 pm
Andrew Lloyd Webber: “I can’t understand why everyone seems to take an instant dislike to me.”
Alan Jay Lerner: “Saves time.”
Oscar Wilde: “I wish I’d said that.”
James McNeill Whistler : “You will, Oscar, you will.”
December 7th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
my comebacks for bout anything are a punch to the face, man or woman, gay or straight, straight or michael jackson
December 6th, 2008 at 11:49 am
what about al sharpton vs. jesse jackson Xqp20YQ!k4EA
December 6th, 2008 at 1:50 am
LMAO. I laughed for about ten minutes at the comeback about introducing my balls to your face. heh.
December 5th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
I love Winston Churchill.
December 5th, 2008 at 7:07 am
So Churchill won WW II? Wow! I always thought those Russians had something to do with it, but I guess talking was a lot more important for the victory.
December 5th, 2008 at 3:09 am
Wow good article, shitty “What We Would Have Said” comments, next time drop that shit, it doesnt make you cool
December 5th, 2008 at 12:24 am
Michael (writer of this): Says everything above
Me: Fuck you
What I should have said: Fuck you, stinkin’ scumbag
December 5th, 2008 at 12:04 am
these cracked articles are usually dumb and wrong
but this one was bad
einstein was not religious you dumb fuck
December 4th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
loved loved LOVED this one. maybe even loved the negative (albeit petty) reactions just as much, as they somehow affirm that people can be SO NEGATIVE in the face of GREAT ART. very enjoyable. thx.
December 4th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
A journalist once asked Nico - the female singer of The Velvet Underground who’s solocareer didn’t really go well - the following : “How does it feel to be a has-been?”
Nico instantly replied : “Better a has-been than a never-was like you my dear.”
December 4th, 2008 at 4:00 pm
The first one is the best one. Gave me a chuckle.
http:susanimate.spaces.live.com
December 4th, 2008 at 10:53 am
Notice what WINSTON CHURCHILL is doing with his fingers many stupid liberals say it means PEACE well it was the V for VICTORY YOU STUPID MINDLESS BRAINLESS POT HEADED TREE HUGGING GRANOLA MUNCHING MINDLESS DOOFUSHEADS
December 4th, 2008 at 8:14 am
She is fabulous. Love her dress. I just found her hot photos on a celeb and millionaire dating site ****** W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M ********** It’s said there are lots of models or even hoollywood star on that site. The rumor says Charlie Sheen found his love on that site last May.
December 4th, 2008 at 5:47 am
Bohr’s first name was Niels not Neils. Funny as hell article though.
December 4th, 2008 at 4:28 am
“It’s also worth mentioning that #7 is probably a lie, because the Buddha wasn’t fat. He engaged in such Ghandhi-like self-starvation that he was skinnier than Nicole Richie on coke.”
But then later in life he said fuck all that shit and got fat as a tick. True.
December 4th, 2008 at 3:47 am
You dump him. You deserve anyone beter enough, here is one place for you- W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M==where you can find celebrities and millionaires. Good luck.
December 4th, 2008 at 1:50 am
Your face is the most devastating insult of all time
December 4th, 2008 at 12:17 am
One last thing, The Who are 50,000,000 times better than Led fucking Zeppelin. Just listen to “I Can See For Miles” and try to dispute my claim.
December 4th, 2008 at 12:13 am
The Moon/Page thing’s story is wrong. Originally, Moon, Entwistle, and Page were considering creating a supergroup (this was around 1966, two years before Led Zeppelin formed). Moon eventually dismissed the idea by saying “That idea will go over worse than a lead balloon, like a lead zeppelin.”. In 1968, Page formed Led Zeppelin.
December 3rd, 2008 at 10:05 pm
It’s also worth mentioning that #7 is probably a lie, because the Buddha wasn’t fat. He engaged in such Ghandhi-like self-starvation that he was skinnier than Nicole Richie on coke.
December 3rd, 2008 at 10:02 pm
It’s worth mentioning that the actual exchange went like this:
Lady: Mr. Churchill, you’re drunk!
WC: Madame, you’re ugly. And tomorrow, I shall be sober.
…which is even better because old Winston doesn’t bother to explain himself.
What We Would Have Said.
Lady: Mr. Churchill, you’re drunk!
Winston: Astor, you’re sexy!
December 3rd, 2008 at 8:16 pm
This should have been called the most devastating comebacks of all time. jesus
December 3rd, 2008 at 6:47 pm
I questioned the lack of retorts from Mark Twain in an earlier comment.
