5 Wearable Tech Items Designed for Assholes
2013 was the year when everyone decided that having an entire computer in our pocket just wasn't convenient enough. Thanks to crowdfunding sites (and thousands of late-night Internet denizens with poor impulse control), you'll soon be able to supplement your wardrobe and/or annoy the shit out of anyone in a 5-foot radius with the following inventions.
Neurocam Lets Everyone See How Much You Hate Them
Welcome to the wonderful world of tomorrow! The future is finally here, and it looks like a woman with an iPhone awkwardly strapped to her head:
"Move over, Bluetooth set. There's a new douche in town!"
But this isn't just a dashing fashion accessory -- working with a brain-wave sensor and a special algorithm, this "Neurocam" triggers a camera to record the moments of your day that you have subconsciously deemed "interesting," rating them from 1 to 100. For instance, this empty street only gets a 33 from this woman:
"Bullshit, I'm 56 at least. I got asphalt for days."
But this dog's butt? Hot damn, that's a 69! Record!
Dear God, please be the only 69 involved in this.
Oh, and as you might have noticed, everyone can see not only what you're recording, but even the exact numeric value your brain assigns to their boring faces. But don't worry, if a so-called "friend" rates you with a 5 and a half-eaten pretzel with a 47, you can get back at them by wearing the next invention ...
A Chargeable Lantern Hat for Blinding Your Friends
The good news: You can finally plug your hat into a computer, thanks to the new Power Gear USB-ready baseball cap.
The bad news: Anyone who looks at you when you're wearing this thing will probably get a crippling migraine, because it's also a potent flashlight.
And somehow it's still less annoying than a fedora.
Yes, this fully funded Indiegogo project promises not only a figurative ray of light for anyone wishing to charge their phone with a cable coming from their head, but also a literal ray of light firing straight out of the brim like you're a suburban miner. For extra fun, there's an optional infrared light that makes you look like some sort of demon whenever someone takes a picture of you.
"Fuck your wedding photos, Aunt Claire!"
Now, if only there was some way to blast terrible music from your hat as well ...
inCync Lets You Blast Terrible Music from Your Hat
The annoying world of Bluetooth headsets has effectively created an entire genre of agape douchebags that clomp down the street having high-volume conversations with themselves. inCync plans to end all that ... by letting us hear the other side of the conversation.
It's in scare quotes because there's no way that anyone who buys this has friends to talk to.
But along with phone calls, their successful Kickstarter goes on to point out that the wearable but "powerful amplifier" speaker is also great for music, audiobooks, and podcasts. No longer will you have to go another second of not sharing the latest Daniel Tosh stand-up special or Lil Wayne album with the entire subway car. And if you're still interested in continuing your progressive transformation into the most ridiculous cyborg ever, here's the next step ...
The Atheer One Will Make You Look Like a Schizophrenic Doc Brown
The only reason Doc Brown's silver visor from Back to the Future Part II didn't look completely stupid was that everyone in 1980's 2015 was on the same kitschy page -- it looked relatively normal between those plastic ties and lenticular hats. Alas, that movie's projections about our present were almost completely off.
"One dignity, please."
Everyone gawk at the Atheer One -- an upcoming take on Google Glass technology that links your Android phone to a projected interactive image nearly 2 feet from your face. All you have to do is wave at the air in front of you ...
"To access Facebook, please do a jerk-off motion."
... all while talking to yourself with your head wrapped in a device that would make Geordi La Forge want to give you a swirlie. And if you ... OK, there's no possible way to segue into the next one, so we'll just jump straight to it.
DrumPants: Pants That Are Also Drums
Boys and girls, sit back and revel in the total amalgamation of every mouth-breathing movie theater patron, bus whistler, and impossibly loud restaurant talker that ever was -- we have officially reached the event horizon of strangers you want to punch in the face.
"Here's $74,236." -the Internet
Those are DrumPants, as in wearable sensors that produce drum sounds when you touch them. This fully funded Kickstarter started as a practical joke, meaning that at some point someone went from "You know what would be annoying?" to "You know what should become a real thing?" The entire pitch is hinged on the freedom you get from being able to bring your noise pants on public buses, into bars, and anywhere else you'd like people to bask in your percussive majesty.
Doing this in public will ensure that you have plenty of time to work on your solos later.
The plus side of drum pants? For everyone else around you, your inevitable beating will provide the sweetest soundtrack imaginable.
Always on the go but can't get enough of Cracked? We have an Android app and iOS reader for you to pick from so you never miss another article.