8 Letters from the Elementary School Where I Guest Lectured
Every time I write, I pray that destiny carries my words to the ears of sapling writers; nourishing their roots and inspiring them to grow. Then, with any luck, all of my hard work will someday be remembered by future generations as a shining example of literary compost.
When you see this, I want you to think of me.
Reaching a wider and younger audience is part of the reason I'm currently touring my new autobiography, Tusked On The Inside, and entirely the reason I am only touring it at elementary schools. So far it has seen mixed reviews, which I am taking as a good sign; no great work has ever been universally praised, particularly by children. Still, it is the kids I have affected that matter most, those young boys and girls that found something valuable in what I offered, that left the auditorium in Marion, Ohio or Carbondale, Colorado feeling as though I touched them. In honor of those tiny victories, I want to share with you some of the Thank You letters I've received. What they lack in eloquence they make up for in heart, just like literature itself. Each one of them means almost as much to me as I clearly meant to those children.
I lost it at "I'm sorry I walked in when you and Mrs. Wright were studying."
ReplyI died. Very funny.
ReplyPs..... all the kids have the same writing.......
You can touch me any time Soren ;)
Replyawesome Soren!!!
Reply"...feeling as though I touched them."
ReplySoren... This just comes off as creepy. You don't have to touch kids. You could get any woman or man on Cracked.
that was possibly the greatest thing ive ever seen. and ive seen a cow get hit by a car in the interstate. nobody died so its cool
Reply...was the cow okay??
He said nobody dies so the cow must have been bo-fine....
cellar door on the blackboard = donnie darko reference?
ReplyI want that principal.
ReplyHa! That last one must be from here in Atlanta. But seriously, props for the Iliad reference! (Achilles fighting a river. Unless you made that up just to be awesome. In which case, you should probably read the Iliad. It's action-packed!)
ReplyYou know what I hate more than anything? A self promoter.
ReplyYa know what I hate more than anything? Assholes whole can't understand sarcasm. Go f**k a meat grinder.
Yeah, go grind a meat f****r
Hmm, this only serves to prove my previous assumption that Soren is a god.
ReplyThe second-last letter was disturbingly similar to a message a got from a girl.
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliesyour right hand does not count as a girl.
f*****g LOL!!!!
Exceptional wit, sir!
What about his left hand?
Someone please high five this guy
ReplyCELLAR DOOR
ReplyLMAO f*****g classic. Soren wins again (as usual).
ReplyAnyone else notice how the first picture had Native Americans designed with red construction paper? Or how the alphabet is missing E and F in the picture of Soren boning Ms. Meyer?
ReplyCome on, man. They're just kids.
this is beautiful.
ReplyOooh! Soren is a badass with the kids!
ReplyDecades from now, Liberal Arts schools across the world will tell tales of the great Bowie, and his works will replace The Iliad on the great totem pole of required reading.
ReplyOf course it will, Soren carved said totem pole. It was only a matter of time!
You know, we really need to invent sarcasm tags. They'll do the same thing as italics, only you'll denote them with "srcsm".
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesNo, we don't. The beauty of sarcasm is that it doesn't have to be obvious.
I see what you did there.
^