After a little web-surfing I found out why. Although he’s probably one of the most quoted people in the history of mankind (probably 3rd- after Jesus and Shakespeare), I couldn’t find any suitable examples of witty comebacks.
I’m guessing it’s because his was so renown for his biting wit that no one had the balls to insult him in the first place.
December 3rd, 2008 at 6:36 pm
@Dead Parrot
“I fart in your general direction!”
Feel better now?
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Fuck the last. One Led Zeppelin can get AIDS and die. Bloated shit band.
Atleast The Who released some real rockers on their first 3 studio albums.
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:50 pm
post script: unless you are in traction, of course.
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:44 pm
What’s up, Michael? I’m kinda bummed. I thought for sure you’d reply to at least one or more of the commenters. I am awestruck, in fact. Hmmph. Gladstone was more hands on. (I’m playing it for all it’s worth)..
I suppose you are holed up creating and can’t be bothered with the people and the silliness spouted your way. I now consider you somewhat, aloof. The aloof Michael Swaim. Indeed.
Respectively yours,
jo
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Erm, I didn’t know who Jimmy Page was before I read this but already had a huge amount of admiration for Keith Moon’s complete and utter insanity, oh and you also have him and his mates to thank for the idea of smashing instruments.
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:49 pm
I googled the Led Zeppelin quote and found the info Wikipedia left off.
“Page had the idea of forming a Supergroup by bringing in members of other bands such as Keith Moon and John Entwistle of The Who… Jimmy Page told these two his idea, he was greeted with ridicule and the declaration, “that will go over like a lead balloon.”… and John Entwistle remarked, “like a lead zeppelin,”"
Every mention tries to get cute with it, but Moon and Entwistle were probably being sober realists. No one is clear on the date of the quote, but we do know that after Page tried to hire Moon and Entwistle the Who’s Management threatened his life. Entwistle was predicting a bloody disaster and it almost happened. Most likely this quote was said before Plant was found and I highly doubt it was said after hearing the first Zep demos. (as stated in some anecdotes)
December 3rd, 2008 at 11:27 am
I’m quite surprised. This article doesn’t have “Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!” in it? It really should. Oh, and watch out for spambots.
December 3rd, 2008 at 8:42 am
Einstein was not religious. He did not believe in a personal God, and its well documented, but for some reason, a common misconception.
December 3rd, 2008 at 8:40 am
Michael Swaimo, blah blah blah. You are wrong. Your stories are improperly researched. Blah blah blah.
December 3rd, 2008 at 8:06 am
You dump him. You deserve anyone beter enough, here is one place for you,———– W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M ==, where you can find celebrities and millionaires. Good luck.
December 3rd, 2008 at 7:36 am
That story in 1 is all wrong. I’ve heard a few accounts about that and none of them sounded anything like the one in this article. I’ve heard a few times that he said that when someone came up with the idea of a super-group involving Keith, John, Page and Jeff Beck was brought up.
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:36 am
I am disappointed by the lack of a “your face” reference in #2. Way to go, Einstein.
December 3rd, 2008 at 12:41 am
The most disgusting cyst exploding ever. Why do I keep watching this shit?
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=152ecd0daac6d655352c
December 3rd, 2008 at 12:10 am
Samuel Johnson vs. James Macpherson
http://andromeda.rutgers.edu/~jlynch/Texts/BLJ/b579.html
BRILLIANT. great article too!
December 2nd, 2008 at 11:12 pm
This is tops. Really well done.
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:34 pm
Winston gets owned…
‘At the Oxford Union one day in 1926, Winston Churchill tapped the portly R.B. Haldane (later Lord Chancellor) and asked in jest what he planned to call the baby. “If it’s a boy, I’ll call him George, after the King,” Haldane replied, “and if it’s a girl I’ll call her Mary. But if, as I strongly suspect, it is only wind, I shall call it Winston.” [Sources: John Parker, Father of the House]‘
http://www.anecdotage.com/index.php?aid=13237
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:10 pm
@momdoyoudouche: Grassytits is pretty funny. No seriously. You should write for Cracked.
December 2nd, 2008 at 8:30 pm
Need to clarify “esprit d’escalier”. Literally “staircase wit”. It means simply that the perfect retort occurred to you only after the meeting, when you were already headed down the stairs… thus the comeback that was never uttered….
