The 4 Craziest Places People Keep Having Sex
Of all the activities one can enjoy in all the world, sex is easily a top 10 event. It's better than volleyball and more satisfying than eating shrimp. It's just aces, really. But since sex is literally as old as mankind and arguably the first thing two people ever did together beyond awkwardly trying to figure out what that boner was, it's really evolved beyond the ol' exert n' squirt into a bit of a monster. You can have sex with a foot if you want, or sex with five feet. Some people become billionaires and have pee sex. It's a rich cornucopia of boning. And nestled in amongst it all are the people who insist on having sex in just the worst places. Thing is, these piss-poor pork places aren't really fringe weird anymore, they happen with an insane regularity. Nearly 60 percent of people in 2004 admitted to having sex outdoors; it's like the coolest thing since Pogs. But why?
When you think of a church do you think "sanctuary? More like my-bone-to-bury!" and then high five your weiner? I'll assume the answer is yes and move on. Your desire to profane your god or someone else's by flogging your pope is not unique -- it's pretty damned popular.
Why does this stock photo exist?
The idea of a sexual taboo is a broad one, and it changes a lot. Consider how any number of states had laws banning sodomy, which included oral sex in its definition. I would go out on a limb right now and say a solid majority of the sex-having public is all over oral sex nowadays. Research backs it up. Folks like to nibble noodles and gorge on the groin. It's a broken taboo. Just like butt stuff. So where does one go from there? To church!
The taboo of sex and church is as old as at least church. While religion is happy to say "be fruitful and multiply" the subtext included is to do so in your home, with your spouse, maybe on a weekend at night with the lights out until such time as pregnancy has been achieved. Then afterwards you shake hands and share some tapioca. Church is asexual, oppressive, and strict, at least traditionally. No need to tell me how cool and progressive your church is and how your pastor plays bongos, there's still a few thousand years of dark, unsexy history that came before and that's exactly what people want. To defile the sacred with lube. To get freaky in Jesus's hobby lobby. And they do it a lot.
"C'mon, baby. Don't these pews get your loins riled up?"
There are a lot of competing theories about why paraphilias even come to exist, but most of them stem from a kind of almost internal challenge. You're presented with something that, at some point in your life, you're told is wrong or not meant to be sexual, and for whatever reason you challenge that by making it sexual. In the case of Church, the exhibition aspect has to be part of it, the desire to be seen if not by another person then perhaps God. It's his house you're boning in, after all. And if you're not all into your religious doctrine, then the very act of defiling what others believe, a strange kind of sadism, a need to humiliate another, could also be at play. Or maybe that wooden pew just feels really good on your ass.
Some people have taken the love of church so far they turned it into business. Remember a few years back when that woman was filming herself masturbating in Church? She got caught when someone recognized her boobs, which is a strange mix of tragic, sexy, and hilarious. But she was allowing others to get all horned up vicariously through her church humpery. It's like the circle of life, with wet spots.
School is like a second home for most kids, if that home is only during daylight hours, most of the siblings are people you never speak to, and meals are a constant battle between nutrition and abhorrent semi-solid ass cheddar dumplings. Maybe less like a home and more like a really lazy prison. In any event, once you get on in years there comes a time in your life when you may decide you need to make the cafeteria sloppy joes extra sloppy, if you follow me. You need to make the recess bell ring a little harder. You need to bang the chalkboard brushes with vigor. You need to pork in the supply closet.
Now we need to make a distinction here regarding school sex because there are two incredibly distinct kinds of school sex: There are two students sneaking off to the bathroom to have awkward, unfulfilling high-school sex, and then there are teachers having sex with students in a very differently awkward and criminal way. May as well address both here because while each one is a little left of center in the grand scheme of boning, they're just not the same.
It's like comparing apples and pedophilia.
Students getting busy at school is a lot easier to explain than teachers. For one, it's a place where you're surrounded by peers, some of whom you may be attracted to, so it makes more sense in a primal, hormonal sort of way to be all fired up during Spanish class. Muy caliente are the loins. When you're a teenager in love, or more likely a teenager in lust, school is the perfect mix of opportunity and rebellion when it comes to getting sophomorically freaky. Some of us opt to play hooky or smart off to stupid Mr. Terrence who thinks he knows so much about algebra, and some of us choose to discover blowies behind the tree by the football field. It takes all kinds.
