Why The CoV Decided To Throw Its Full Support Behind Trump
The Cracked email has been overflowing with requests for us to post the transcripts from the recent speech given by a cup of vomit at the Republican National Convention that aired on every major news program in the world. We're not sure why you needed these so urgently, but here you go:
Republican National Convention
Speech by Cup Of Vomit
Hey there, everyone. It's me, a talking cup of vomit! And I'm thrilled to have been chosen to speak before you fine people here at the RNC as we start this exciting campaign for the next president of these United States: my good friend, Donald Trump.
You may know me from my earlier work as a McDonald's QPC meal and six shots of Fireball, or perhaps from my most recent project as the chunky liquid flying out of a throat next to a toilet - truly, just inches away from the toilet, landing mostly on the floor, but also partially into a cup that was left there for unknown reasons. And maybe you know my cup from its original purpose as a travel mug previously owned by someone's mom, which they borrowed on a trip home and never gave back. But today is not about me, an enchanted container of undigested food and drink mixed with enzymatic fluids. Today is about the future of America.
I am proud to stand here tonight as a proud supporter of the Second Amendment. [long applause break] Heh-heh. Lock and load! [more applause, a smattering of jubilant gunshots] Please, please. [applause settles, one thoughtful gunshot]
As a warm splatty mess inhabiting a plastic cup, I have the right to protect my family from danger. And make no mistake, the Obama administration has ensured that there is more danger facing our loved ones than ever before. Not all families are the same. My family is a toilet brush, a clump of hair from the drain that missed the garbage can, a dusty toothbrush behind the sink, several bloody Q-tips, and a water-warped copy of Truck Trend Magazine from October 2013. Again, I am a travel mug of vomit that lives on the bathroom floor of someone whose drinking has taken a real turn. But the thought of anything bad happening to any of them puts me on edge. But knowing that I, a cup of vomit, could legally buy a gun in most states puts me at ease.
And that's how I should feel as an American -- safe in the knowledge that I can stand my ground if necessary. That's why I'm voting for Donald Trump, a close personal friend of mine and the right man for the job. I'm thrilled to see this many people so fired up about electing this man to the highest office in our country. But my chunks turn just thinking about how many people out there are considering voting for the Democratic candidate. [much booing, angry gunshots] Please, please. [one hurt gunshot]
Hillary would take steps to remove firearms from law-abiding citizens like yourselves, and put them into the hands of violent criminals. We all recall how Harambe, the gorilla king, was brutally gunned down by a pot-smoking welfare queen at point-blank range while a crowd of gay women getting state-sponsored abortions cheered her on. Or something, I can't really read. I'm a cup of puke. But no American zoo animal should be without a legitimate means of self-defense against dangerous people; people who are even slightly different from us. You can be sure that a vote for Trump is a vote for gorillas having the right to fire back.
But danger doesn't just come from within our borders. The threat of foreign terror on American soil has never been greater. Evil countries, like Sultania and Yomar and Palestakistan, are aware that our country has never been weaker. The Obama administration weakened our military, opened our borders, and personally created Twitter accounts for any member of ISIS who asked nicely. As a drinking container full of stomach contents, I'm sorely afraid of what could happen at any moment.
Who knows? Maybe all those Syrian refugees, who keep inner-tubing over the Atlantic Ocean directly into our backyards, will force our kids to start listening to Lady Gaga. Or worse, they'll decide, "We're not learning English, since English is the language of freedom and also cups of vomit that were given the ability to speak and think by a senile old witch who got lost. We want everyone to speak Syrian now." Is that the country you want to live in? [every gun in the audience grows a mouth and says, "NO!"] That's what I thought. Donald Trump will personally pop every inner tube of every Syrian refugee who tries to go tubing down our country's great rivers. That is a pleasure that should only be reserved for real Americans, who love to get sunburned and dangerously dehydrated during glorious summer days like this one. That's the America I want to live in.
On the other hand, Hillary has brunch with the masterminds of the Benghazi attack every single morning. Every morning. And they always order waffles for the table, because no one ever wants all that waffle for brunch, but that way you can still have some waffle. I should know this, because my cousin, a wet rag soaked in champagne puke, works at the restaurant where they go. It's a gay bakery that won't hire Christians. It makes me sick, and hey -- I'm already sick! I'm puke!
[lots of applause]
For years, good citizens like you and I (a plastic travel mug full of vomit that was zapped by the magical powers of a confused sorceress, who walked into the wrong apartment on accident because she's very old) have been told that we're wrong. That the only way to be good in this country is to sit back. To stop working. Get gay. Eat heroin. Well, I don't know about you, but I'm tired of weakness being exalted as a virtue. I'm tired of seeing laziness and deviance being encouraged and even taught in our classrooms. I'm tired of people telling our children they can't graduate from high school unless they switch genders. Did you know that 85 percent of American kids between the ages of 10 and 18 have never had a teacher encourage them to punch an animal to death? That's a vital experience every child should have. We're raising weak kids. Well, not in Trump's America. In Trump's America, the rainbow will be replaced with a very nice gold-and-black marble column. It'll be absolutely wonderful. You'll pray for rain! As a cup of vomit with the capacity for speech and thought, I cannot wait for the first Trump rainbow to appear. Also, gay people will not be allowed to eat cake. Let them eat something else! [applause, the sounds of guns being fired into cakes]
With Donald Trump in the White House, you and I can finally rest easy. He's a shrewd businessman, he's tough as nails, and he raised three fantastic children and two hidden ones and also probably lots of other secret ones. Isn't that the kind of person we want leading our country? I can tell you, from seeing him on the golf course, this is not a man who likes to lose! [laughter, the guns also laugh] Heh-heh. And more than that, he's not good at losing. He's never lost before in his life, and he's not about to start losing now. In fact, he's going to win the greatest fight of all. And I'm not just talking about the race for the presidency, which he will also win -- according to me, a sentient cup of watery burger chunks. I'm talking about the fight for this country. He is going to make America great again. But more than that, he is going to America America America America. And there's no way a witch like Hillary, or the witch who gave me the gift-curse of self-awareness, is gonna stop him!
In conclusion, thank you, and God Bless Amer-- [gets kicked over, spills all over everywhere, is disgusting]
[huge, huge applause, triumphant gunshots]
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