Kim Jong-un Is Definitely Not Dead, So ... Who Will Take Over?

Kim Jong-un is fine. Stop asking. The glorious leader of North Korea, the meth-iest place on earth, hasn't been seen since April 11th, with foreign intelligence reports claiming he's in fatal danger from a surgery. But the ever-reliable North Korean state media has kept assuring citizens that Kim Jong-un is definitely not dead, he's just taking a brief break at his family's beachfront property -- which totally explains why he's sporting sunglasses everywhere and is constantly being shouldered by two dudes in Hawaiian shirts.

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While the U.S. and Japanese intelligence first feared otherwise, South Korea is now confirming that Kim Jong-Un is indeed still alive and recovering from a cardiovascular procedure necessitated by his "excessive smoking, obesity, and overwork." Yet, with another reminder of his terrible health, and the fact that his children are still too young to Joffrey up the country, the conversation continues about who will take over when Kim Jong-un goes on one final cheese binge during a nuclear missile test and heads to that great North Korea in the sky.

I.e., hell.Kremlin.ru/Wiki CommonsI.e., hell.

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The clear frontrunner is, surprisingly, his 30-something sister Kim Yo-jong. She was her dictatorial dad's favorite and is rumored to be the real brains behind the Kim outfit. Over the past few years, as a key member of the country's propaganda department, she has shrewdly positioned herself as Jong-un's right-hand woman and behind-the-scenes fixer. And while it's not certain that the deeply patriarchal state of North Korea could accept a female leader, where she is being met with open arms is on social media. Her idol looks and anime demeanor have Twitter stans hailing this ruthless propagandist complicit in mass murder as North Korea's first fierce #girlboss.

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Despite having a vagina, Yo-jong does still have a good shot by virtue that the male Kim talent pool is getting mighty shallow. There was Kim Jong-nam, Kim Jong-un's older brother, main rival, and secret CIA snitch, but he had to drop out of the dictatorial race when he "accidentally" got nerve agent all over his face at a Malaysian Airport in 2017. Then there's Jong-un's uncle and Kim Jong-il's half-brother Kim Pyong-il, a political exile who recently returned home but who has spent so much time being a globetrotting ambassador he's likely enjoyed too many Ferrero Rochers and frappuccinos to be trusted by the North Korean hardline jingoists.

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Then there's the last remaining, oft-forgotten Kim brother, Kim Jong-chul. But he's the black sheep of the family. The screw-up. The Jim Belushi to Jong-un's ... also Jim Belushi. Why? Because Kim Jong-il considered his son too "girlish" to wield power because he spends all his time sneaking out to Clapton concerts and becoming an accomplished guitar player. But since he remains the most direct adult male heir to the throne, we could very well soon see a political struggle where North Korea has to decide between being ruled by the K-Pop Tyrant or the Yacht Rock Tyrant.

For more weird tangents and dictator rankings, do follow Cedric on Twitter.

Top Image: Victoria Borodinova/Pixabay

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