Is it just me, or is it weird that in America, we have a tradition wherein we take children out in the woods, start a fire, and then tell them that supernatural beings exist and are hunting children just like them? "Boooo, why are you crying?" I've never read a thing about the afterlife that made total sense to me, but the picture of life after death stitched together by ghost stories is definitely the strangest. I feel like the rules for ghosts are all over the place, and even the things that are constant are confusing. So gather round, children, for a tale that makes no sense!
Ghosts Don't Get To Pick Where They Haunt
Think of a few examples of places that are typically said to be haunted: abandoned hospitals, old churches, the basements of spooky houses, Cracker Barrels, etc. Now think of places you would enjoy being for all of eternity. "Not in a musty basement" is the first thing that pops into my head.
I don't care how depraved you are, nobody wants to hang around a graveyard forever. Even if all you want is to be a creep and murder people, wouldn't you at least pick a location with maximum foot traffic for victim options? Murderous ghosts should be haunting a mall in Paramus, New Jersey if they're going for a gross number of people spooked. I guess if we're talking scare quality over scare quantity, a spooky location can make sense. But most ghosts just spook through creepy whispers and slamming doors. You can do that shit most anywhere.
Haunting an abandoned psych ward has got to be 99 percent sitting around waiting for someone to show up so you can murder them. Even when someone does show up to your rotting murder barn, they're obviously not very smart. The smart people stay away from creepy locations. Do ghosts not like to be challenged these days? Just once, I would love to meet a ghost who's looking for an intelligent, funny, charismatic woman to murder. A ghost who loves the outdoors, but doesn't mind staying in and watching Netflix. A ghost who ... oh, sorry.
Also, if all ghosts got to pick where they haunt, the front row of Beyonce concerts would be the most haunted place in the world. Hawaii would be an uninhabitable nightmare island, and you could never get a good parking spot at Costco because all of the ghost cars would be haunting the best spots. So I guess ghost locations are assigned by lottery drawings. Some get Waikiki, and others get the ass crack of a broken Chuck E. Cheese's animatronic.
You're Incapable Of Emotional Growth After Death
This is the spooky thing that haunts me the most about ghosts: Why do the creepy little children in 1920s sailor suits still want to play with toys? They're 90 years old. Shouldn't they want to play with cigars, or the stock market section of the newspaper, or a Make America Great Again hat? They should be floating around their scary playroom complaining about avocado toast and hip hop, not riding an antique rocking horse.