6 Weird-Ass Upcoming Movies That Deserve More Hype
Now that Fantastic Four's cleared out the summer box office with the uncanny grace of a corpse in a subway car, we're faced with an autumn full of cinematic lima bean farts. That is, until Star Wars rolls up and makes us weep bittersweet tears, for even Han Solo is not immune to the inexorable suplexes of Father Time.
But don't be glum! Here's the next installment of our multi-part series on movies nobody's yapping about. These six films are primed to knock your tits off in the foreseeable future. (Or at least until December, when we grow lachrymose during a 10-minute, Sarah McLachlan-scored shot of a graying Chewbacca laboriously consuming a cup of yogurt.)
Ninja Turtles: Blood Brothers Is A Fan Film About Bebop And Rocksteady
The live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles universe has so far been frustratingly barren of the beloved thug tag-team Bebop and Rocksteady. And, while the next Michael Bay installment will supposedly include the brothers in arms, Lord knows what kind of sad-eyed CG hulks that crap reel will yield. Luckily, there's Blood Brothers -- a fan-made, practical effects-driven take on everyone's favorite mutant wildlife. And boy do they look sweet!
Urge to stomp toitles rising, rising ...
Goddamn. Created by directors Scott Fields and Angus Lyne, the short film aims to honor the childish aesthetic we all know and love from the cartoons -- which includes at least two other characters from the series. Fugitoid:
An inter-dimensional stuff-building, multiple-language-speaking robot
from the planet Please-Don't-Sue-Us-Lucas.
And this fuckin' guy:
He might have made an episode or two, in the background somewhere.
In a neat twist -- the film aims to actually be a gritty take in a way that isn't simply lowering the saturation while keeping every other aspect PG-13 ... but rather opting to get the characters' hands dirty with the residue of destruction and debauchery.
Michelangelo will never be this much of a party dude.
Yup, it's like if GWAR tried to make a children's film.
Cartel Land: The People Vs. Mexican Drug Lords
Speaking of people way more badass than you, Cartel Land is about a physician nicknamed "El Doctor" leading a vigilante uprising against a violent Mexican drug cartel called the Knights Templar. Also, this is a documentary, and not a Robert Rodriguez film where Antonio Banderas fires two uzis in a church while maintaining a Jesus Christ pose.
"We wanted to use guitar cases like he did, but have you seen how much space
those fucking things take up?"
The film also follows an American veteran running a group called the Arizona Border Recon, attempting to halt any violence that may seep across the border while struggling with their Fox Newsified persona.
His deepest, darkest secret: His Daily Show DVR season pass.
Morally speaking, the film sounds mind-bogglingly at war with itself, as Mexican citizens and mercenaries are forced to take less-than-compassionate measures against the people fucking up their country with drug trade. All shot by a filmmaker whose most notable previous work was an investigative piece on healthcare that I'm guessing involved very few gunfights. Possibly zero gunfights, even. This is probably why Cartel Land's production took an admittedly surprising route when the director found himself tasked with keeping the camera rolling through multiple confrontations, meth labs, and blazing hellfire shootouts.
The one time shaky cam would've been acceptable, and they spared us from it anyway.
And from the looks of the trailer -- we're not even talking about a single crazy shootout, but multiple goddamn gun battles, ranging from ambushes to raids, that these hapless film school graduates documented in the grips of the stewing fear-sundaes no doubt brewing in their pants. With any luck, they'll make a follow-up film that's just two hours of them crying under a wool blanket.
Yoga Hosers: Kevin Smith Plays A Nazi Bratwurst
In the span of 30 years, director Kevin Smith has gone from America's grunge stoner to America's walrus-horror auteur. It's been a strange trip, and I can't say his work is for everyone, but who knows? You might find the following picture intriguing:
"I can't attack the Polish. They're my people!"
Unmistakably, that there is Kevin Smith himself playing a giant bratwurst Hitler man (not to be confused with a late-career Tom Selleck). As was briefly touched upon in a previous installment, Smith has been working on what he's calling his True North Trilogy, which began with Tusk and ends with the self-explanatory Moose Jaws, making Yoga Hosers the Empire Strikes Back of grotesque puck-chaser tribute films. Along with Smith, the movie bafflingly stars his own daughter, a sleazed-up Haley Joel Osment, and Johnny Depp apparently playing an off-brand Che Guevara impersonator.
If your actor sexual fantasies involve getting mugged over $20 and paying too much
for a '93 Hyundai, this is the film for you.
Finally, Depp's daughter also stars beside Smith's, no doubt as the central motivator for why the millionaire actor was willing to dress like a Smurf villain in a raunchy comedy. At this point, the plot seems almost inconsequential, but in case you're wondering: The film's conflict comes when an ancient evil from the planet's crust threatens the hangings-out of our two young heroes, who join forces with Depp's character (a French-Canadian manhunter named Guy Lapointe) to grapple their way to victory ... presumably in a sequence where they grill a giant racist sausage. That's as much sense as this film is offering, so it's probably best to just go with it.
