Stop making the world a worse place.
Where do your teeth go after they've been pulled out of your screaming skull by a sadist with a light on his forehead?
Even though the basic product is still the same (roof, prostitutes, wet-naps, shame), there's apparently still room for some forward-thinking innovation.
The world makes about as much sense as the plot of your average late-night Cinemax porno, one watched with the sound off so your Mom doesn't hear.
I wouldn't blame you if you have a hard time looking at Pixy Stix again after seeing the effects of these drugs.
Watching the news is a lot like watching the new season of 'True Detective,' only with even more angst and ridiculous mustaches.
Judging by the news, the world is kind of like Jurassic Park, only if the dinosaurs were in charge of security.
Fireworks are stupid, but there are certain occasions when watching them cane be incredibly fun. That, of course, is when they malfunction.
We learned that, if we're not the father of ISIS, the United States is at least some sort of uncle.
Our social media feeds are constantly bombarded with incredible images ... that are also 100 percent cow-pie.
No reasonable person can be expected to keep up with every important headline while maintaining their sanity. So we're here to help.