December 2nd, 2008 at 8:23 pm
Why is timeforasexyparty posting all over cracked.com that Lisa Simpson got a milfPhone? WTF is a milfPhone, and does Sarah Palin have one?
December 2nd, 2008 at 8:06 pm
Lisa Simpson gets a miPhone…!
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=cd1b75d69c3ab8804198&page=1&viewtype=&category=mr
December 2nd, 2008 at 6:24 pm
Best Churchill comeback, should be on the list:
At a dinner party one night, a drunken Churchill asked an attractive woman whether she would sleep with him for a million pounds. “Maybe,” the woman said coyly. “Would you sleep with me for one pound?” Churchill then asked. “Of course not, what kind of woman do you think I am?” the woman responded indignantly. “Madam, we’ve already established what kind of woman you are,” said Churchill, “now we’re just negotiating the price.”
December 2nd, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Nice. much better than your last one.
December 2nd, 2008 at 5:12 pm
It should be a requirement that you read the previous comments BEFORE you post a comment.
There are something like 40 people defining Esprit d’escalier.
Dozens telling the “real” story behind #1, all of which are different.
Good article. It was funny. But based on the comments, I guess I’m going to have to cross cracked.com off my bibliography for my doctoral thesis. I just can’t trust the facts. Oh well, back to wikipedia.
December 2nd, 2008 at 5:10 pm
You should look in to the Albert Camus vs Jean-Paul Sartre animosity, they took their comebacks to academia
December 2nd, 2008 at 5:00 pm
Siddhartha wasn’t the fat Buddha. The fat Buddha that people recognize is the Chinese Happy Buddha.
However, Siddhartha was pretty bad ass. He once visited a kingdom that was being attacked by a brigand who killed people and wore their fingers. The brigand tried to chase the Buddha, but he couldn’t move from his place. So he ran and ran, but never got any closer. The Buddha basically made the brigand look like an idiot and got him to become a monk, and serve tea to the king he had terrorized.
December 2nd, 2008 at 4:19 pm
BAM!
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:51 pm
“Esprit d’escalier” does not mean “staircase ghost”!!! Wow! “Esprit” means “wit.” I can’t even imagine how “staircase ghost” would mean anything in this context.
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Churchill’s comeback is definitely the best.
“Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly but tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be ugly.”
Well put.
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:37 pm
forget all this bickering about Einstein,
isn’t anyone going to back me up when that Limey said no American president was as manly as Churchill?
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:27 pm
Eva Peron was travelling in a motorcade with a high ranking naval officer when she was abused by the crowd.
‘Hear that? They call me a whore.’ she complained. To which the officer replied, ‘I know how you feel. I haven’t been to sea for ten years, but they still call me an admiral.’
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:22 pm
“Time consuming”? I’m not sure this article took too much effort there grassytits!
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:01 pm
The bees! Oh my god the bees!
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:34 pm
OK, I came late to this one, and I’m not reading all 200 comments. It’s a first, I know. But I just wanted to say I loved this one Swaim. The history and science articles are my favorite, and they’ve got to be the most time consuming to research. I love your work.
Also, Richard Dawkins claims Einstein as an atheist. Since Einstein is dead and can’t settle it for us, I like to assume that he was smart enough and knew enough about the universe to discard childhood beliefs in magical beings.
I also like to assume that you’re in love with me.
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Great comebacks, may i point out however that the churchill quote is wrong, to such an extent that it kind of ruins the comeback, trust me i’m english
What was actually said was:-
Astor- Sir you are drunk.
Churchill:- Madam you are ugly, but i shall be sober in the morning.
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Far be it for me to call you a douche, but you did call Einstein religious.
Douche…Face!
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:10 pm
There’s no doubt in my mind that these comebacks are brilliant and yes, Shipton, the juxtaposition of historical wit and the outclassed “What We Would Have Said” addendum was, for the most part, an anticlimax. However, feel free to add me to the “poop” column because…
“Request another ticket, as I am bringing two friends–my balls. Will introduce them to your face.”
That made me fall out of my chair…
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:01 pm
“L’esprit de l’escalier” isn’t a comeback. It’s when you get owned and you leave and then later you come up with a good comeback like a day later. It’s one of those phrases that you wish they had a word for in English but they don’t.
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:56 am
I’m going to remember these. And nice job with the article, by the way. Man, you’re always busy with one of these. PLUS Those Aren’t Muskets. PLUS your new series… Is there ever a time you just go, “Hey, I think now might be good time to inhale before I suffocate, let me just pencil it in”?
