Pull It Together, Guillermo

July 10, 2008 Add Cracked to Google

Guillermo, I've never questioned you in the past. When you optioned Hellboy, I was like "yeah, duh, he's the goddamned devil." When you and I got sloshed over a pitcher of sangria and you said you just had to make a movie with a guy who had eyes on his hands, I was like "whatever floats your boat, dude." But as your friend and paid life coach, I've got to tell you, your recent proclamation that extra roles in The Hobbit films will be filled by fans of the movies may be the worst idea anyone's ever had. And to prove it to you, I invented time travel, went into the future, and brought back a review of the movie. Yes, that’s what a good fucking friend I am. Then I destroyed the time travel device. Why? Because it's function had been served. So take heed, Lermo. THIS is where you’re headed if you don’t wise up. Del Toro’s The Hobbit Should Have Gone There…And Not Come Back Again

The first of two proposed movies based on Tolkien’s The Hobbit was released this week, and by now it’s a fair assumption that Director Guillermo Del Toro has fled to Spain to escape the bloodthirsty mobs that roam the streets, calling for his blood. All this reviewer can say to those who would kill the man simply for making such an awful movie is: I own a boat. What makes The Hobbit so uniquely terrible? Perhaps it is that it defames such a beloved work of literature. When a scene as classic as the Elven picnic is interrupted by the background elves continuously jostling one another in order to get close enough to steal pieces of Lembas bread, your movie’s in trouble. I’d warn of spoilers, but it seems to me that one can’t really spoil a big plate of shit. In Part I of The Hobbit

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, the “acting” work, almost exclusively in group scenes, contains a number of filmic atrocities the likes of which I’ve never witnessed. Rampant, unjustified departures from the original story included:

A goblin warrior referring to his sword as “+1.”

A giant spider pausing mid-lunge in order to request an autograph from a captured Dwarf.

The complete disregarding of Bilbo’s supposed invisibility by a Lake Town local who proceeds to snap photos of him on an iPhone.

A number of goblins marveling aloud at the fact that Gollum is just a tennis ball on a stick.

Two trolls agreeing that “this is so awesome” while chasing the dwarven party through the woods.

And worst of all, a total breach of character on the part of Bilbo when, instead of eloquently preaching against war to the Five Armies, he simply screams to the attendant multitudes: “Shut up! Just shut up! Will you nerds just please shut the fuck up?!”

In the end, Mr. Del Toro appears to have had so little control over his set, one wonders if he’s ever even heard of poisonous gas. The Hobbit? More like The Bobbitt. By which I mean this film was so bad that it cut my dick off and flung it into the street.

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In a parallel timestream, Michael is still head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!