Pull It Together, Guillermo
Guillermo, I've never questioned you in the past. When you optioned Hellboy, I was like "yeah, duh, he's the goddamned devil." When you and I got sloshed over a pitcher of sangria and you said you just had to make a movie with a guy who had eyes on his hands, I was like "whatever floats your boat, dude." But as your friend and paid life coach, I've got to tell you, your recent proclamation that extra roles in The Hobbit films will be filled by fans of the movies may be the worst idea anyone's ever had. And to prove it to you, I invented time travel, went into the future, and brought back a review of the movie. Yes, that’s what a good fucking friend I am. Then I destroyed the time travel device. Why? Because
it's function had been served. So take heed, Lermo. THIS is where you’re headed if you don’t wise up.
Del Toro’s The Hobbit Should Have Gone There…And Not Come Back Again
The first of two proposed movies based on Tolkien’s The Hobbit was released this week, and by now it’s a fair assumption that Director Guillermo Del Toro has fled to Spain to escape the bloodthirsty mobs that roam the streets, calling for his blood. All this reviewer can say to those who would kill the man simply for making such an awful movie is: I own a boat.
In a parallel timestream, Michael is still head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!