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:37 am
The quality of the article is marred by the juxtaposition of historical wit and the outclassed “What We Would Have Said” addendum. Call it an anticlimax… it’s like those people who think replacing every word in a madlib with “poop” is funny.
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:15 am
[...] use. After all, you never know when you
December 2nd, 2008 at 8:10 am
Yet again Swaim, an awesome article ruined by morons bitching in the comments.
December 2nd, 2008 at 7:19 am
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December 2nd, 2008 at 6:36 am
1.) Amusing article, well done
2.) Lot of nerds in the comments this time. Who the fuck cares whether or not einstein was religious? Hes dead now, so it doesn’t matter one way or the other. To those of you using letters, people can lie when writing. In the end, noone will really know what he believed in except him, and he’s dead.
3.) French language’ll be dead within a few hundred years, so arguing over what the phrase means won’t do any good anyway
4.) If I were american, I’d vote Garfield (the cat) in for a third term
December 2nd, 2008 at 6:29 am
They both suck I’m the best and Danny Carey is second.
December 2nd, 2008 at 5:15 am
All I can say from this is I hope to one day be witty enough to earn a chorus of naked boys, even if only in joke form on some far-off web page.
December 2nd, 2008 at 4:47 am
I beleive it was Lady Astor who called Allied soldier fighting in Italy “D-day dodgers”. Seems she was an all around cunt, not just harassing Churchill.
December 2nd, 2008 at 4:23 am
@ Donal
Einstin was a “deeply religious non believer” get it right.
@ Caegn
Too many people believe that Einstein WAS religious and it’s not a matter of being insecure it’s a matter of trying to stop people misinterpreting the beliefs of a great man to suit their own beliefs. Whether Michael was joking or not is not of any matter because idiots reading this will take it as fact.
Since everybody is nit-picking it’s generally accepted that he was a deist.
December 2nd, 2008 at 4:09 am
I will let you get away with portraying Einstein as a theist only because the rest of your article was so damn funny.
Winston Churchill is the most amusing leader any country has ever had. I’m not including George W on this one because I don’t think being laughed AT rather than WITH should qualify.
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:36 am
Okay, I’m guessing there’s about an 80% chance that people won’t understand my previous post, so here it is explained:
Sometimes, something is funny when you say the truth about it. Sometimes, it’s funny when you say the opposite. So no, Einstein did not invent radiation. Of course he didn’t.
THAT’S THE JOKE!
Come on, people! Rafterman45, OMG1337, Seriously!
And I swear to God, if someone posts that quote from Einstein about not being religious one more time, I’ll punch you. Right in the face. That’s no lie.
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:31 am
Hey! Albert Einstein wasn’t a religious man! Get your facts straight! And he’s more famous for relativity than those posters! Did you even do any research?! And, he didn’t invent radiation, it was already around! And it’s not why his hair was funny! Why, it’s almost as if you were saying things that were untrue about him, because they obviously were, and that was the joke, but we all know that the comedy website Cracked only gives exact facts and never in any way misrepresents them for a laugh! That would totally undermine Cracked’s reputation as an education tool. Because, you know, that kind of thing only belongs on a comedy site.
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:24 am
“Yeehaw, you sumbitchin’ pile o’ monkey nuts!”
(Dr. Evil, from “Austin Powers in Goldmember”)
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:23 am
“I dont mean to be a grammer Nazi, but instead of ACGT it should be ATCG. Just remember Apple Tree Chewing Gum”
No bob42, that would make you a nucleotide base Nazi.
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:12 am
this is the first time i have laughed out loud to a cracked article, so in your collective faces, you haters.
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:50 am
Thank you for the history lession you boring fuck.
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:41 am
So true Ugh
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:37 am
Excellent, excellent article. We all have to deal with the nuisance of people who come on this site and complain that the pieces aren’t funny enough-whiny bastards all- but then this article comes along and it is exactly what I love about this site, and done at such an expert level that it makes the rest of the site seem, as the haters love to say, “Not funny enough.” Smart, informative, and intensely funny. All with the usual metaphor supercolider (”…still drinks and smokes like a fish’s chimney, and still seems to spout off horrendous burns like some kind of reverse fireman…”) that I expect from Cracked. Gold standard.
