The Truth Behind 5 'Real Monsters' That Fooled the Internet
The Montauk Monster Carcass
Pictured: The Kappa, an ancient Japanese water-demon.A pretty young girl in the prime of her life is frolicking with her female friends on a local beach, when a monster appears! It's a setup good enough kickoff half of the Friday the 13th movies, but these young sex-vixens weren't murdered in alphabetical order while the survivors grieve by stripping off their tops and offering to split up, because the so-called “monster” was already dead. The Montauk Monster washed up on Ditch Plains Beach in July of 2008, where the aforementioned girls found it, photographed it and sold the pictures to the local paper. Then the Internet got a hold of it and, as usual, shit got all blown out of proportion. The Mystery: The Reveal: It was a raccoon. Though initial arguments insisted that the legs were far too long, proportionally, to match with a raccoon's, actual experts went on record with dental patterns, correlating details on the front paws, and skeletal matches that all pointed to the Montauk Monster being nothing more than a decomposing raccoon carcass missing part of its upper jaw. When asked for clarification, scientists sarcastically asked, “What? You want us to draw you a picture?” Then, noting the slack-jawed, dimwitted stare from the audience, sighed with exasperation and did precisely that:
The Moscow MonsterMoscow Monster was supposedly discovered by Russian soldiers on a beach in Sakhalin, Russia. Sakhalin is actually 5,000 miles away from Moscow, but when pressed, most westerners can only name roughly three things about Russia anyway--vodka, communism and Moscow-- so we guess the name just stuck by default. The Mystery: The corpse was estimated at roughly 20-feet in length, and covered in some bizarre shag material that was not feathers, fur or scales. Adding further intrigue to the mystery, it was reported that Russian Special Services were called in to take the carcass away in secrecy. So we've got government cover-ups in addition to possibly prehistoric beasts: It's the thing urban legends are made of. The Reveal: It was a beluga whale. All that “it's not a fish, it's not a reptile and it don't got fur” speculation should've tipped you off to the answer: What's not a fish but lives in the water? A fucking whale. What's not feathers, fur, nor scales? Blubber. Whales are mammals, and their skeletal structures reflects that fact. If you're not familiar with whale physiology, you might see a live whale and assume that its skeleton is made up of a “bunch of round,” with some “flipper things” on the side. So when a corpse washes up on the beach with what looks like a serpentine tail, articulated hands and a beak, most can be forgiven for assuming it was an uRru tragically felled by the sinister Skeksis.
The "Chupacabra" VideoThe video seemed to show a chupacabra, the legendary Mexican bloodsucking monster that's supposedly equal parts reptile and canine. The Mystery: The Reveal: The video was taken near a town called Cuero, Texas; a place which cheap t-shirts sold by off-season carnies insist is “the unofficial chupacabra capital of the world.” So clearly, the area has something to gain from stating that the tape shows a legendary monster in all its glory. Several other chupacabra sightings and even actual corpses have cropped up all across the county as well:
The Body of Bigfootto have not only discovered a bigfoot but, in true hillbilly tradition, also immediately shot, killed and stuffed it in a freezer. The two men actually called a press conference to announce the discovery where they basically took photos of themselves poking the corpse with sticks and tried to cobble together enough interest to justify a pay-per-view event of the footage. In a nutshell, they tried to start a makeshift carnival freak show. And it totally worked. The Mystery:
"Forget about game / I spit the truth!" -Dr. ScienceThe Reveal: Surely a police officer wouldn't throw away his entire career on a sub-par hoax, right? At the very least, this “discovery” is going to be a master-minded con, right? Nope. Turns out that “bigfoot” was really just a cheap Halloween costume the two men bought over the Internet--the most traceable of transaction methods--and stuffed with possum guts then chucked into a freezer. When asked how they thought they were going to fake DNA evidence under intensive public scrutiny, the master magicians shrugged, mumbled something under their breath and only when pressed admitted that they had little to no understanding of what the word DNA meant. “It's like one of those Jap cars, right?” Offered one con-artist, before jamming his finger so far up his nose it caused a mild seizure.
The SewerCam Creaturemost recent cryptozoological mystery to mindfuck the Internet and not call it the next day. The mystery monster was first sighted in a video taken in the sewers of Raleigh, North Carolina, which appears to show a licker about to drag Gordon Freeman up to the ceiling and digest him. The Mystery: Workers that had spent years in the Raleigh sewers were at a total loss to identify the creature, stating that it was much too large for a local slime mold, that it was thriving in an otherwise hostile environment and, perhaps most unsettlingly, it's jiggling, slimy mass seemed to grotesquely pulsate when confronted with a light source – much like Rush Limbaugh.
"BLOOORAAARRRGHH! LIGHT BURN!" -Rush LimbaughThe Reveal: When not digesting Boba Fett over a period of one thousand years, tubifex worms enjoy conglomerating in Raleigh sewers and confusing the hell out of Internet science cowboys. That's right, the so called “sewer creature" was, in fact, just a handful of bait. The worms, in the absence of soil, had coiled around each other, and the pulsating you see is the result of one worm twitching, which in turn caused all of the others to do the same, like a giant game of sub-metropolitan grabass. They're exceedingly rare, these colonies, but experts wanted to assure the public that there was no need for concern: The worms, though odd, are a natural part of life in the sewer.
All part of the circle of life.Further, the water department assured the public that any water passing by the colony would be thoroughly treated before making its way to your sinks… then they issued a statement retracting their former statement, because the creature was supposedly in a private sewer system. But they quickly reassured the public again that it still posed no danger. The Water Bureau then issued a declaration of “ no-take-backs” and then held a press conference to assure everybody that it was “not un-opposite day.” Long story short, the worms probably pose no threat to anybody, save for disappointing everyone that still wants to believe in magic and monsters. If you're one of those people who do still believe in mystery, you can apparently go fuck yourself straight to Hell. And when you get there, tell the Devil Science sent you. For more monster goodness, check out The Real World Fears Behind 8 Popular Movie Monsters and 15 Retarded Dungeons and Dragons Monsters.
You can pre-order Robert's book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead on Amazon, or find him on Twitter, Facebook, and his own site I Fight Robots, because he's just found the first unicorn! You can come over and see it if you like, but it only comes out when you take off your clothes and do a sexy little dance.
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