The 9 Biggest Bastards of 2011
Economic crises, royal weddings and Amy Winehouse discovered to have been alive: all huge news stories, but none relevant to us. Good morning! This is the Year in Bastardry, 2011.
A mere smattering.
"I am personally going to take a shit on each one of these."
You'd think marrying your cousin would fall out of fashion
Those villains are very foreign.
America continued to ease off its foreign bastardry commitments to invest its remaining $10 in misery at home. Exiting Iraq relieved pressure on an inflated bastard reputation, even as 63 deaths wrote a touching post-script to the love letter we wrote that country in the blood of dead citizens. With anywhere from 100,000 to 1,000,000 Iraqi corpses -- ahhh, but who's counting? -- the important thing is that we shared this kind of once-in-a-lifetime-and-usually-at-the-end-of-it intimacy.
Domestic bastardry continued its 50-year climb, as fiscal titans raised a snide glass of champagne to the 99 percent who had saved their asses without even being allowed to stipulate how the money should be spent. The strongest growth was, as always, among uninformed bastards that think they know everything, who chided at protestors angry about the lack of real jobs to go get real jobs.
Really, who doesn't have an uncle they're ashamed of? Not my nieces, by God.
Also because he was a zombie, which I propose we call Zombaffie, even though Gaddombie would be good too.
The Rich Bastard will be missed by weird Apple cultists and fans of Wrangler dad jeans with tennis Reeboks. You know which of yourselves I'm talking about, Victoria's Secret models. The world will miss his relentless vision of the sterile totalitarianism promised to us by 1970s sci-fi, as well as his branding campaign pretending to be the complete opposite. We're sure he's thinking differently and tolerating no variance in Heaven now, praise iGod.
Crazy Bastard's sudden demise left his nation adrift. Without Dear Leader, whose statues will fill their bomb shelters in lieu of food? (Assuming they one day get food.) Who will teach them the secret mysteries of a child's laugh, or the 22-minute orgasm, or worst of all, the strange connection between the two? Who will sprinkle the sky with stars every time he sneezes, and who will invent new musical notes to write the greatest song ever composed (about himself)? For God's sake,
They learned so much more about the world in this one moment than in four years of college.
Check out more from this bastard in The 7 Most Terrifying Rejected TV Ads and 5 Reasons The Rapture Did Not Occur.