4 Fan Fiction Excerpts from Celebrities
Captain of the USS Enterprise and all around philosophical genius, Jean-Luc Picard once said, "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery." Don't bother trying to find the episode because you won't. He said it to nude Jethro Gibbs while painting his portrait in a TNG/NCIS crossover piece of fan fiction I found online. Even though Picard was using it to seduce Special Agent Gibbs, it doesn't make the sentiment any less true. What's more, I don't think there's anyone more willing to squeeze out heaps of sincere flattery than fan fiction writers."Stick around, Data, I want to show you what human love looks like." Fan fiction affords people the opportunity to celebrate their favorite franchises and novels by hijacking the carefully constructed universe from each, and clumsily forcing all the characters to have sex with each other. Granted, not all fan fiction devolves into sex, but all the ones worth reading certainly do. While scouring through the sexualized fanfic about Ziggy Stardust and pretending that each mention of Bowie was actually me, I discovered that a few famous people are actually writing their own fan fiction every day. Below are my favorite four. While some of them hint at the longings and desires of the celebrities themselves, most of them are just opportunities to make beloved characters do each other.
Barack Obama -- Firefly FanficExcerpt #1For the first time in her history, Serenity has no charted course. Adrift in a foreign galaxy, the crew sleeps. As ship mates, as brothers, sisters, as human beings, they are simply not prepared for the trouble they'll soon face. They're just not. This unknown star system harbors many threats, namely, Reavers. Let it be known: I hate Reavers. Mal awakens. Yawning, he rises as he does each morning, to do the work of man. He climbs out of bed, quietly so as not to bother Inara or Simon or River. Staring at their slacken, naked bodies, he fully weighs the costs and benefits of telling them the truth. They are out of fuel. It's that simple. And without a renewable energy source found soon, the crew will mutiny and choose another captain. He reminds himself that a coward is much more exposed to quarrels than a man of spirit. Still, he elects not to wake them.
David Caruso -- CSI New Miami, Magnum P.I. Crossover Fanfic
Mark Zuckerberg -- Lord of the Rings Fanfic
Oprah Winfrey -- Oprah Winfrey Fanfic
For disturbing scenes from fanficdom, check out The 5 Most Baffling Sex Scenes in the History of Fanfiction. Or get more from Soren in 8 Letters from the Elementary School Where I Guest Lectured.