7 Dinosaurs You Could Take In A Fight
So, you've traveled back to the age of the dinosaurs, and monsters that time forgot (but nerds remember) are towering over you. What's a scientist, bumbling lab assistant or transdimensional God-being to do? The important thing to remember is that ancient history is just like prison: to survive, you've got to either make someone your bitch, or become someone's bitch. And unless you like the thought of gobbling down velociraptor dongs for 65 million years (and remember, there's no fossil evidence indicating that they weren't barbed), I suggest you start kicking some dino-tail. Assuming your iPhone’s still got coverage, here’s a handy shopping list of dinosaurs to start beating with a mop handle posthaste. 7. Compsognathus Why You Could Take It: Better known as “compys,” these are the little guys from Jurassic Park II that are basically the only dinosaurs in the movie the humans don’t consider a threat at all. In fact, in the video game version, you ate them for health. That’s how pathetic they are; they were relegated to the status of a power-up. To further their humiliation, Compsognathus were even the stars of their own childrens’ book, Pernix and Viva, which taught kids that it’s okay to be small as long as you have love (and don’t get devoured alive by bigger kids). Killing a mess of compys won’t do tons for your reputation, but at least the other dinosaurs will know you’re willing to crush those weaker than yourself.
Preferred Method of Dispatch: Boots. A club. Some dried mud. Basically anything you’ve got laying around.
Dino-Bonus: Compys are believed to have had a strong pack mentality, so there’s a good chance that if you can kill their leader the rest will follow you and do your bidding. Again, not really a formidable fighting force, but they could certainly fetch things for you or carry you around as a living throne.
6. and 5. Archaeopteryx and Microraptors
When not rending the very fabric of time with his mighty fist, Michael serves as head writer for and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!