We taken it upon ourselves become the Batman of news -- hiding in the shadows, cleaning up the Internet one hyperbolic story at a time, all while wearing our undies on the outside.
The following people are not most people, but their comparisons were so moronically odious that they make a strong case for revoking all of humanity's poetic license.
Hey, the Academy Awards are tonight and we're bringing you the unofficial list of Oscars the Academy doles out year after year ... without even realizing it.
We are able to successfully fact check these stories that slipped past major news outlets thanks to our crack team of reporters (that is, one guy spending five minutes on Google).
Wu-Tang would be proud: Several elementary schools around the country are doing their very best to teach children that there is only one thing that matters in their little kid lives.
It appears that our next batch of technological breakthroughs will fall squarely into the category of 'cool things I saw a Saturday morning cartoon villain use.'
These stories are all so bizarre that even the Gillian Andersonest of Gillian Andersons would have a tough time denying the involvement of interstellar poltergeists.
The Internet is a tool that allows us limitless access to information -- most of which is apparently created by bored assholes committed to making our species stupider.
Winter is that magical time of the year when our planet harnesses everything from falling ice knives to the very air itself in a crazy-eyed attempt to murder every last one of us.
