3

New Shoes

Couleur/Pixabay

What's the oldest pair of shoes you own that you actually wear more than twice per month? I have some fancy-boy shoes I'll wear to your funeral, but those get very little wear, as do my resplendent dancing shoes. Of the shoes I do make a habit of wearing, I think my oldest pair ever was perhaps five years.

2

Toilet Paper

condesign/Pixabay

No other purchase will ever infuriate you on the same basic level as toilet paper, because no other product will you or can you ever buy so frequently and leave covered in shit. And not only that, not only do you suffer the indignity of paying for a product that will inevitably be covered in shit, but it is through no wrongful act nor omission that toilet paper becomes covered in shit. If it's doing its job properly, it will be smeared with feces and thrown away. How have we come to tolerate such a commercial transaction?

kropekk_pl/Pixabay
"My brother got milled into entrance exam forms for Harvard. Meanwhile, I became ... this."

Toilet paper represents the eternal struggle of the 99 percent and the high-pitched giggles we can safely assume the 1 percent make every time they buy a new yacht they can park their old yacht inside. It's not a smack in the face; it's a dry scrape across your asshole, every single day, that says, "Hey buddy, you a millionaire yet?" And of course you're not. And you're not getting any damn closer when you're giving the cashier at Walmart $12 for a pack of paper covered in bears who couldn't be more thrilled to wipe their asses with overpriced paper that leaves your butt so clean you could wear your underwear a second day. Do you know they say that in one of the commercials? You could wear your underwear a second day, because they feel they've sluiced enough shit from your crack it'll barely be noticeable if you want to double up on a lack of sanitation. No guarantees on whatever happened at the front door, mind you, but your back door is clean enough. Not clean, by any discernible definition, but clean enough. Because fuck you.

"Fuck you" is the sound each and every square of toilet paper makes when you wipe it down your crack. You may hear nothing or just a gentle rustling, but if you hooked up some CIA spy gear you'd hear it clear as a bell. "Fuck ... you ... fuck ... you ... fuck ... you." And then laughter. Hollow, mirthless laughter.

1

Cars

PublicDomainPictures/Pixabay

Sweet fancy Moses, have you ever purchased a car in real life from a real guy who you can't help but think is lying to you every time he speaks? What a daunting process. Nothing is less appealing than trying to buy a car, from the moment you walk onto the lot to look around until about 50 hours later when you finally finish signing all the paperwork and stapling your genitals to your thigh. That goes for you too, ladies. Do those Kegels.

Nothing is more off-putting, and that includes catching your grandma coming out of the tub in all her Melisandre-without-her-necklace glory. I mean, that's off-putting, but it isn't an all-day ordeal that costs you $20k, either.

HBO
Day before your warranty expires.

HBO
Day after.

Because I live on the internet I'm fully capable of researching what kind of car I wanted ahead of time. And I did. And then I found a lot in town that had decent financing deals, decent ratings from past customers, and a good mix of cars that fit my needs. From the first day I went to that lot until the day I got my car, I think I spent more time talking to a chubby man in a polo shirt than I did anyone in my own family. "Yes, the car you want is OK, but what about this car? No. I see you're well informed, but have you considered this? Yes. Ah, well, let me just talk on the phone to someone for 30 minutes; you don't mind sitting here like an idiot waiting, do you?"

"It's not enough to want this car -- do you want the special edition? That one has an ass warmer. Do you want the deluxe special edition? That one has a cup holder in the back. You could hold up to four cups at once, bitch! Do you want it with the app? Install the app. Did the app work? No? That's OK; it only works in about 20 percent of cars anyway. Your entire dashboard is a useless piece of shit now, but you can still listen to radio. Remember radio? Remember AM radio? It comes with that."

lqiuz/Pixabay
"The ultimate edition offers ultrasonic taint massaging seats that sync with your Spotify playlist."

Next to a house, a car is the largest purchase the average person is ever going to make. That deserves some kind of respect, because even the guy selling the car has to go through the same experience; can't we have any empathy? Can't we not be assholes for the duration of one fairly sizable transaction? Don't try to sell me a retractable rectal gear thermometer for only an extra $2.67 per month over the course of a three-year contract. I'm not human shit; why do you have to be?

Zoroastrianism used to be one of the biggest religions in the world, but their idea of heaven had a slight twist on it: to get there you'd have to cross a bridge. Sometimes rickety, sometimes wide and sturdy, if you fell off you'd go to the House of Lies for eternity. Fun! Not terrifying at all! This month, Jack, Dan, and Michael along with comedians Casey Jane Ellison and Ramin Nazer as they discuss their favorite afterlife scenarios from movies, sci-fi and lesser-known religions. Get your tickets here and we'll see you on the other side of the bridge!

Give yourself the gift of fiscal responsibility when you read 8 Essential Black Friday Purchases To Make This Year, and get your refurbish on in 5 Tips To Avoid Getting Screwed By Your Next Online Purchase.

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