The 6 Most Baffling Classic Rock Songs About Women
Something about earnest love songs -- rooted in their lost and desperate appeal to emotion, in their universal struggle against unrequited affection -- always makes me reflect on my own life and think "Man, I am a way better storyteller than musicians." The trouble is that they get ahead of themselves, jumping right to the heartache and the yearning while only throwing out a few rushed metaphors and cloying imagery to describe the girl or the guy they love. Well, if I'm going to commiserate, I need some indication that the person is worth all that longing to begin with, and the best place to start is with physical beauty. I don't care if Bell Biv DeVoe's love is poison or if Poison's love has thorns if no one's going to assure me from the start that the women they're singing about are hot. And if they're not, then honestly, what's the point of all this?
"Sweet Child O' Mine" -- Guns N' Roses
Pertinent Lyrics:
She's got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky ...
She's got eyes of the bluest skies
As if they thought of rain
I hate to look into those eyes
And see an ounce of pain
Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place
Where as a child I'd hide
Behold:
"Maneater" -- Hall & Oates
Pertinent Lyrics:
She'll only come out at night
The lean and hungry type ...
The woman is wild, a she-cat tamed by the purr of a Jaguar ...
She's deadly, man, she could really rip your world apart
Mind over matter
Ooh, the beauty is there but a beast is in the heart
Behold:
"Bette Davis Eyes" -- Kim Carnes
Pertinent Lyrics:
Her hair is hollow gold
Her lips sweet surprise
Her hands are never cold
She's got Bette Davis eyes ...
She'll expose you
When she snows you
Off your feet with the crumbs she throws you ...
All the boys think she's a spy
Behold:
"She's Always a Woman" -- Billy Joel
Pertinent Lyrics:
She can kill with a smile
She can wound with her eyes ...
She'll carelessly cut you
And laugh while you're bleeding ...
Oh, she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Behold:
"Rio" -- Duran Duran
Pertinent Lyrics:
Moving on the floor now babe you're a bird of paradise
Cherry ice cream smile I suppose it's very nice ...
Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand
Just like that river twisting through a dusty land
And when she shines she really shows you all she can
Oh Rio, Rio dance across the Rio Grande
Behold:
"Drops of Jupiter" -- Train
Pertinent Lyrics:
Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey ...
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey ...
Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star?
One without a permanent scar ...
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind?
Was it everything you wanted to find? ...
But tell me, did you sail across the sun?
Did you make it to the Milky Way
To see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated?
Behold:
You can follow Soren's one-man attack on Train's negligence via Twitter or light a few candles, start a bath and follow him on Tumblr.
For more from Soren, check out 8 Letters from the Elementary School Where I Guest Lectured and 4 Steps to Staying Relevant as a Bully In the Modern World.