Unknown Blogger To Challenge Google to Death Race
"Don't you think you're being a little hasty, Jack?" He reconsidered. The one's who fear forks often do.
"We have a problem, Boss. Cracked has a problem. I think we've made some enemies. Some enemies who want us gone. Out of the way." To get more comfortable, I started loosening my tie. "Now, I'm not totally surprised at the recent enemy surge; we're a super huge website and I guess a few enemies come with the cost of fame. Hey, no one said this would be easy, right?" To get more comfortable, I started unbuckling my belt. "'Easy,' now there's a tricky word for you. Let's think about what that word means for a second. Let's break it down, shall we? See, the Romans believed that 'Easy' was a-" "Dan, what the hell are you talking about," he said, interrupting me like a big, stupid jackass. He was getting impatient, (more jackass-like behavior), so I decided to cut right to the point. "There's this doofy, little website that's trying to intimidate us, Boss. They want us gone. They want to muscle us off the internet. They think they're
This is seriously my office.
What's a matter, Dicks? You couldn't just write 'Google' once? Dicks!?!
Google has two floors.So did the Nazi's.
Google: Balls on the outside, Dicks on the inside.
"Well, I'm gonna let them know that they're not the only ones with giant, multi-colored balls." I showed Jack my business card again. He cringed. "Dan... It seems to me like they're not really doing anything. It kind of sounds like you're just mad that they've got nicer stuff than we do." "It's the flaunting, Secret World of Alex Jack. That's my problem. Sure, they've got money, but they don't have to be such dicks about it. We get it. You're Google. Fuck off." "Dan, as if this whole situation wasn't ridiculous enough already, what are you asking for?" "Good question. $160,000. My original budget was a billion, but I managed to whittle it down to 160K, which, I think you'll agree, is fair. And while I'm still willing to go as high as a billion, $160K is really all I'll need to launch a full-scale attack on Google.whatever to let them know that we won't be bullied." He paused. Presumably, because $160,000 was such a fair and reasonable number. "What are you planning on doing with this money?" "Another good question. No clue. I haven't really figured out the nature of this attack just yet, but I'm pretty sure it'll cost around $160,000. I'm thinking about challenging them to a Death Race, like in that documentary I saw. Or maybe a debate, like in debate clubs. Or maybe just a
And so it's down to me. The burden of honor falls on my shoulders. It is up to me to take down the apparent internet juggernaut that is Google.net, (or is it .com? I don't have time to check.). I may not have the necessary funds or the support of my suit-wearing Cracked superiors, or even a formal plan, but mark my words, Internet: Google is going down. This isn't over. Not by a long shot. A fucking long shot. Google is probably going to push back, to counter my attacks in some way. I've gotta tell you, that wouldn't be wise. Sure, I know what you're thinking, Google. You're thinking 'Did he get fired from Cracked, or not?' Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I've kinda lost track myself. But seeing as Cracked does have the power to blow your site clean off the internet, you gotta ask yourself one question: 'Am I feeling lucky?' Well? Are ya? Bitch?