We're Getting Way Too Many Films About Krampus
Now that we've powered through the "life is an endless tragedy" portion of this comedy article, it's time to talk about upcoming horror movies about Santa's demonic co-worker. The first one, elegantly titled Krampus, is being written and directed by one of the dudes behind Trick 'R Treat and the upcoming X-Men: Apocalypse. It stars a young Charlie Brown-type questioning the true meaning of Christmas. But, unlike the Peanuts special, this young man's lack of faith summons an ancient horned Christmas demon named Krampus (instead of an eerie cool jazz soundtrack).
But, of course, being such a rich and expansive universe that everyone is familiar with, it's just not enough that we're getting one Krampus movie. So luckily, there's Slay Belles, a sexy take on the Krampus story starring three Harley Quinn-type urban explorers battling on the side of Saint Nick -- who is described in the synopsis as a "crotchety biker wannabe with fading magic powers."
This is not the same Santa who once kicked the shit out of Satan.
Then there's Happy Krampus, a Jim Henson Company-produced children's film. And Anti-Claus, a film about the holiday imp starring none other than the above-mentioned Haley Joel Osment and directed by Kevin fucking Smith, thereby deeming 2016 the year of quizzically watching The Sixth Sense kid make hockey references and blowjob jokes.
(And if you're concerned that this glut of films will devalue alpine yuletide hobgoblins, know that the best Krampus movie ever made was already put on YouTube seven years ago. It didn't even need a plot!)
Though, if the Rolling Stones ever see this, the director may need a lawyer.
Related: CRACKED ROUND-UP: Christmas Edition!
The Look Of Silence: A Grim-As-Fuck Sequel To The Act Of Killing
Now that we've gotten past the obligatory Canadian meat-person part of this article, we can really dig into the big laughs of, uh, Indonesia's bloody October of 1965? You may have heard of The Act Of Killing -- a cinematic dick punch that welcomed actual death-squad leaders to reenact their most memorable genocides using the cinematic style of their choosing. The film was both harrowing and cathartic, and now it comes with an equally horrific sequel called The Look Of Silence.
Pictured: You, 10 minutes in.
That's Adi Rukun, a 44-year-old optometrist and the younger brother of one of the between 500,000 and 1 million people who were murdered for suspected communist and/or enemy ties during Indonesia's military overthrow 50 years ago. After watching the Dutch-made Act Of Killing, Adi decided to crown himself the King Of Steel Testicles by finding, sitting down, and actually confronting those military and political leaders responsible for his brother's death.
"Ah, so they agree. Good talk."
On top of the brutal confrontation with evil, the film adds an extra level of "holy shit" by having our optometrist protagonist use each encounter to also perform eye tests on the men who ordered the frightful death of his people. Because even the most callous blood-spilling monster deserves better fit for greater comfort in about an hour.
If they can ever look themselves in the mirror again, at least they won't be blurry.
The Happytime Murders: Jim Henson's Son's R-Rated Muppet Film
Anyone who has seen Peter Jackson's self-administered cinematic psychopathy test Meet The Feebles knows that there's vast, untapped potential in using Muppets for excruciating body horror and mind-fucking despair. You take that nearly blank slate of a concept, add someone uncomfortably close to the world of Jim Henson, and there's no telling what kind of crippled id will come flying onto the screen like a meth-raged Kermit The Frog.
This is probably why it's taken so long for the loosely titled Happytime Murders -- a puppet noir murder mystery directed by Brian Henson (son of Jim Henson) -- to get anything resembling a green light. That, and the fact that "puppet noir murder" sounds more like the title of a spree-shooter's manifesto than a marketable genre. At least until you see the visuals ...
This is what happens when 1970s New York City closes its eyes and makes believe.
That's concept art from all the way back in 2012, when the film's screenwriter specified that they were going for a hard R-rating including, but not limited to, puppet fucking, swearing, and murder in a world that is occupied by both flesh and felt. The apparently hard-to-sell storyline follows the cherished cast of a fictional show called The Happytime Gang as they're gradually picked off by a mysterious serial killer. Naturally, it's up to two mismatched, alcoholic detectives to save the day. Also, one of them is a puppet.
And the other one is blue.
If you're doubting whether an R-rated noir film starring puppets could possibly take off with the movie studios, you're not wrong. Happytime Murders was in its sixth year of finding a producer willing to pour the energy into making what is essentially a sick experiment ... that is, until STX Entertainment recently announced they were fast-tracking the project in partnership with the Jim Henson Company. Get ready for a supernova of Muppet-on-Muppet fetishes, everyone! It's gonna get weird!
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