How To Stay Focused At Work, A Curated List For Donald Trump
Within only a handful of days Donald Trump ...
1) Was handed a hat to sign by a fan and then, a second later, threw the hat into a crowd as the fan hilariously shouted, "NOOOOO!"
2) Had to be nudged by Melania as a reminder to put his hand over his heart during the national anthem.
3) In an interview with Fox News, he constantly referred to Kim Jong-Un as "this gentleman," signaling that he may not even know the name of North Korea's leader and may even think Un lead North Korea during the Clinton Administration when he was only 16.
4) In an interview with Fox Business discussing his bombing of Syria, he had to be corrected by the interviewer when he said he had bombed Iraq.
5) In a speech in Wisconsin he forgot Paul Ryan's name, so instead called him Ron. Ron, as we know, is not Paul Ryan's name. It is Paul Ryan. Ron is your step-dad in the Tommy Bahama shirt covered in marlins.
Donny, I'm worried. I think the stresses of the job are getting to you. It seems like you're absentmindedly wandering through life without really paying attention to anything you're doing. When you start losing grasp of the smaller details it's only a matter of time before the bigger ones rocket by like they're on a Slip 'N Slide slathered with sex lube. But that analogy sounds like too much fun. The reality is probably more along the lines of Seattle getting nuked by North Korea.
What really worries me is that it seems like you have a history of being unfocused. The ghostwriter of The Art Of The Deal said you have the attention span of a 9-year-old "with ADHD." After eight hours of interviews your biographer, walked away certain you have ADD. And then there was the hour-long Washington Post interview where you kept getting distracted by a TV airing coverage of your presidential campaign.
It's fine to get distracted when Melania is gabbing your ear off about wanting to be released from her penthouse prison, but you've got to stay sharp on the job. So as a service to you, here are a few tips and tricks to help you stay focused in the workplace.
Get More Sleep
As much as I'd like to believe you're up at 3 am getting a good workout to start your day off right, I know you're not and I submit your late-night tweetstorms aimed at whatever minor nuisance triggered you that day as proof.
It's like if a serial killer left behind DNA samples, locks of hair, and two forms of ID as a calling card.
We tend to take sleep for granted. We think we can accomplish more by staying up late, and then we wonder why we're so exhausted and unfocused the next day during prime work hours. If you can just hold onto those tweets until the morning and use those extra hours to get some shuteye, you'll be less prone to simple mistakes, like forgetting Paul Ryan's name or sexually assaulting 20 women.
Start Your Mornings With A Good, Nutritious Breakfast
A healthy protein-packed breakfast is a marvelous way to start your morning. Studies show cognitive function is likely to improve when you've got a belly full of food early in the morning.
You, on the other hand, skip breakfast and instead (NSFW Playboy.com link incoming) do your hair for an hour and then watch cable news in the dining room you're not eating in. If you had just a little something to munch on in the morning maybe you would have enough energy to focus on those all-important intelligence briefings you have no patience for unless they're delivered in the style of the guys who read the fine print really fast in a radio commercial.
Set Aside Time To Indulge In Your Distractions
As president, you're on call 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You don't want your distractions to cut into your important working hours. That's why it's important that you set aside time exclusively for distractions. That's probably why you go to Mar-a-Lago. There you can relax and unwind. It's your own personal paradise where you can escape the stresses of the job and some come back on Monday with your head clear and your focus regained.
Problem is, you've spent about 20 percent of your presidency so far at Mar-a-Lago and you're still a fuck up. So what's your excuse?
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