C'mon, Mother Nature, A Little Help Over Here

Dear Mother Nature,

This coronavirus thing has really gotten out of hand. What gives? Like, I get that you might want to teach humanity a lesson. We haven't been treating you so well lately, what with all the pollution, deforestation, and the last couple of Shark Weeks kind of being kind of trash, but there's one thing you did with coronavirus that feels a little cruel, even to us. Why'd you have to go and make it so damn small?

I mean seriously, how am I even supposed to punch this thing. I can't. I know I can't because I tried, and now blood comes out of my nose when I sneeze. It's unfair. If you just made it bigger, then we'd know what we're dealing with. If a coronavirus were as big as my Ford Fiesta then I could just shoot it with a gun, kind of like that time I shot my Ford Fiesta with a gun because I thought it was a big rampaging virus. I stopped it right in its tracks, and I'd do it again without thinking twice.

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You wanna get cute with it? Fine, make the virus huge. Make Coronavirus as big as the alien ships in Independence Day. We'll have Will Smith and Randy Quaid blow them to hell just like we did in the movie. You wanna get really cute with it? Give them guns. We'll still smoke their asses because we're America, dammit. Coronavirus thinks it's tough now, but I guarantee it will drop a big steaming load of RNA the moment it sees a UH-60 Blackhawk helicopter drop in.

But the problem it's so small that no one is taking it seriously. We wouldn't have these big dumbass protests if viruses were shitting in people's lawns and rolling around in their flowerbeds. People would say, "Oh shit, it's a virus the size of a discount trampoline! I better go wash my hands, or light this bitch up with a flamethrower." And they would because people are responsible when you give them the chance.

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So come on, just cut us a break on this one. You don't have to give us a cure. I'm not trying to be greedy. Just make the virus a little bigger, or hell, even just give it a smell (but not a smell like my Ford because then I might get confused again), and I swear we'll take better care of the Earth. We'll protect the rainforest. We'll start recycling more. I'll even stop sneaking over the fence and pooping in my neighbor's hot tub. We'll treat you right, Momma E, but first, you gotta make those suckers bigger so I can punch them right in their stupid lipid layers.

Dan is on Twitter @realdanduddy, and he also hosts The Bachelor Zone Podcast, where you can hear him give a sports-style breakdown of all things happening on The Bachelor.

Top Image: U.S. Department Of State

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