You probably hate it when I set up an article topic and then immediately 180 on it, but hey, I'm the writer and can do what I like. I could even tell you how hot you look when you read my sentences and that I want us to go live on a houseboat together. What would you say to that? Please say yes. Please. But also, on to my 180 twist! You see, the vampire squirrel is a real animal, but it also is maybe (probably definitely) kind of a load of shit.
This little guy is adorable, and is generally known as the Tufted Ground squirrel when it's not disemboweling deer. What the hell, you say? Yes, tufted. But also, there are rumors that the squirrel will climb into low branches and, when an animal like a deer passes below, will drop on it, gut it, and eat its internal organs. Just the organs, mind you; not the meat or anything.
Gotta leave something for his moose buddies, after all.
The stories of this angry, bloodthirsty squirrel generally come from locals in Borneo, possibly from the town Fuckwithatouristan, but maybe from all over. Science has yet to record the savagery of the squirrel, and so far has mostly captured it sitting, with its bushy tail making it look less like a vampire and more like Donald Trump's hair -- which is still evil and bloodthirsty, but in subtly different ways.