Blogger Wins Weblog Award, Tells Rest of Internet to Suck It
DOB: This had better be either an emergency or an extremely fat hooker.
Kevin: I… excuse me, is this Dan O'Brien?
DOB: That depends, who wants to know? And how fat are you? And, yes, it is.
Kevin: This is Kevin Aylward. Remember me?
DOB: (I squinted my eyes with anger, a gesture that went largely unnoticed due to the fact that this took place over the phone.) Well hello, Kevin. Kevin Aylward, the founder of the filthy Weblog awards. I remembered him from our conversation last week, wherein he explained that I didn't deserve any of his blogger awards because I wasn’t "newsworthy" or "relevant" or "a blogger." Not that I even
Kevin: I'm calling to let you know, we'd like to give you an award.
DOB: What? YES! Holy Shit that's awesome. Yes! Shit, I completely deserve this. Yes, yes, fuck yes.
Kevin: Alright, settle down-
DOB: Oh, I have so many people to thank. First and foremost, I'd like to thank myself. Without my support and unyielding dedication to excellence, none of this would've ever happened, and I'd be a sucker just like all of you chumps. (At this point, I'd be pointing at everyone in the audience, and maybe flipping off the presenter or dropping my pants or something.) I suppose that's actually the end of my 'Thank you' list, but, hey, let's hear it for Darfur, am I right? They're really making it happen over there.
I don't think I actually know anything about Darfur.
DOB: Pretty sexy speech, right? You can say it was, that's fine.
Kevin: No, I was just thinking that somewhere down the line someone profoundly failed you in some way, and I wasn't sure if it was your parents or the public school system.
DOB: I'd say it's a pretty mixed bag.
Kevin: Figured. Anyway, we're giving you an award. It's nothing special.
DOB: Are you gonna announce it anywhere, or do a press release, or call all of my enemies and ex-girlfriends? This whole thing sounds pretty special.
Kevin: No, no, and no. We're just going to email it to you and tell absolutely no one else. I can't stress enough how unexciting this is. Really, it just took a couple of seconds in photoshop. Truth be told, it's pretty meaningless. It was Sean Gleeson's idea, he's one of the other Weblog guys.
DOB: I knew you believed in me, Kevin.
Kevin: I actually still sort of hate you.
DOB: Ah, DOB and Kevin… Kevver. Guns n Roses' Stairway to Kevin. Happily Kever After. Ben Folds Fives' Whatkever & Kever Amen.
Kevin: Please stop doing this.
DOB: Research and Kevelopment.
He hung up, so I'm not sure if he even heard that last one, but I like to think he felt it. For the next few hours, I waited patiently by my computer for the email to come. What kind of award would it be? A trophy? Money? A handgun? How would they email any of those things? Right when I was about to call up Tomorrow Kever Dies, the email came, and my excitement and unbridled joy erupted all over my apartment.
I was the proud recipient of the 2008 weblogawards webLAME award webSTUPID award for jerks. 1 I was finally being recognized for all the hard work that I assume I must've done over the past year and a half. Granted, the Weblog site has a page with all of actual winners, and, granted, I'm not technically on that page, but, hey, I've seen the logos that those winners get. The word "award" appears on their certificate just once, while mine features it a total of three times. Mathematicians will tell you; this makes me three times the winner of all those other websites. Did you hear that, Stirrup Queens,
I'm that guy. I'm for the internet what Guy-With-Two-Wieners is to the world of boning. So suck it, Internet, you bumbling, mono-dicked failure. From here on out, I am officially "the award winning Dan O'Brien," and you can officially suck it till your face falls off. And even though I'd already been describing myself as an award-winner to everyone I meet, now it's finally true. If I ever get pulled over, I can flash my award and the cop has to give me his gun. If I'm ever interviewed, (like, for example, next week on
1To be slightly serious, here's something that will always make me laugh: Even though photoshop isn't the most complex tool in the world, what kills me is that, at the end of the day, somebody had to actually sit down and make this fucking award. It's not like they had one of these lying around and just forwarded it along. And it might not have taken a whole lot of time or effort, but somebody who, presumably has a job and a life, had to dedicate a certain amount of time in their day to actually design and create this award, all because of my retarded blogging. It is the small victories to which I will forever cling.