This past Monday, President Trump met with his full Cabinet for the first time. Surprisingly few transcripts are available online, so I've taken the time to offer a fully transcribed account of the historic event. You're welcome.
President Trump entered the room and immediately farted. He took his seat, grunting loudly, and motioned for the adulation to begin.
"We are witnessing the winds of change and a new day at the United Nations," said Nikki Haley. "And a new day means new farts. Mr. President, the fart you released this afternoon was of exceptional quality. It had a nice mouth feel to it, and an almost umami flavor, with a nice oaky finish."
"Well, first of all, I'm blessed to have been appointed to the position of President Trump's Chief of Staff," said Reince Priebus. "I've never felt more alive. I had the great privilege of smelling one of your gaseous blessings, Mr. President. It was a truly invigorating experience from start to finish." Priebus turned to Trump, offering him a shy smile. Trump remained expressionless, but leaned slightly to the left. Priebus closed his eyes in anticipation. "It's divine, a true godsend," he murmured, lifting a trembling hand to his lips.
"What an incredible honor it is to lead the Department of Health and Human Services at this pivotal time under your leadership," said Tom Price. He continued, "The president's digestive emissions may be the healthiest I have ever heard. They start off strong, and continue with a stalwart resilience. The privilege, the very privilege of smelling them ..." Price had to pause, removing his glasses to wipe a tear from his eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's just ... I've never been so humbled. This is truly the greatest day of my life."
CIA Director Mike Pompeo inhaled briskly, pursing his lips. "Mr. President, it's an honor ... no, a privilege ... no, sorry. (Stupid! Stupid Mike! Stupid!) It's an incredible privilege to serve you and smell your farts. The way they waft in the updraft, like beautiful phantasms, tendrils flowing into my nose like a lover's kiss. I've never felt this way before, and I have an erection."
Ben Carson's head lolled to the side. An aide quickly increased the voltage running to the alligator clamps on his nipples, rousing him to consciousness. "What? Yes. Hello, Mr. President. Yeah. Here I am. It's been a great honor to work with- ugh, what's that smell? Smells like a possum died in- Is that- Oh, that's your fart, Mr. President? Mmm, yum, your farts smell so good." President Trump issued a snort, grunting brusquely, "I know." He made a subtle hand motion, and the aide shut off the power to Ben Carson's nipples, rendering him inert.
Mr. Jefferson Beauregard Sessions emerged from a tree stump. His eyes twinkled like stars. "I've a little ditty, a lovely little ditty to sing." He jumped up on the desk and started a lively jig. "Of a pres-i-dent brave and his farts that did ring." His cheeks were rosy as he jumped and skipped and capered around. "The most wonderful farts in all the land, the most delectable farts, now give him a hand, this pres-i-dent bold and true, and the land that he ruled and the farts that he blew!" He bowed with a flourish, and disappeared back into his stump.
Mr. Jefferson Beauregard Sessions
A gouty-looking Steve Bannon removed himself from the cover of shadow. He floated toward Sessions' tree stump, overturning it and shaking it vigorously. "Eeek!" squealed Sessions. Bannon thrust a ponderous arm inside, feeling around until he grabbed Sessions by the foot. "Eeeee, let me go let me go l-" It was too late for the wee Sessions. Bannon's mouth unhinged, revealing rows and rows of sharp teeth, which quickly masticated Sessions into a fine slurry.
Bannon devours Mr. Jefferson Beauregard Sessions
Trump nodded his approval and left the room, farting with every step.
Katie Goldin does more drawings and fart jokes on Twitter.
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