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:24 am
Albert Einstein wasn’t religious; when he said “God does not play dice” he was talking metaphorically. Here’s a little quote to that effect:
“It was, of course, a lie what you read about my religious convictions, a lie which is being systematically repeated. I do not believe in a personal God and I have never denied this but have expressed it clearly. If something is in me which can be called religious then it is the unbounded admiration for the structure of the world so far as our science can reveal it.” From a letter Einstein wrote in English, dated 24 March 1954.
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:47 am
The Who/Keith Moon > Trash > Pubes > Buttcrack hair crumbs > Led Zeppelin
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:40 am
I wish I could come up with something other than “yeah? well….it takes one to know one. whore.”
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:28 am
I dont mean to be a grammer Nazi, but instead of ACGT it should be ATCG. Just remember Apple Tree Chewing Gum
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:51 am
We need more political figures like Churchill. I seriosuly doubt Obama is witty enough to make a comeback of Churchill proprtions. I’m sure he’s rather witty, but is he witty enough?
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:46 am
budda’s response should have been “I am rubber you are glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.”
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:17 am
That was the first list I’ve never liked.
“Your face!”
Hardy HArrrrrr Argggg.
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:10 am
First of all, Grover Cleveland was the President that served two non-consecutive terms, not James Garfield. Secondly, I think you’ve gotten Frank Crick’s exploits confused with those of Sherlock Holmes, who is a FICTIONAL CHARACTER. Finally, in header of the the same section, the image in the background is not Winston Churchill being torn apart by an insult, it’s Dr. Manhattan from the graphic novel “Watchmen”, which came out DECADES LATER than the incident in question. You guys are really losing your touch. Please fix these things ASAP.
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:07 am
“He also invented radiation, daily exposure to which tragically caused him to always have “static electricity hair.” This obvious physical defect led to his name becoming synonymous with idiocy or buffoonery (i.e., “great job irradiating my turtles, Einstein; they’ve transformed into man-sized ninja monsters”).”
Funniest thing I’ve read all day
If only there was some way unkempt hair could be tied to stupidity (more than it already it which isn’t saying much since all of the “bro’s” decide to grow their hair out until it gets long and curl….wait holy shit Swaim your on to something!)
December 1st, 2008 at 11:41 pm
Great list!
Something that has been around since the big bang (radiation) really can’t be “invented” by someone though, but only discovered.
December 1st, 2008 at 11:39 pm
Also…No Mark Twain? really?
It’s past my bedtime now, so I’ll have to come back tomorrow after I find something from him.
December 1st, 2008 at 11:35 pm
you just read the book viva la repartee
December 1st, 2008 at 11:30 pm
Churchill gets props from Pappi too. One of my favorites is…keep in mind this is at the equivalent of a White House dinner party in England during WWII when he was the PM (the one with the most power and most journalistic coverage(yes, I know most of you know that, but I’m speakin to my high audience)…and here’s an exchange from said souare.
Bressie Bradock: “Sir, you are drunk.”
WC: “Madam, you are ugly; in the morning I shall be sober.” Yes, folks; he INVENTED that joke in a time and setting none of our presidents would have said the same. He’s a fuckin insane limey alchoholic, but he was a quotable.
Word, bitches.
December 1st, 2008 at 11:15 pm
“wanker shop!”
December 1st, 2008 at 11:13 pm
“ah Says: December 1st, 2008 at 10:52 pm
I hope it was intentional I guess but Thornton Wilder wrote The Importance of Being Earnest, not Oscar Wilde”
Umm, sorry. Wrong. Oscar Wilde.
December 1st, 2008 at 11:11 pm
“Francis Crick, along with his loyal manservant Watson, sleuthed the basic helical structure of DNA and single-handedly foiled the evil Professor Moriarty.”
Pure brilliance
December 1st, 2008 at 11:07 pm
What the hell is this shit?
December 1st, 2008 at 11:03 pm
I particularly liked ’stupid pussy faces’ and ’shove a tampon in your mouth.’
Those did it for me..oh.yeah..we’re talking about commenters.
I’m guessing tweeners..
December 1st, 2008 at 10:59 pm
I just LOL’ed for the Oscar Wilde quote. Thanks Cracked!
December 1st, 2008 at 10:52 pm
I hope it was intentional I guess but Thornton Wilder wrote The Importance of Being Earnest, not Oscar Wilde
December 1st, 2008 at 10:48 pm
“When not writing for Cracked, Michael finds it increasingly difficult not to read a Churchill biagraphy as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!”
Er…
biagraphy?
You mean Biography?
