Cracked Archive - Sex


Happy Post-Thanksgiving! Why I'm Sleeping Naked In Your Fireplace

Why is anyone naked, you know? Aren't we all, on some level, always naked, and also never naked? But on a more hometown level, I'm naked because I used my clothes to put out a fire someone started in your linen closet.


5 Reasons Women Are As Shallow As Men (According to Science)

Thanks to romantic comedies and crappy comedians, we know that men are crude, shallow boors that only care about sex, and women are weepy sensitive hippies that only care about poetry and what's on the inside.


How to Really Solve The Problem of Teen Pregnancy [COMIC]

It's much simpler than you think.


How to Refer to Someone's Life-Partner [COMIC]

There really is no non-awkard word for that.



Snuggie Sutra: 10 Ways to Use Sleeves on a Blanket [CHART]

If you can suddenly reinvent keeping warm while getting cozy with a great novel, there's no reason you can't reinvent keeping warm while getting cozy with a great lover.


The 6 Most Insane Sex Lives in the Animal Kingdom

No matter how nasty you like to get in your leather-studded Bone Chamber, there are multiple species of the animal kingdom who still put you to shame.


Cooking for Your Doomed Relationship

Just because some of these demographics aren't as loud as the majority of the cookbook-buying community doesn't mean that their needs should be ignored, right? This is why I'm proud to present my new cookbook.


The 6 (Wrong) Questions Men Love to Ask About Women

A lot of times people honestly ask the wrong question without knowing it. Here are some I see guys continually asking about women, along with the question they should be asking if they actually want an answer.


The 6 Most Baffling Search Queries About Relationships

Despite old adages, love is not permanent. It is an amorphous blob of passion that transforms endlessly, appearing one minute as a flickering light of purpose toward which you struggle, and the next as a quiet hatred sitting in the passenger seat of your car, shaking its head because you forgot to shave.


9 Ways to Get Rid of Bed Bugs

These tiny little blood-suckers which lurk in mattresses and bedding have been spotted in massive numbers in recent years, and if you aren't waking up every morning covered in swollen little bite marks, then frankly, you aren't shit.


How to Talk to Women (According to the Internet)

I don't want to toot my own massive genitals or anything, but I'm somewhere between an expert and a space doctor when it comes to Talking at Women.


4 Lessons Learned Infiltrating a Homeless Community

So, in one of his typical attempts to get me out of the office disguised as an article request,'s Editor-in-Chief sent me out into the world on assignment to learn from the homeless.


Bad Acid and Weird Boobs: Why Burning Man Isn't Worth It

Burning Man is a weeklong event dedicated to self-expression, community reliance and sexual contact under the guise of spirituality. I know this because I went last year for the first and last time.