5 Advocate Groups Who Are Shockingly Angry For Dumb Reasons
There are so many annoying people out there that it's a wonder the world isn't a giant Thunderdome. We should consider UFC fights romantic first dates, because at least they have a chaperone to make sure things don't go too far. But somehow we settled down into a society and, in general, can concentrate on important issues to make the world a better place. But some people find the most ridiculous things to rage about instead.
Breastfeeding mothers are the very image of nurturing humanity. But some suffer from the Nursing-Kreuger effect: They think that lactating gives them special insight into a nightmarish world in which our young are regularly tortured. Ask a mothering forum about bottle-feeding, and you'd swear it was for aliens and involved spitting acid as their jaws open to bite your child's face off.
"My neighbor's kids were bottle-fed, and now they're all Cthulhus."
Breastfeeding your baby is wonderful, but it doesn't make you an expert on all areas of child-rearing -- in the same way that masturbating is fun, but doesn't make you an expert on sexuality. All you're doing is providing a bit of biological fluid and feeling better about yourself. And it's offensive to fling your fluids at others who didn't ask for it. Which doesn't stop some mothers from screaming as if every bottle was bursting with Bane Venom.
For self-secreted experts in all human biology, they don't seem to understand that people are different. Some people don't breastfeed, or can't breastfeed, for any of an array of reasons far too personal to get into with someone who's decided that "Mother feeding their child" is a valid target for public attack. There are orc tribes sneaking up on hobbits with better ethics.
"Look, I know that you have your own experiences, but I'm just awful, okay?"
Breastfeeding and formula are the ultimate human success stories. We've got our original method and the technologies we've invented to be better than mere nature. Which is the point of technology. The secretion of fluid from mammary glands isn't the ultimate level of natural nirvana; it's a pre-installed function of some tits. Most monkeys can do it. Not even every monkey, because bodies aren't born perfectly. But what makes (most of) us better than animals is that when someone's body behaves differently, we don't shriek and hurl shit at them until they're driven from the tribe.
I'm all out of bullets in my "Be a reasonable human being" gun, too.
Bodybuilding is a lot more productive than becoming a Level 90 wizard, but about as useful for solving modern problems. In fact, it can cause more, because it's a brilliant pastime but a shitty identity. Which is how bodybuilding forums become Ecto Containment Units: electronic grids filled with raging spirits just itching to fling slime on people. The result is a powder keg filled with whey and testosterone. Which is also a pretty good physical description of the worst offenders.
Even their memes make you want to LIFT your computer and hurl it out a window.
These forums created the "Do you even lift" meme, the only thing in the world that's worse when it's not ironic. Arguments explode like the herniated biceps brought ever closer by people pounding their CAPS LOCK keys. Some are incapable of counting anything they can't deadlift, and spend pages screaming about how many days there are in a week (no, seriously, that's a genuine argument that happened). Either that or the incredible mass of their gains really does distort the swole-time continuum around their workout schedules.
This exchange destroyed more keyboards than Hulk playing piano.
Losing an intellectual debate with a calendar is bad, but to get really pathetic, you need to hear them whining about women.
Thanks for the advice, bro.
They've been convinced that six-packs are guaranteed babe magnets, and then burned by the reality that most women don't fantasize about being trapped under a sweating butcher's display. They go mad about nerds so much as standing near girls, and even madder about nerds mocking them for that, in an awful cycle of smashing their testosterone against electronic barriers like barbarians badly losing in an episode of Star Trek. It's almost as if everything they learned about alpha manliness is bullshit rendered obsolete by technology. The same technology now transmitting their tears to the world.
Have you tried not being you? That might work.
Wrestling Site Commenters
Go to the comments on any wrestling site, and you'll find fans accusing each other of being fans. Which you'd think was the entire point of the comments section, website, and multi-million-dollar industry. There could only be more layers to this imaginary world in which fans aren't cool if M.C. Escher advertised air conditioning.
"Ugh, BTX-9000, you're such a thermodynamics mark."
"You're just a Cena mark!" one will cry before claiming that HHH is objectively better, as if wrestlers grappled with fundamental forces of the universe. But wrestling can't be objective. Physics can't prove a DDT is definitely better than a Tombstone Piledriver, because Physics is too busy wondering why they don't just repeatedly hit each other with chairs if they're allowed to do that, until its granddaughter, Biology, explains, "Because it's more fun, duh."
