Also, if all ghosts got to pick where they haunt, the front row of Beyonce concerts would be the most haunted place in the world. Hawaii would be an uninhabitable nightmare island, and you could never get a good parking spot at Costco because all of the ghost cars would be haunting the best spots. So I guess ghost locations are assigned by lottery drawings. Some get Waikiki, and others get the ass crack of a broken Chuck E. Cheese's animatronic.

What about ghosts who lost something before they died and are doomed to spend eternity looking for it? I look for my car keys for five minutes before I decide that they're gone forever and I can't leave the house that day. What is it about death that gets people so hung up on things that they will literally spend eternity moaning about them instead of moving on to some other spooky venture? I don't mean to critique the dead, but maybe look into some hobbies. Do ghosts play badminton? Hey, I'm just throwing out ideas.

If a good ghost isn't being used to warn someone about a bad ghost or person entering their life, they're presented as a victim whose spirit is being held hostage by a bad ghost. Either that or they're unable to cope with their unfinished business. If you listen to one hundred ghost stories in a row, you can't help but get the impression that good ghosts are totally lame, and if you want to have any fun in the after life, you better start racking up evil points right now. Now excuse me while I go rip a crucial page out of a library book and throw some Skittles at strangers.

What are the style rules for the one outfit that we wear forever? When you die, is your first stop in the afterlife a dressing room? If so, why aren't ghosts flashier? I would go full Glinda the Good Witch if I got to pick my ghost outfit. My afterlife would consist of two jobs: spooking people and looking damn good in a Cinderella dress.

I suppose in a lot of cases, it's a whatever you die in that you wear in your forever situation. If that's the case, I'm going to have to make sure I never wear anything uncomfortable for the rest of my life. Imagine being trapped in spanx for all of eternity. No, don't! I don't want this article to be too scary.

I feel like the lack of ghost stories about animals is proof that animal ghosts don't exist, because I can't think of anything scarier than a ghost shark. Jaws is easy to avoid; you just don't go in water. But if Jaws was a ghost, I would never leave my house. There's no place to hide from Ghost Jaws. Can I trademark Jaws 5: Ghost Jaws? I'm going to consider this my trademark. Oh, they already made a movie named Ghost Shark? Forget Hostel and The Human Centipede, the horror genre has finally gone too far.

I love animals, but a lack of ghost animals is probably a good thing in the long run. Imagine how many ghost bugs there would be in this world if animal ghosts existed. So many spirit spiders would be out for revenge against me. Sorry I didn't let you guys bite me while you were alive. Get over it.

I wonder if we only see recent ghosts because we can't take ghosts from too long ago seriously. Being haunted by a Roman ghost speaking ancient Latin would probably just be confusing. If I woke up and there was a guy in my bedroom wearing a toga and speaking gibberish at me, I would assume he was a lost drunken frat boy. I'd just put on some Lil Jon, pat his head, and put him to bed.

When ghosts get too old, they probably just get frustrated and go away. "I have to learn English to haunt them? Fuuuuuck that. Do you know how insanely hard that language is to learn? I have literally all the time in the world and I'm not going to do it. I'll happily fade into nothingness now." Or maybe it's all the newfangled technology scarring ghosts off. Snapchat would be terrifying to a caveman ghost. It's a tiny box that distorts our face so we look monstrous, and we love it! Poor caveman ghosts are probably more scared of us than we are of them. Honestly, we should all really be nicer to ghosts. It sounds like a rough afterlife in general.

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You can find plenty of ghost stories that inspired all kinds of assumptions about the afterlife or for some real world supernatural business try Ghostland: An American History in Haunted Places and trust any house again!

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