December 1st, 2008 at 10:27 pm
I guess nobody else has pointed out that its ATCG.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:23 pm
Mixed Loving gave me the gay.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:23 pm
josh Says:
December 1st, 2008 at 9:48 pm
“this articlue was ridiculously innactrate, namely number one”
jesus christ you dipshit, this is cracked.com not wikipedia. swaim is trying to be funny.
I bet you are one of those guys who say, that can’t be a funny joke because ducks can’t actually talk.”
God damn, shove a tampon in your mouth
December 1st, 2008 at 10:23 pm
I’m not educated enough to use these insults and comebacks. I’ll just stick to the F word and stuff about sisters and moms.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:06 pm
Damn, Winston Churchill fucking ruled.
December 1st, 2008 at 10:02 pm
Albert Einstien was not a “religious man”. He frequently articulated his disbelief in and disdain for same. Go Albert
December 1st, 2008 at 10:01 pm
Oscar Wilde may have been a fag, but he was one of the most quotable people of the 20th century.
“A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction.”
Nigga please; he was a genius.
December 1st, 2008 at 9:48 pm
this articlue was ridiculously innactrate, namely number one- this conversation didnt happen while partying one night, it happened in the back seat of a limo between moon and entwhistle while they were talking about breaking away from the who to form their own group. Terrible that you mislead people and pass this off as the truth. You guys need a lesson in rock history, especially considering that moon actually did party harder than page, clearly evidenced by the fact he overdosed on drugs and page didnt. fuck you cracked, you guys are sliding hard. this sit eis a shadow of what it used to be.
December 1st, 2008 at 9:40 pm
I just noticed that the “Random Asshole” featured in your delightful Buddha anecdote was Mark McGrath. And then I giggled myself even more retarded.
You are a golden god, Swaims Dean.
December 1st, 2008 at 9:37 pm
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December 1st, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Yes! It’s much more funny when you get things wrong because you don’t care. Keep up the good work.
And for all you nitpickers, facts are for your stupid pussy faces!
December 1st, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Garfield is actually a fictional cat.
http://www.garfield.com/
December 1st, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Alas! Young Conner..I do believe you hit the nail squarely on the head..
December 1st, 2008 at 9:13 pm
Yes - the Watchmen pic should be on #2 really…
Out nerded! Feel the burn!!!!!!!!!!
December 1st, 2008 at 9:10 pm
@Mr. Manning
Ladies first.
December 1st, 2008 at 9:04 pm
I think people are talking trash about this article so Swaim would give them a comeback, because I honestly don’t understand what’s so bad about it…
December 1st, 2008 at 9:03 pm
I rest my case.
December 1st, 2008 at 9:00 pm
Esprit d’escalier isn’t a comeback. It’s the sensation of being burned at a social event of some kind, leaving, and thinking of the perfect come-back as you leave, especially when you think of the come-back while descending the stairs. So really, any of your examples, if actually said in direct retort don’t qualify as esprit d’escalier. Which kind of makes it seem like you don’t really know what you’re talking about and just dropped that to sound…interesting. Seriously, an episode of Seinfeld was dedicated to this. Pull your head out of your ass.
December 1st, 2008 at 8:41 pm
What the hell is the Watchmen pic on #4 for?
December 1st, 2008 at 8:29 pm
However, Einstein - not really religious in the normal sense. Not a theist anyway:
“The word god is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable, but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish. No interpretation no matter how subtle can (for me) change this.”
- Jan 3, 1954, letter to philosopher Eric Gutkind.
Einstein said “God does not play dice” when referring to the randomness of quantum theory.
Apart from that, nice zingage
December 1st, 2008 at 8:25 pm
Awesome job, Swaim. Churchill’s a playa.
December 1st, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Einstein didnt invent radiation, Marie Curie discovered it (how the eff do you invent radiation)?
December 1st, 2008 at 8:01 pm
Garfield didn’t serve two non-consecutive terms! It was Lincoln and Zombie Lincoln.
December 1st, 2008 at 7:56 pm
This could be the funniest damn thing I’ve ever read.
December 1st, 2008 at 7:56 pm
Frick, Swaim. After reading the dribble, I’m thinking you may need some friends. Ick. Everyone has an opinion. Free speech and all..
But, really? Not to mention everyone is an authority on history? Do they get it’s supposed to be comedic? And with such passion!
I didn’t think spelling errors would captivate an audience..to this day I have no idea..
