Class War! A Handy Guide
It's no mystery that our economy is in trouble. The financial upheavals caused by lazy poor people have affected all of us, even me. In fact, especially me. Why just this week, for the first time in years, I was reduced to snorting cocaine off of an average-class hooker's ass. I felt so defiled afterward I puked Goldschlager all over the console of my private plane, Air Force Fun. But, as always, I must remain stalwart, and keep a cool head about me. I'm not the type to jump to conclusions. Therefore, you should understand how serious I am when I say that after reading this article about the widening gap between the rich and poor worldwide, I am officially predicting a violent class war that will leave millions dead. Not thousands. Millions. LOOK AT THESE CHARTS.
HOW TO NOT DIE WHEN THE GOVERNMENTS OF THE WORLD COLLAPSE
b) Sustenance.
2. Your preferred mode of transport involves:
a) Complimentary massage.
b) Wrapping more newspaper around your stumps.
3. Quick! Look in your wallet!
a) I can’t; I have a man who carries my wallet, and he’s in the other wing.
b) I can’t; I sold it to help with the childrens’ college funds, but then, having nowhere to put the money, bought gin instead.
4. If you were a tree, what kind would you be?
If you answered “b” a majority of times, or stopped reading the questions due to illiteracy, you are likely poor. You should immediately acquire a copy of The Communist Manifesto and a mop handle.
Now that you’ve determined what side you’ll be representing in the People’s Glorious Revolution, it’s time to prepare yourself for the coming bloodbath. Follow a few of my simple, common sense tips and you’ll stand a good chance of making it to the nextFOR POOR EYES ONLY
•The rich may have advanced laser weapons and Hydrogen bombs, but that doesn’t mean you can’t fight back. With the right mindset, virtually everything around you can be used as a weapon. See that mug of hot coffee? Consider it an ineffective hand grenade. What about that hot stove you slave over eight hours a day? Cover it with leaves, toss a fabergé egg in there, and wait. What about that old Smith and Wesson your Pa left you? You could sell it and buy some pens. Pens make excellent makeshift blow dart tubes.
•Remember, all you’ve really got going for you is numbers. By the very definition of class war, there are way more of you than there are rich people. If you expect to win, you’ve got to take full advantage of that fact. Rich guy surrounded by a moat? Corpse pontoon. Hard-to-reach parapet? Corpse tower. Don’t limit yourselves. With enough corpses, anything is possible.
•Prioritize your looting: a plasma screen may seem like the hot item right now, but after power goes down nation-wide and gas kills all the crops, those cans of beans are going to look a lot more appetizing.
•If all else fails, play the pity card. A moving address from a simple person with a humble heart can sway even the most jaded, entitled oil tycoon. Then, right when they’re tearing up, BAM! with the mug of coffee.
•If even the pity card fails, go for the disgust card. You may be used to the fetid smell of human and animal waste clinging to your body at all times, but I assure you, the rich are not. A quick roll in some offal before mobbing a bank can buy you valuable time while guards debate whether to toss their tear gas canisters or lose their lunches.
•When it comes to rewriting the Constitution of your country, try to get in on the ground floor. If possible, get yourself named emperor. It may not seem like a big deal now, but you’ll thank me later.
•Storm windows save you hundreds in heating bills over the long run. It’s just good sense.
DIAMONDS AREN’T FOREVER
•The poor are going to be fighting dirty, and coming at you fast and hard, so it’s important to start prepping now. Gun turrets, escape tunnels, electrified attack dogs; now is the time. I know you hate spending all that precious money of yours, but pony-ing up some dough now will save you the expense of robotic replacement legs later. Although, come to think of it, maybe that wouldn’t be so bad.
•The poor can use improvised weapons, and so can you. I know you haven’t lifted anything heavier than a fine Cuban cigar in decades, but there are plenty of low-impact ways for you to defend your homestead. A light push will suffice to send most medium-sized vats of molten ore tumbling down upon the filthy masses, and nothing says “lay off my Monets” like wildly swinging a gunny sack full of candelabras.
•Did you know cars are responsible for an average of 1.2 million deaths a year? Pretty low, I know. Have your chauffeur put the pedal to the metal and see if you can’t up that average. Bonus tip: a little Pledge and some elbow grease will do wonders for blood, teeth and any other miscellany that may get stuck to the grill.
•You have missiles. Use them. On poor people. Your property values will thank you.
•Jonathan Swift once penned a satirical article entitled "A Modest Proposal," in which he suggested that the rich devour the nation's poor children. I'm not going to comment on that, but I will
When not writing for Cracked, Michael incites rebellion as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!
