4 Fan Fiction Excerpts from Celebrities
Captain of the USS Enterprise and all around philosophical genius, Jean-Luc Picard once said, "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery." Don't bother trying to find the episode because you won't. He said it to nude Jethro Gibbs while painting his portrait in a TNG/NCIS crossover piece of fan fiction I found online. Even though Picard was using it to seduce Special Agent Gibbs, it doesn't make the sentiment any less true. What's more, I don't think there's anyone more willing to squeeze out heaps of sincere flattery than fan fiction writers.
"Stick around, Data, I want to show you what human love looks like."Fan fiction affords people the opportunity to celebrate their favorite franchises and novels by hijacking the carefully constructed universe from each, and clumsily forcing all the characters to have sex with each other. Granted, not all fan fiction devolves into sex, but all the ones
Barack Obama -- Firefly Fanfic
Excerpt #1For the first time in her history, Serenity has no charted course. Adrift in a foreign galaxy, the crew sleeps. As ship mates, as brothers, sisters, as human beings, they are simply not prepared for the trouble they'll soon face. They're just not. This unknown star system harbors many threats, namely, Reavers.
Let it be known: I hate Reavers.Mal awakens. Yawning, he rises as he does each morning, to do the work of man. He climbs out of bed, quietly so as not to bother Inara or Simon or River. Staring at their slacken, naked bodies, he fully weighs the costs and benefits of telling them the truth. They are out of fuel. It's that simple. And without a renewable energy source found soon, the crew will mutiny and choose another captain. He reminds himself that a coward is much more exposed to quarrels than a man of spirit. Still, he elects not to wake them.
"Come here, quick. It's hiccuping."
David Caruso -- CSI New Miami, Magnum P.I. Crossover Fanfic
Excerpt #1There is a body cut in half. It is dead. A bunch of the good guys stand around it. They are looking at it and waiting until Horatio gets there. He does get there, on a horse. Everyone claps. Horatio looks at the body and sees it's a teen girl. She's dead but she's still pretty hot. He counts the rings inside her and sees that she's 18 so it's OK to notice she's hot. Not everyone thinks to do that.
It also looks like there was a bad drought when she was 13.The blonde one: What do you think, Horatio?Me: I know how to throw knives. The Cuban one: Me: You're right. The one thing this girl and our killer have in common is that they both split.The other one: Let's use this box of stuff to detective on her. Me: Good idea. Suddenly a helicopter lands. It says "Island Hoppers" on it. Magnum and TC get out with beers. Nice. Magnum walks up to Horatio and the body. They high five with their guns.Magnum: What have we got?Me: The one thing this girl and our killer have in common is that they both split.Magnum: Ha! Yeah! We're on it.The blonde one: Hold on. We are working this case already.Magnum: Oh, damn. Wait, I've got an idea ... Magnum and Me together: Crime solving race!Horatio and Magnum shake on it. The winner gets to sex the lab girl for a whole sun gone. They put on their bulletstopping jackets and go looking for the bad guys. Miami is hot.
"I'm ordering now. What does everybody want?"At the pizza place some terrorists are there. They have drugs probably and guns. The girls scream but Horatio and Magnum don't wait for backup and kill all the guys except one. He tells them where the treasure is buried. Then they shoot him.Me: Yes! We CSIed it together. It's a tie. Magnum: We win together. Teammates.The girls cheer and everyone has a pizza party.Montage of science reactions in test tubes.Case closed.
Mark Zuckerberg -- Lord of the Rings Fanfic
The Council of Elrond gathers in silence, glancing at the ring as they sit, knowing that to own it would be to control the world. They have only to reach out and take it. "Thank you for everyone for coming on short notice," Elrond begins. "We are faced with an unwieldy power in this ring. No man can posses it without the ring corrupting his soul. It wants to find its creator. It wants to find Sauron.""Aye, and what if it does?" says Gimli."Sauron would take all of Middle-earth for his own, and rule over it for eternity," Aragon answers.Legolas stands, "We have to destroy it. It is too powerful.""Agreed," says Boromir. "Sauron must never be allowed to touch it.""Wait. Wait a second guys." Gandalf, wisest of all men interjects. "This is going to sound crazy but maybe we should just give it to him.""What? Give it to him? You mean like a gift?" Elrond asks."No. I mean, he did build it. It's rightfully his. He's really gotten a bad rap lately, but I'm not sure he totally deserves it.""No man should have that much power," Legolas adds."Ehh, maybe," Gandalf offers. "But maybe he'd do good things with it. We don't know. Do we? Maybe he has some great things in mind for everyone. I mean, he already watches everything we do. He knows us."
Souls have no privacy settings.
Oprah Winfrey -- Oprah Winfrey Fanfic
Excerpt #1With the last joint soldered, Oprah flips up the protective mask and admires her creation. It's done, her time machine is complete. Sliding off her gloves, she sits back into her throne and sees only the potential in front of her. Still, there are a lot of safety issues to consider. It is dangerous to try right away, she ought to test it first on something inconsequential, but Stedman is in Florida for the weekend and he has been skittish about helping her with projects ever since the cloning fiasco. "At what point does the reward outweigh the risk?" she asks herself knowing that if it's now, history will remember this day forever. She fantasizes not only of the past moments she intends to visit but of the future, when the world will have no choice but to take notice of her achievements, handsomely presented in a six-page spread of the August issue of O."C'mon Oprah, be honest with yourself," she says aloud. "Everyone always knew it would be you."Decided, she stands and without any hesitation, climbs into the travel pod. All that accompanies her in the tiny chamber is a newspaper to prove she is from the future, a copy of
For disturbing scenes from fanficdom, check out The 5 Most Baffling Sex Scenes in the History of Fanfiction. Or get more from Soren in 8 Letters from the Elementary School Where I Guest Lectured.