I read the article too. I laughed. A bunch. Couple times out loud. It was no HBN, mind you, but still funny. Never, not once, did I edit.
December 1st, 2008 at 7:55 pm
I laughed at a couple.
December 1st, 2008 at 7:53 pm
The number 1 insult is inaccurate. John Entwistle (bassist for the who) said a supergroup with him, Keith and Jimmy page would go over like a “lead balloon.” To which Keith replied: “like a lead zeppelin!” Get your facts right cracked, for god’s sake.
December 1st, 2008 at 7:41 pm
No Norman Mailer’s “thank you, obedient bitches”?
What the fuck? It was such a great moment in righteous misogyny (I mean, seriously, fuck those bitches).
December 1st, 2008 at 7:40 pm
That shit was stupid~ SWAIM~ JUMP IN A LAKE.
December 1st, 2008 at 7:39 pm
Awesome article. The British must be naturals at word battles.
December 1st, 2008 at 7:37 pm
hmm… that was pretty bad… whoever the writer is, they need to stop writing, or at least stop including jokes that 10 year olds find too immature.
December 1st, 2008 at 7:29 pm
This may just be the worst article ever conceived. Congrats.
December 1st, 2008 at 7:25 pm
Luckily I read the comments so I know that esprit d’escalier doesn’t actually mean ghost staircase. I might have been in the dark on that one.
December 1st, 2008 at 7:23 pm
Hey, Einstein. You got your vowels all mixed up. It’s N-I-E-L-S Bohr.
Nitpicking aside, great article.
December 1st, 2008 at 7:19 pm
I’m going to go ahead and assume it hasn’t been pointed out yet: Esprit d’escalier means “thinking of a comeback far, far too late.” The story of it is you’ve just thought of a brilliant line that would have been perfect, as you walk down the stairs and out of the house.
December 1st, 2008 at 7:12 pm
Moon actually said “Like a lead balloon”
Zing! In your face.
December 1st, 2008 at 7:06 pm
I eat peanut butter and banana sandwiches because your face.
December 1st, 2008 at 6:56 pm
Cricketers always talk shit to each other to psyche out the other team. Here’s a zinger:
Glen McGrath - “Hey Eddo, why are you so fucking fat?”
Eddo Brandes - “Because every time I fuck your mother, she gives me a biscuit.”
December 1st, 2008 at 6:55 pm
[...] 6) Lá vem os quadrinhos do Jornada nas Estrelas… 7) Jake Gylenhaal é o Prince of Persia
As dez melhores respostas pra calar a boca de metidos a engraçadinhos da história 9) Ricky Gervais, gênio do stand up 10) O próximo filme de Michael Moore vai mirar na economia [...]
December 1st, 2008 at 6:55 pm
In item #3, the wrong Lewis Morris is depicted. The photo depicts, not the Welsh poet Sir Lewis Morris who was a contemporary of Oscar Wilde, but the American Lewis Morris who signed the Declaration of Independence, and who died 56 years before Oscar Wilde was born.
December 1st, 2008 at 6:52 pm
“Biography” is spelled wrong. Just to let you know…
December 1st, 2008 at 6:47 pm
I’d say that Moon is far more famous for the rockin’ lifestyle than Page, to the point that it overshadows his musical talent. More people know the old tale about the car and the pool than can relate an anecdote about Page’s lifestyle offstage. Also, way to make the Who seem like an obscure little band.
Not a bad article otherwise, though.
December 1st, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Nice one! Churchill rules haha
PS: “esprit d’escalier”= staircase wit ; no ghost involved there.
December 1st, 2008 at 6:42 pm
Michael..no doubt you are uniquely talented. Wow. I’m somewhat going through withdrawals, however..I’m listening to Geldorf “I Don’t Like Mondays’..like..all day. HBN..
On a brighter note..it appears given your slightly off-base comedy style..we won’t lose you any time soon. I’m reluctant (and G-Stone will undoubtedly warn) to affix any affection anytime soon. Lucky you. Lucky you.
December 1st, 2008 at 6:33 pm
I would argue that that following phrase would be the most devastating insult would be: I hope that your children would get bonemarrow cancer. That’ll shut anyone up.
December 1st, 2008 at 6:32 pm
yeah Swaim you da bomb.
Wilde had loads more zingers - even than Churchill.
Nice breadth on this one.
December 1st, 2008 at 6:19 pm
Fantastic article
December 1st, 2008 at 6:18 pm
non-consecutive terms I meant.
