5 Services the Rich Can Hire to Outsource Their Whole Life

If your own parents aren’t quite satisfactory, hire some actors to serve as replacements
5 Services the Rich Can Hire to Outsource Their Whole Life

Got no friends? Got no family? Got no enemies? Don’t worry about it! Everything you could possibly want from someone else can be purchased from strangers. All it will cost you is a fixed fee — as well as certain percentage of your soul, because farming out your life in this manner strips away what it means to be human.

So, no downside basically. Reach for your phone and credit card, and go hire such people as...

Someone to Name Your Baby For You

You have lots of ways of picking a name for your new child. You can pick a name that’s been in the family. You can pick the name of an old lover, about whom your spouse knows nothing. You can pick whatever name is big in pop culture at the time, because “Chani” is a great name for a girl and will absolutely never be mistaken for “Johnny.”

Or, you can hire a professional to take care of the matter for you. For $1,500, a professional baby namer might provide you with a list of names (the sort of thing you can also get from a $10 book of a baby names, which is also considered a rip-off). For slightly more than that, they’ll dig into your family tree, which is another thing that a stranger should not really be able to do more easily than you can. For $10,000, they’ll choose a name that’s “on-brand with a parent’s business,” which is a concept so bleak that you can surely think of several celebrities who must have used this service. 

Kanye West

David Shankbone

There’s no way this guy thought of “North West” himself. We’d sooner believe Jay Leno thought of it. 

Of course, when you pay someone to name your baby, the chance of their picking anything remotely normal is slim. If they say, “I dunno, have you thought about Angela?” that would not justify their fee. And afterward, you must take their suggestion, whether you like it or not. Because if you pay someone 10 grand and then don’t use the name they gave you, well, that would make you an idiot, wouldn’t it?

Fake Parents, to Meet Your Teacher

If you’re a student, and your school demands a meeting with your parents, you don’t want to bring your actual mother or father to come hear of your misdeeds. What you really need is some actor who can play the part, keeping the truth from ever reaching home. You can rent such an actor if you live in Shanghai. We don’t have a photo of any of these actors, be we do have an image from the classic Saved By the Bell episode “Rent-a-Pop,” which serves as the clear inspiration for this business.

Saved by the Bell Rent-a-Pop


It's okay, Mark-Paul Gosselaar is half-Asian.

Fake parents serve other functions in Shanghai as well. Suppose your significant other wants to meet your family, either because things are getting serious in the normal way or because this is part of an arranged marriage, and your potential in-laws need to evaluate you all and discuss terms. You can’t use your own parents, who are already arranging an entirely different marriage for you and have no idea about this one. Clearly, you must hire some actors. You can find them advertised on posters in the same parks that advertise marriage markets, or you can pick one out using a dedicated app. 

And what happens later, when your real parents find out what’s going on? You’ll probably have to kill them. Shanghai offers many professionals who can take care of that for you, too. 

A People Walker, to Talk to You As You Walk

If you want someone to walk your dog, you can hire a dog walker. But what if you want someone to walk you? For that, maybe you can hire Chuck. 

People Walker

The People Walker

One of these two people is Chuck. We’ll let you guess which.

Walking in Los Angeles can be lonely, so that’s where Chuck comes in, to keep you company. Walking in Los Angeles can also be tiring, which is why you need Chuck to motivate you. Walking in Los Angeles can even be dangerous, but you have nothing to fear with Chuck — no one has ever died under his watch. 

Chuck perhaps does not qualify as a service for rich people, as he charges just $7 per mile. This isn’t nearly enough to make a living. So, we’re not too disappointed to not see any updates from him for the last few years, as it suggests he’s moved on. Thanks to our brief time together, we now have the strength to move on as well. 

Someone to Wipe Away Your Tears

Maybe you’re looking to pay for a slightly more intimate connection. There’s the option of paying for sex, but you already knew about that. Did you know, though, that if you live in Japan you can hire someone to come and wipe your face as you cry?

Ikemeso Danshi

Ikemeso Danshi

It costs extra if you want them to do it without a tissue.

The company is called Ikemeso Danshi, which means “handsome weeping boys.” That tells you that not only will a professional from this company come to watch a movie with you and comfort you as you cry — he’ll also cry himself, which is a level of (simulated) vulnerability you may be unable to tease out of any real boyfriend. 

As you browse the site and look through headshots of these handsome boys, you might speculate whether this is all just a cover for straightforward sex work, particularly when you see the pic of the man provocatively holding an oboe. That’s a legitimate question whenever you hear anyone letting you hire them for any reason. With Ikemeso Danshi, we’re going to say the service is definitely not used for outright sex, at least some of the time, if only because one common application of the service is to have one of the guys come comfort you as you cry in your cubicle at the office

A Personal Kidnapper

Not everyone wants to pay for comfort. Some prefer pain. Sometimes, they want it in a sexual setting (but of course), but sometimes they don’t, which is why you can pay the French to abduct you and lock you in a cellar. 

Sidney Pitzl/Unsplash

Not the wine cellar. The other cellar. The filthy one.

According to Ultime Réalité, the company that opened a decade ago to offer this service, someone may have many reasons for paying for their own kidnapping. Perhaps they want the “real sensations of violence.” Perhaps they want to craft some sort of exposure therapy, to cure them of their phobias. Perhaps they just need a good excuse not to show up at someone’s party. They could address these issues by paying $2,000 (or more, if your custom experience requires extra elements, such as a helicopter). 

According to police, the service is “not strictly illegal,” which is the highest endorsement such a company can hope for. The client knows exactly what the experience will entail in advance, and they’re able to opt out in the middle of it if they want. The one real wild card element is that the client never knows when the abduction will occur. 

A really smart company would take your money and then never deliver the experience. After all, anticipation is the ultimate thrill. 

Follow Ryan Menezes on Twitter for more stuff no one should see.

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