Cracked Archive - News
Sadly, the thoughtlessly simple version of polling we carry around in our brains is not how it truly works.
- By E. Reid Ross
The news often reads like the third movie in a superhero franchise -- the one that always has way too many villains and subplots.
Sixty years is a long time for North and South Korea to think up less deadly but far more insane ways to screw with one another.
- By Mark Oliver
The news is a crusade to see if we can still be shocked despite having the same ridiculous insanity happen every other day.
The news can seem like one long advertisement for never going outside.
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The news media is the crying baby seated next to you on the 12-hour plane ride of life.
Excessive exposure to news media can burn out the circuits in your brain that allow you to give a shit.
The news media is primarily a delivery system for anxiety and impotent rage.
The news can sound like a bar full of drunk strangers all loudly trying to tell you about the worst thing that ever happened to them.
The news reads like an encyclopedia of worst-case scenarios.
Whether you have a 'live and let live' approach or you're convinced that every person with a foreign accent is destroying this country from within, you're probably operating under some false assumptions about the issue.
Watching the news can make you feel like your brain just worked a long shift at a diaper-cleaning service.
Trying to stay current with the news is like getting a job manning Earth's complaint desk.
The news can make it look like the world is directed by Zack Snyder while going through a bitter divorce.
The news reads like somebody gave a thousand monkeys a thousand typewriters and then set the building on fire.