5 Horrible Things That Happened to People’s Butts

5 Bullion, Milk and Whiskey Up the Butt

President James Garfield died in 1881, after an escaped lunatic shot him in the arm and back. Note that we did not say an assassin killed Garfield. The assassin shot Garfield, but the bullets missed all of his vital organs, and the president lived another 80 days. He died, historians now say, not just from the bullets but from how the doctors treated him.

First, the doctors were very concerned with getting the second bullet out. They weren’t sure exactly where the bullet was, despite using a metal detector on the patient, so they plumbed the depths of his wound with dirty fingers. This infected him. Then the doctors said to each other, “Hey, let’s do butt stuff to him. It’ll be fun, and no one can stop us.”

They shoved liquified food up his butt — beef bouillon, eggs and milk, along with whiskey and opium. They couldn’t let him eat, they said, because the bullet might have perforated his intestines (it really hadn't). And so, the president of the United States starved to death, with his stomach empty but his butt very full. 

4 Bitten by Your Own Attack Dog

In 2016, police in Florida ordered a robbery suspect to lie on the ground. The guy, Avery Davis, had his pit bull with him, and he hugged the dog as he got down. “Y’all gonna have to kill us,” he said. Then — if we trust the police account of the incident, which we shouldn’t necessarily do — he got up and fled. Police shot him with a stun gun, but this only slowed him down briefly because he was soon up again and fleeing once more.

Now, Davis let the dog off his leash. He told the dog, “Kill ’em boy, kill ’em,” while pointing at the cops. Like we said, we can’t be sure this police report tells the whole truth, but we are sure about what happened next. Instead of attacking the cops, the dog sank its teeth into Davis’ buttocks. He fled again, and police tracked him down later. It’s possible that the dog’s move flummoxed the police, explaining why they didn’t fire again at either man or dog. 

Should we file this one under “inept criminals” then? No, we shouldn’t. Because Avery Davis, it turns out, wasn’t a criminal at all. Police had gone after the wrong guy and tried arresting him for nothing. At least, they had no cause to arrest him at the time. When they later caught up with him, they used his dog maneuver to charge him with aggravated assault on a cop and resisting an officer with violence.

3 Filled With Compressed Air

Continuing with our discussion about when you should or shouldn’t believe people’s stories, let’s talk about New Zealand trucker Steven McCormack, who fell on a hose in 2011. 

Every time you hear about someone who injured their butt, and they say they did so by “falling on” an object, you should mistrust them. They probably inserted the object on purpose, for sexual gratification. Ask any nurse, and they will tell you this. McCormack wasn’t one of those liars. McCormack didn’t wind up with a hose nozzle up his anus through debatable means. McCormack fell on a hose, and the fitting ripped through the muscle of one buttock, which is an experience no one would desire.

That was painful. What happened next was stranger. This was a compressed air hose, connected to the brakes in his truck, and the air now flowed through the hose, entering the man. It separated butt fat from butt muscle. His skin crackled as though it were cooking. He felt like he were blowing up like a balloon. But he survived, and he’s now available for interviews about how the working class is dealing with inflation. 

2 Water Ski Douche

No, we’re not calling people who water ski “douches.” We are instead referring to the injury known as “water ski douche,” and otherwise known as “rectal douche” or “jet enema.” We’ll pause for a second so you can guess for yourself what this injury might entail.

In 1992, a middle-aged woman went waterskiing — we don’t have her name, because such details are omitted when a case appears in the American Journal of Gastroenterology. She lost her footing, and the jet of water ended up blasting right into her rectum. The pressure wasn’t quite as high as the 100 psi of that compressed air hose from New Zealand, but it was a hell of a lot harder than that of a showerhead. The jet tore through her rectum, and doctors had to give her a colostomy. 

We can’t call that a one-off freak accident because it happened here and here and here, too. Protect yourself when waterskiing, warn doctors. If not with a full suit of armor then at least with a wetsuit. 

1 Cooked as Steaks and Fed to Children

Katherine Knight wanted to marry her boyfriend John Price, but he wasn’t into the idea. So, she videotaped some items he’d scavenged from his workplace’s dumpster and sent the tape to his boss, to get him fired. This didn’t improve their relationship. In February 2000, she stabbed him in the chest, and this didn’t improve the relationship either. Then, later than month, she stabbed him 37 more times, killing him.

She skinned the body. This formed a perfect pelt, including skin from his ears and genitals. She cut off his head and put it in a cooking pot. To make a more meaty dish, she sliced up his buttocks and baked them in the oven. She peeled vegetables, to serve with the buttocks as a balanced meal for two of his children.

Knight went on to be the first woman in Australia to be sentenced to life without parole. Authorities have no firm advice on how to stop something like this from happening again. But if you ever tell your partner that you enjoy having your ass eaten, be sure to get explicit about specifically what you’re asking for. 

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