I cringe to admit it, but I'm offended by something I saw on TV. I know, it's totally lame to be offended by anything anymore. And for that reason, this feels so shameful and demoralizing, like the time I lost an arm-wrestling match to a dead child.
You see, after years of watching sexy, half-naked women "ironically" sell greased wads of food, I just learned that Carl's Jr. will be retiring the so-called "slutburger" ad model. You know the ones. They're the not-so-subtle commercials featuring a variety of hot women holding dolled-up hamburger analogues for the viewers' hungry man-dicks.
"Use our burgers as a fleshlight! For $4.99, we don't judge!"
The majority of America found these ads to be objectively terrible on an almost impressive number of levels -- from the overt sexism to the pathetic corporate attempt at being "edgy" to the ironic 'Murica pandering. But knowing that Carl's Jr. was the Adam Sandler of corporations isn't what offends me. Until this moment I've spent the decade blissfully benign about this company's lusty lunch peddling. Their new "non-sexy" marketing turn, however, has sent my emotions into a blasting vortex of rage ... screaming into the dark oblivion, like an ascending deity escaping the sweaty clutches of man's folly.
Shut up, I'm not being dramatic. Let's look at the ad in question, which I'm not going to link here, because they can eat my hearty shit:
The bull is riding hoverboards. Probably.
It begins at the fictional offices of Carl's Jr., where the also-fictional CEO (also named Carl Jr.) is a VR-wearing Millennial douche-sack damning the company with sexy burger ads. In walks his father, Carl Sr., who proceeds to take down the fuck-imagery and vow to veer the burger chain away from objectifying women and back to their meaty roots. Meanwhile, his turdface 20-something kid stands in the background and makes turd faces like the big fucking 20-something turd that he apparently is.
"I can't even taste our delicious #burgers ever since I got Millennial Mouth Herpes, LOL!"
Get it, Millenials? You're fucking terrible, and it's your fault that Carl's Jr. ran all those dipshit ads! How delightfully meta and raaaandom! THEY'RE JUST LIKE YOU. THEY FUCKING GET IT. ISN'T IT FUNNY HOW THEY TOTALLY FUCKING GET IT?!?!? BUY A FUCKING MEAT SLAB BECAUSE IT'LL BE TOTALLY IRONIC AND META, YOU FUCKING NOBODY.
No, Carl's Jr., you sweaty neckties, you don't get to suddenly act like you're aware how shitty your ads were. That's like Dr. Frankenstein quietly joining the angry mob outside his castle. As we've pointed out about films like Terminator Genisys and Age Of Ultron, lamenting how dumb your own product is doesn't make it any less dumb. Saying "Man, how fucking terrible are we?" isn't going to excuse 10+ years of being terrible, you goddamn goblins. You have to actually own up to it like an adult.
But what makes it all that much more wall-punching is how they've decided to deflect by pinning their shitty corporate strategy on young people. The Carl's Jr. "sexy" ads weren't the idea of some slimy millennial playing newfangled video games with his dick. It was actually the brainchild of their 66-year-old CEO, who famously defended the ads in the most assholish way possible.
Carl's Jr. spent over a decade getting easy publicity by being the most baiting and annoying they could possibly be, so the idea that they can just turn around and act like they are totally on our side is fucking clown piss. It's so much more insulting and offensive than the original sexist ads.
I know the internet is now just one big stupid battle over which side can make the other more "outraged" or whatever, but dear god, if you have any self-respect, don't make it this goddamn easy to be pandered to. Don't endure years of some ad executive's wrinkly boner, only to be blamed for it when the chips are down.
Fuck these guys and their dick burgers. Fuck them right into the ground.
Hey, follow Dave on his stupid Twitter.
Forget 'morale-boosters,' we'd rather have the money.
Trends among women trigger a level of contempt that's way beyond what is deserved.
Buckle up. This article is gonna be wild.