Using Charity to Help The Third World (Worship You as a God)
I am a giver by nature. Deeply rooted in my blood is the philanthropic need to ease the suffering of others, to strip away the tattered robes of misery and lick the wounds of the browbeaten, figuratively. "Gross" you will think, and I don't blame you because your heart is not as big as mine. You have never seen the desperate eyes of a starving Romanian mother or the blue lips of a sweater-less and shivering Albanian child, as I have, in a catalog.
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The poor thing.
Last year at this time, I received an issue of "Heifer International" in the mail and flipped through it, curious how race and culture could outweigh obesity on the scales of attractiveness but the catalog was something else entirely. The Heifer International Project, I gleaned, allows affluent people like me to gift livestock to impoverished families around the world. I jumped at the opportunity to help the less fortunate in a unique way, knowing full well the satisfaction it would afford me during Christmas party small talk. The following are the letters of praise and gratitude sent to me by my family of choice in Zambia. I offer them as encouragement for anyone who is thinking of giving to a good cause this holiday season and also to silence all the Doubting Thomii out there who insist that throwing money at a problem never solves anything; you were wrong, perhaps now you can wash down your words with the milk from one of my sponsored family's many cows.
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Soren, you are the postmodern Nietzsche. Please send more guns.
Replyf*****g funny. Awesome piece.
Replybeeeeeeeeeee e e e e e e e
ReplyThis is one of the few articles I come back to read. This is seriously funny shit.
ReplySoren bowie after reading most of your articles i have come to the conclusion that you are some sort of spiritual being maybe even a god or a half god like hercules..... i was blind but now i see thank you Soren....
ReplyThis is my favorite Soren article ever. I die every time I read it.
Replythank you for acknowledging that my country Zambia is not a small town in S.A... now I am off to play paint ball, with your guns.
ReplyI lost my s**t at "What are you doing?! Why did you send us guns?" Thank you for enriching my life.
ReplyI am richer upon having read this. Is Canada a Third World country? If so, it worked.
ReplyI love you Soren the way a straight man can love another (presumably) straight man. Your articles are hilarious and they just keep coming. Thank you for the bees by the way. Their honey is delicious and bountiful. I would also like to tha- AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyBEEEEEEEEEES
ReplyHAHA, the hilarious part of this was the end ad for sponsoring a child with world vision... just perfects this article
Reply Hide All See All 8 RepliesInterestingly enough,mine was for diamonds. I think that makes it even better.
Mine was for coupons...thats weird
mine was also world visoin
weirdd
Sandwiches, b***hes.
I got charity cars.
Mine was for becoming applying to become an Australian counter terrorist...that's awesome.
associate's degree in Military History. not as cool as aussie counter terrorism
My ad was for some YouTube panel with Clinton, Bush, and Bono
Aww, I love reading these heartwarming stories about the spirit of giving, especially with the Christmas season so soon upon us.
ReplyThe advertisement at the end of this article was for world vision...
ReplyThat was hilarious! Soren is the best ;)
ReplyFor those who don't know, Norinco is a Chinese company that makes military hardware and has been involved in a few scandals.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesAlso LMAO, he sent them some Mosin-Nagant rifles, that's pretty much the cheapest gun you can buy. He could have sent them something better.
cheap doesn't equal bad, especially with a Mosin-Nagant.
120 years old and still selling like goddamned hotcakes
you know what another cheap gun is? f**king ak-47.
"For when you absolutely, positively got to kill every motherf**ker in the room." I believe is the attributed quote.
The AK-47 isn't cheap in my country. 60k from one gun shop and 55k from another. 49k for a f**king Khyber Pass. And these are the Chinese Type-56 copies, the most common kind.
Swarms of Bees are the best way to end anything.
ReplyYour on a real roll here, Soren. Keep it up dude, and send me a cow/goat.
ReplyThis was f**king hilarious. I'm in class and near the front and you don't understand how rude I look snorting into my hand. I think I pulled something trying to shut up. Thank you, Soren, for furthering my failing grade.
Reply"Bees!!! Beeeee e e s"
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesSoren, you are my most favorite writer in all of Cracked. Your articles are masterpieces. Can't wait to see more from you!
please mr. bombchuboom, dont feed the narcissist
But he's such a handsome narcissist...
darkmoss is a troll. and i don't mean the usual "internet troll" gambit, he's the kind that pops out from under a bridge and forces you to answer his riddles three. you know who kills trolls? Charlie Sheen. And Soren is the only person ever who may be able to out-win the Sheen.