As for teachers having sex with students, your motivation can be all over the place. There's the weird power dynamic between a teacher and student that clearly some people get off on, there's also some evidence to suggest that factors like lonely teachers in close proximity with students who admire them can in some way become a temptation, plus the ease of contact that exists today with the ability to email and text each other at all hours. Of course the teacher also has to be a creep as well, because regardless of the student's age, being in a position of authority and instruction over someone who is meant to trust and learn from you and then abusing that is a shit heel thing to do. And yes, even if it's a 15-year-old boy who thinks he won the lottery by getting to do the teacher. I wanted to do plenty of my teachers when I was a teenager, because as a teenager I was an idiot. I still am but at least I know what constitutes an imbalance of power in a relationship. Don't be a creep, math teacher.
Sex at work is some of the most fun and potentially costly sex you can have. Who amongst us hasn't thought "Finally, a fringe benefit I can get behind!" whilst getting behind Prudence who works in accounting? No? Yes, well, dare to dream.
For the curious, around 17 percent of people surveyed have admitted to having sex at work, so for every 10 people in your workplace, two of them have probably doinked.
The copy room may look boring and sterile, but take a black light to it and it'll look like a rave.
Like any risky sexual adventure, sex at work adds the taboo of knowing you're doing something wrong. You risk your very livelihood to do it, which is a hell of a thing to gamble on some slap and tickle. But it's also a fun interplay of power. You're generally being told what to do at work and rarely who to do. Now you're captain of the good ship sloppypop and all engines are set to squish.
Other people just seem to have a weird fetish for channeling their libido into their work. Why does a nurse need to give a 100-year-old dementia patient a lap dance if not for her own weird sense of self satisfaction? You have to admit, that's pretty fucked up.
In most cases it seems like someone found an opportunity through their employment to gain access to a place or a person who they otherwise wouldn't be able to entertain in any sort of crotch-mashing way, and then simply refused to resist the temptation. There's something about unbridled access to seemingly private locations that really sets people off. You're a realtor? Why not make an open house more memorable. Landlord? Your tenant's bed ensures you don't need to worry about changing the sheets. NFL security guard? How do you resist being a creepy-ass penis creeper with all those cheerleaders around? And don't even get me started on paramedics who are clearly just driving around in a medical fetish shaggin' wagon.
"What do you say we clean off this stiff's blood and get to bangin' on this gurney?"
Now, God willing, you and I aren't ever going to find ourselves in a situation where our sexual proclivities force us to abuse someone else's trust, privacy, or their sense of sanity. If you have work sex, it should be the kind of sex that's with a voluntary partner in a safe location that no one else lives in, free from security cameras. And don't show your dong to cheerleaders. Or really anyone who doesn't ask.
Cops, you may notice, are super into sex at work, probably because they have the freedom to travel around on their own and they carry handcuffs. They're generally a picture of the highest level of authority most of us encounter on a day to day basis and, let's be honest, a lot of people like someone in uniform. Plus, if you can get out of a formal charge for a crime by offering a blowie, chances are a few of you are going to take that option. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying it happens.
How much of an issue is cops having sex with suspects? In the U.K. they literally had to write out guidelines to prohibit it in 2016 because apparently too many undercover cops were getting super undercover, which is to say porking. Cop porking! Go on, make the obvious joke.
Beat you to it.
The police have even had to pay out to various women who were the subject of investigations and ended up in sexual relationships with cops pretending to be someone else. One even had a baby. A little undercover lie baby. Aww.
It's not exclusively an American thing either. Cops the world over just can't resist whipping out the ol' billy club for an impromptu cavity search. It happens in Canada, South America, the U.K., but probably never Australia for fear of spiders in the upholstery. How Australians work up the nerve to get naked I'll never know.
The whole idea of cop sex is one of the ultimate abuses of authority. Whether with a suspect or another cop, an officer in a lot of ways has power over life and freedom. That's a heady mix of aphrodisiacs for some people, albeit one that tends to lead to sex in an uncomfortable back seat while it's archived for the perusal of municipal employees.
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