I think this section deserves its own subtitle:
Why Rubbing One Out in Your Office Bathroom Will Save America
by JF Sargent (Age 26)
There's little dissent between the scientific and 12-year-old-me communities that one should masturbate as much as possible, although there are two arguments for it. My argument has always been that that Victoria's Secret catalog is taking up otherwise valuable Terry Pratchett bookshelf real estate, so I may as well put it to use, while the scientific community insists that it's because masturbation protects against prostate cancer in men and does about a thousand awesome things for women. I'm not sure what a tented cervix is, but that's fine -- why would I need to know that? It's also worth noting that masturbating improves your mood, which is obvious, but important because I want to point out that being happy makes you live longer. In short, lots of masturbation = a long, happy life.
Now turn your eyes, squinted with effort and pleasure though they may be, to the workplace. According to this meticulously researched and brilliantly written article, science says that any business' elderly employees consistently "are more productive, are more loyal, and make more money than their younger counterparts," and yes, I did just quote myself. The only people more valuable than the old employees are the happy employees, since sad employees will destroy a company's chances for survival. The implications are obvious: If we don't allow employees to masturbate in the workplace, we may be putting the future of our entire civilization in jeopardy.
What This Means for You
Siri Stafford/Digital Vision/Getty Images
The overall trend is clear: Freakier sex means better lives. And we need to utilize this information in the place this matters most: the world of politics.
If we want our world leaders to be mentally stable, with a strong bedrock of emotional fortitude and the physical well-being to lead long, healthy lives, then we need to make sure they know how to get freaky in the sack. From now on, I propose that every candidate running for public office should base their campaign platform on how imaginative their sex life is. Scratch that: Instead of "should," let's make that "must." Sexlections are my prediction for the future. Which means your job is clear: You must go buy every item on these lists (and this video) and spend the rest of your life working to become the hyper-sane sorcerer-god f**k machine we need, and lead our people to a new golden age.
For legal reasons, JF Sargent must clarify that he does not masturbate in the bathroom of the Cracked offices any more than you might expect. Follow him on Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook.