The News, Improved: 15 Headlines We Fixed

We take the headlines of the week, and absolutely SKEWER them in a manner that will make you gently exhale air out of your nostrils in a humorous, appreciative way.


GM's Cruise to operate all-electric driverless cars in Dubai today NEW YORK (AP) -Dubai said Monday that U.S iving company Cruise will become the first to operate autonomous Dubai is the first city to be lost to the cars. They respect no gods, no masters. VODI Dubai said Monday that

Source: AP


Hackers, glitches mar France's mass return to online school By ANGELA CHARLTON April 7, 2021 French kids who hate school unplug parent's routers, tell them it was hackers By ANGELA CHARLTON April 7, 2021 CRACKED.G COM

Source: AP


SEGMENTED SLEEP Sleep is Great. But Are Eight Straight Hours Necessary? Would it be possible to be a successful member of society today and sleep in a biphasic fashion? One way to find out: try it for myself. Fourteen is the lowest I'll go. CRACKED GOM

Source: LX


Bouquet-bearing public honors Philip, ignoring COVID warning By DANICA KIRKA April 10. 2021 CRACKED.COM And I'm coming with you!

Source: AP


American, Russians dock at International Space Station By VLADIMIR ISACHENKOV April 9, 2021 International Space Station Suddenly Filled With Sexual Tension By VLADIMIR ISACHENKOV April 9. 2021 CRACKED.COM

Source: AP


Water-worried Vegas wants useless grass a thing of the past By SAM METZ and KEN RITTER today Vegas removing only soft place to pass out By SAM METZ and KEN RITTER today CRACKED.CO

Source: AP


Intelligencer NEW YORK L UPDATED MAR. 31, 2021 Recreational Marijuana Is Now Legal in New York By Matt Stieb, Chas Danner, and Margaret Hartmann I Intelligencer NEW YORK I UPDATED MAR. 31, 2021 Unemployment Soars Among Dudes On Bikes With Big Backpacks By Matt Stieb. Chas Danner, and Margaret

Source: NY Mag


Lawmakers call YouTube Kids a 'wasteland of vapid' content By BARBARA ORTUTAY April 6, 2021 .VAPIDCONTENT?? UNBELIEVABLE NEW REPORT.. Is IT TRUE??? WASTELAND???? CRACKED.e COM

Source: AP


How to talk to believers of COVID-19 conspiracy theories April 6, 2021 NY AACXHI NO Boo MY MaNDat HUMAN CRACKED.COM

Source: AP


TECH AMAZON FEATURED STORIES Amazon denies stories of workers peeing in bottles, receives a flood of evidence in return There's widespread evidence, no matter what Amazon claims By James Vincent Mar 25. 2021, 1:32pm EDT f SHARE TECH AMAZON FEATURED STORIES Jeff Bezos discovers he has not been drinking small

Source: The Verge


Boy Scouts lawyers eye new bankruptcy reorganization plan By RANDALL CHASE 32 minutes ago DOVER, Del. (AP) - Attorneys for the Boy S Am told a Delaware bankruptcy judge Monday that they plan Boy Scouts admit cookies an easier sell than being in a tent with an old man. By RANDALL

Source: Yahoo


Virus knocks 80% off Atlantic City casino profits in 2020 By WAYNE PARRY April 9, 2021 Atlantic City casinos on verge of huge profits, they can just feel it By WAYNE PARRY April 9, 2021 CE CE CRACKED COM

Source: AP


Opinion You Can Be Different Person a After the Pandemic Our personalities are not set in stone. They are more like sand dunes. ITCH No way. Why should I change? He's the one who sucks. CRACKED.GOM

Source: NYT


Coney Island attractions reopen after losing year to virus April 9, 2021 THISSOUNDSLIKE BAD NEWS. WELL YOUD THINK so, BUT ALL OF YOUR DISEASES ARE IN PERFECT BALANCE. CRAGKEDCOM

Source: AP


MARS The solarpowered dronehos counter Hotating blodes spinaing about 2 400rpm It is equipped wil commputers navigotion sensors tvo Antenno commero The helicopter con fly for to 2020 90 seond o distonces of almost 9Rof /300m ond then redharge is peedad. Solor panels Carbon fiber blodes PERSEVERANCE Mars helicopter - Ingenuity The frst powered

Source: Tony Bela