December 1st, 2008 at 6:16 pm
“I couldn’t finish the article after seeing the graphic in number 5. Garfield didn’t serve two non-consecutive terms. He was killed in office, actually. Grover Cleveland served two non-consecutive terms.”
“Fail on the pic of the dude in the Garfield suit and the non-consecutive terms caption… Grover Cleveland served two non-consecutive terms, not Garfield.”
“It wasn’t Coolidge who served two non-consecutive terms — it was Grover Cleveland. He was 22nd and 24th President.”
“I’m pretty sure Garfield wasn’t the president to serve two non-consecutive terms. That was Grover Cleveland.”
I started to say something about this too, but then I realized I was looking at a picture of a dude in a Garfield Halloween suit and not James Garfield and it really didn’t say two consecutive terms of what.
December 1st, 2008 at 6:01 pm
Wagrid Says:
That’s like punching our mothers in the face you cock! Don’t undervalue Churchill, he was clearly more baddass than all your presidents put together. That said, great article as usual Swaim!
you’ve obviously never heard of Theodore Roosevelt
or George Washington
or Andrew Jackson
December 1st, 2008 at 5:48 pm
Einstein wasn’t religious. and it’s a rumour that needs to be ended!
December 1st, 2008 at 5:46 pm
To settle the Einstein debate I see heating up here:
Having just written a 27 page thesis on Hebrew Cosmology and Modern Science, a fair bit of which was devoted to biographical research of Einstein, I can say with confidence that he certainly believed in the possibility of a supreme being (perhaps even believing in that supreme being as the propagator of the Big Bang), but he was not at all religious in the institutional/dogmatic sense.
-R
December 1st, 2008 at 5:41 pm
Tres bon! I’ll have to say that I think His Majesty the Queen Oscar Wilde had some better insults than that. He could be a real bitch when it was needed. And not needed.
Oscar Wilde. Pioneering the verbal bitchslap since 1854.
December 1st, 2008 at 5:38 pm
“Your face” is a classic. IMO I think its the best come back of all time. Its so retarded. The only way to retort is.. YOUR FACE.
December 1st, 2008 at 5:34 pm
@ That Jeff- Other way around. Joan Crawford died, and Bette Davis saw that it was good. Actually, the Bette Davis/Joan Crawford catfights deserve a mention…
“Why am I so good at playing bitches? I think it’s because I’m not a bitch. Maybe that’s why Joan Crawford always plays ladies.”
December 1st, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Churchill is now my hero
December 1st, 2008 at 5:03 pm
Yeah, I heard Cal said “Fuck you” too. So…that’s the story i’m gonna pass on to people
December 1st, 2008 at 4:57 pm
Esprit d’escalier is not a comeback, it’s thinking of what you could have said as a comeback once is too late…
Besides, esprit can be translated as “mind”, too, so the expression means “your mind coming back to you once you’re in the staircase, so, too late”.
So, staircase ghost? Get your facts straight before using another language. Wikipedia is there for that.
December 1st, 2008 at 4:57 pm
That Jeff says: “How did it go again? Bette Davis dies, and the news wants a quote from Joan Crawford; “I’ve been told you should never speak of the dead unless it’s something good. Bette Davis is dead. Good.”
Davis died 12 years after Crawford.
December 1st, 2008 at 4:57 pm
This one is not famous, and not a direct insult, but hilarious nonetheless:
John McKay was the coach of the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers, their first year in the league as expansion team, and they had a 0-14 record. He was asked after a game what he thought of his teams execution and he said “I’m in favor of it.”
December 1st, 2008 at 4:48 pm
I’m pretty sure the devoutly religious Einstein thing was a joke…
What’s with atheists anyway? Talk about insecure… If cracked had (and I wouldn’t be surprised if they already have multiple times) made a joke about how Jesus had been seen making devil signs while headbanging, people would laugh about it. Religious and non religious alike. One little joke about a secular hero, and suddenly, “oh, it’s on!!!”
WTF?
Tell you what, evolve some thicker skin.
Personally I subscribe to the “none of the above theory” that states that it’s just silly and arrogant to think that the true answers HAVE to be things we’ve already thought of.
December 1st, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Coolidge (d. 1933) couldn’t have appeared from beyond the grave to thumbs-up Wilde (d. 1900), though he could have put his thumbs up Wilde (many did) in their actual lifetimes. Dot Parker quote: “If all the girl