It gets weirder. In an earlier sex scene, while the guy is massaging her back, this happens:
He lightly bit Ashley's earlobe, ran his tongue back down the length of her neck, and continued across the top of her shoulders, all the while massaging the top half of her arms. He then quickened the pace, massaging and licking her neck with more pressure.
I want you to imagine Bill O'Reilly, sitting behind a woman, just licking her back and neck like a novelty-size Creamsicle and wholeheartedly believing she's loving it. Then doing it faster. I mean, I don't want you to think that, because you've probably never done anything to me, but here we are.
Are you ready for the worst part?
He then dropped to the floor kneeling before Ashley, pushing her skirt up to her waist. Using a fair amount of pressure, he kissed her inner thighs, using his lips and tongue. His hands reached the waistband of her hose. Shannon gently gave a tug and Ashley lifted her hips. He slipped the hose down to her ankles, all the while continuing to knead her skin with his tongue.
Ashley was now wearing only brief white panties. By removing her shirt and skirt, and by leaning back on the couch, she had signaled her desire. Now, she closed her eyes, concentrating on nothing but Shannon's tongue and lips. He gently teased her by licking the areas around her most sensitive erogenous zone. Then he slipped her panties down her legs and, within seconds, his tongue was inside her, moving rapidly. Ashley felt intense pleasure building.
No, she didn't. I guarantee you she didn't. Far be it from me to tell this fictional woman how she gets off, but generally speaking, "just shove your face in there and start tongue-fucking" is not the proper procedure. It's called a clitoris, O'Reilly, look into it. I'm almost positive it existed in 1998. His confusion about what women want extends outside their underpants, too: At one point, he muses that "Women like confident men, but they also like little boys. For men, the trick was to combine the two qualities." Aw yeah, if there's anything that turns women on more than brown loafers, it's children.
He's almost like an AI that theoretically knows what sex is but has no idea how humans actually do it. He explains that a lap dance is "where a woman squirms around on one's upper legs and groin area," and like, I already knew that I didn't need Bill O'Reilly to explain a lap dance to me, but now I know that I actively need him not to. Being on top is "the dominant position," fucking is "friction," being turned on by danger is a "heightened risk-reward ratio," talking dirty is "using words that in polite conversation would have been vulgar, but in this context were extremely erotic." Those are exact quotes. Are you reading them in his voice? I know. Me, too. It's going to be okay.