It's this bizarre inversion where athletes are paid to pretend to fight physically, but the fans end up hating each other for real. If I like Alberto Del Rio and you like Cesaro, we're done! That's our entire requirement to enjoy all the matches! And we'll both enjoy one particular match even more! Discussing their relative strengths is fun, but criticizing people for being biased toward one wrestler over another is the most dangerous game a fan can play. Once you start examining the reality of wrestling, it collapses like a Spanish announcer's table. But that's what we end up with on every single wrestling comments section. Every comment, no matter how innocent or meaningless, ends up breaking down into this:
Park Trail Users
Park trails are some of the most beautiful locations in the world. They have all the idyllic peace of the wild and all the modern security of not being devoured by hungry carnivores. Unfortunately, the whole point of a trail is allowing humans on. So of course we ruin it. Hikers, bikers, and horseback riders are locked in a low-tech version of Motorstorm: Wilderness Rift, a conflict for domination of the gentle pastoral strolls. It's Mad Max without the drought and a maximum of one horsepower.
"Don't look at me, I just work here."
They're ridiculously angry online, because it's ridiculous that any of their anger would be online. Their whole deal is being offline, all-natural, and accelerating away from a keyboard as fast as their chosen locomotion will allow. But when these groups come together on forums or social media, watching the ensuing hatred is like witnessing the death throes of an impending supernova. And what is the crux of 90 percent of these spats? "No, I know more about nature."
"We both like the environment, and we hate each other for it."
And they rarely begin without some comically large bias intact ...
Some have started self-destructively sabotaging the trails to win pointless fights in the shittiest possible example of our entire species. There are reports of potentially lethal wires strung across trails, or logs and rocks hauled around to hamper anyone on anything but foot. You'll notice that these strategies only make sense for the foot traffic faction. But these guerrilla tactics are only sane when cavalry is invading your country, not when you're sharing a public park.
"I know more than a few guys," usually means "I know one guy."
As with all of the items on this list, there are a few specific kinds of sword enthusiasts. The first and best of these are those who think that swords are awesome, because they are. Most of us are actually in that category, so high five. The worst of these are those who swing blindly in the direction of anyone who might dishonor their holy weapon of choice. Unable to act like the ancient warriors that they revere, they're forced to use more modern tactics. And by that, I mean they call people "retard" in YouTube comments.
Just like the samurai used to do.
A lot of katana enthusiasts can be found in that second category. They're dedicated to a weapon several centuries out of date, but using Google alerts to check for attacks every five milliseconds. At which point they prove that their blades are useless in the 21st Century by trying to defend them at long range.
"Tawagoto o hanashite ita kikimashita!"
YouTube is full of katana demonstrations, and if you read through the comments sections, you'll find that absolutely no one except the person currently writing the comment knows how to use one. For instance, in this video, a man with the most infectious laugh on the planet acknowledges that he doesn't know everything about katanas, but wants to "mythbust" with them, probably because katana comments are like Superman comics: With every new one, the subject gets an incredible new power that makes it even more unstoppable and perfect. It's a bit presumptuous to "mythbust," but why get mad at him? He just wants to see if the katana can cut through stuff. "Fun? Nah," says the internet. "Let's make this punk regret all of his interests, and then argue about anime for no reason."
The comments are often alternate history fanfiction. They explain how the ancient katana makers somehow invented nanotechnology by hand as they "folded" the metal ten million times. Never mind how they only folded it because they were using the shittiest possible metal, or how folding it more than 20 times makes it even shittier. The average katana wielder would be better off rolling up a newspaper.
Plus, every newspaper reminds you that it's 2016, aka "Katana Kryptonite."
They will pour out pages of bullshit about "five-body blades", and yes, that's a blade which can hack through five bodies in a single swing, because no weapon is worth anything unless it deals Dead Rising 3 levels of damage. It's also amazing how many amateur metallurgists just happen to wander by to spout more random numbers and imaginary metals than the Terminator franchise.
If you enjoy katanas because they're ridiculously cool, that's brilliant! Have fun! But if you must fantasize about a blade which can cut through anything, made with magical ancient technology, and utterly immune to everything we've ever learned about physics, just imagine lightsabers like the rest of us.
You've got a dumb username, but your heart's in the right place.
Enjoy Space Marines vs Independence Day and The Greatest and Goofiest Ghostbusters Games.
Luke has a mailing list, website, tumbles, and responds to every single tweet.
Learn how surfing the web teaches its own philosophy in 3 Things the Internet Always Gets Wrong, and see how The Dark Knight answers questions about the social contract in 5 Mind-Blowing Academic Theories as Taught by Classic Movies.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel to see why the internet might be cursed by Hitler in The A.I. That Turned Into Hitler: An Analysis, and watch other videos you won't see on the site!
Also follow us on Facebook because it is the edgiest thing you can do on the internet next to making fun of someone in the comments section anonymously.