Write down the first random, awful thing that pops in your head. Congratulations, you have just described an actual crime somebody has attempted at some point in history. Thankfully, the more bizarre crimes are usually the product of a single mind, disturbed or driven in a very, very specific way. It only really gets strange when a whole mob of criminals joins in and starts trafficking solely in bubble gum or firing sharks from a cannon. Then we leave reality and venture into Batman country. Though, sometimes, strange crime waves do happen in real life ...
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This charming fellow is Patrick Costanzo of Minnesota, who stole $25,000 worth of Tide products from the local Walmart via several daring shoplifting quests over the course of several months:
Dakota County Sheriff's Office
But couldn't be assed to take a new pair of reading glasses.
Isolated weirdo? With those glasses? No! Clear across the country, we have the ladies of the Star Nails salon in Capitol Heights, Maryland. Busted in a raid in 2012, the employees of the salon were found to be trafficking in stolen Tide and selling it to their home country of Vietnam (after watering it down to increase profit, of course).
That's just the tip of the breezy-scented iceberg. Tide theft is rampant and widespread and shows no immediate sign of letting up anytime soon. Sometimes, even the physical presence of the police isn't enough to deter persistent Tide thieves. While en route to investigate a store's complaint of Tide disappearances, a police officer ran into a man piling 100 stolen bottles into his hatchback in the parking lot like the rapture was coming and he was literally going to wash away his sins. Later, as the same officer took part in an interview in front of another store to address the Tide problem, another thief took advantage of the situation to make off with 20 bottles.
Via The Blaze
The officer then vowed to "clean up this town" to barely suppressed laughter.
There are so many questions. Why detergent at all? Theft is theft. If you absolutely have to steal huge amounts of liquid from a store, you're telling us fine booze has less of a market? And why Tide, specifically? Why not Gain, Surf, or the clearly superior Snuggle? Is it all down to brand value? Is Tide simply the most recognizable detergent -- the Nike of skid-mark removal?
We're not sure. We just know that Tide mania is so high in the criminal community that the laundry detergent is often considered an outright substitute for cash. As stolen bottles of this "liquid gold" are virtually untraceable, they're frequently used in place of hard currency in drug transactions. Some dealers even insist on it in lieu of actual money. Think we're making that up? A real drug dealer allegedly was caught saying, "I'm out of marijuana right now, but when I get re-upped, I'll hook you up if you can get me 15 bottles of Tide."
North College Hill Police
At least it'll keep your prison oranges bright.
4Hair-Stealing Piranha Gangs
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Venezuela is notorious for its obsession with beauty. So you can imagine that its salons are pretty busy. So busy that they occasionally have difficulty getting ahold of things like hair extensions.
Which is why hair-stealing gangs are now a thing.
"Rob, rinse, repeat."
It's not a little problem, either. The gangs, called Piranhas, have run so rampant that the president of Venezuela officially called for action against them back in 2013. Yes, groups of hard men and women actually stalk Venezuelan cities, wielding scissors and targeting ladies with luxurious locks. It's like if John Carpenter directed a shampoo commercial. When the Piranhas strike, the victim's hair is forcibly cut, sometimes at gunpoint, and sold to a shady salon for hair-extension material. Just fell off a truck and all that. A hair truck. Those exist, right?
"Breaker 1-9, Bubba Rapunzel looking for some loose freight in the road, come back."
As far as crimes go, this may seem fairly harmless in the grand scheme of things (after all, hair-cutting is pretty tame compared to, foreshadowing alert, stealing somebody's goddamn arm), but it is worth mentioning that there appears to be a lot of these gangs, and being the victim of a crime is never a laughing matter. Even if the crime in question is "assault with a haircut."