18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, October 25, 2023

18 Roy Wood Jr. on Cops

“I don’t know what they’re going to do between us and the police. Every day, the police might get called on you while you’re trying to get coffee. The police might get called on you while you’re trying to barbecue. Police might get called on you while you’re trying to mow the yard, take a nap, sell some water. At this point, if you’re Black, the safest thing you can do every day is call the police on yourself. The white people are going to call anyway, so you may as well take the power back.”

17 Kate Berlant on Her Privilege

“How do I do it? The bravery. The bravery of what I do. I do comedy. I was forced into it, but I do it mostly as a way to deal with the overwhelming privilege of my childhood. Just kind of a white woman in America. Just kind of all the resources that were available to me at such a young age. And my parents, since I was born, were like, ‘We love you, you’re special.’ It’s even still they give me that love, and they’re still together, whoa! Just the weight of that is crippling.”

16 Christina P. on Motherhood

“I want to be an ’80s mom. They had it the best, didn’t they? There used to be a commercial that came on at 10 o’clock at night that said, ‘It’s 10 p.m.; do you know where your children are?’ They had to remind bitches they even had kids!”

15 Dave Chappelle on the Ukraine-Russia War

“How is Russia losing to Ukraine? That would be like America losing a war to Colorado.”

14 Kyle Kinane on the Holocaust Museum

“The majority of people who go to the Holocaust Museum are through field trips. Which I find a tad ironic since somebody’s like, ‘We got this Holocaust Museum, how are we gonna get people in there?’ 

“‘Well, we can transport them in against their will.’ 

“‘Whoa, has our marketing guy been inside yet? You can’t just look at the pictures; you have to read the captions.’”

13 Michael Che on Taxes

“When you pay taxes, they let you keep all of your money, all year, at the end, they say, ‘You owe us 40 percent.’ Which is a lot for me because I don’t know what I’m paying for. I’ve never dialed 911; I put out my own fires.”

12 Jim Gaffigan on Popeyes Chicken

“My favorite type of fried chicken is Popeyes. I love that name. ‘Oh, I get it. Popeye was a sailor, and your food goes through me like a torpedo.’”

11 George Civeris on His Recent Breakup

“I just got out of a really long relationship. It was over a year ago, but I haven’t matured. We were in a long-distance relationship — emotional distance, we actually lived together. But when you go through a breakup, you have all these intrusive thoughts that you can’t control; your brain is doing its own thing. Has anyone here experienced intimacy? So I would just wake up every day and have all of these unwanted thoughts, like, ‘I have to get a wrist tattoo… that says BREATHE.’”

10 Cristela Alonzo on Exercise

“I’m trying to get into shape. Went to the gym today… I’m going inside tomorrow.”

9 Patton Oswalt on His Rom-Com Audition

“I got an offer to audition for a romantic comedy, and they wanted me to audition for the (sings) gayyyy besttt frrrrriieeeeeeend (ends singing). It’s 2011; I might as well put on Blackface and tap dance.”

8 Mitch Hedberg on Protests

“I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”

7 Rodney Dangerfield on His Marriage

“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”

6 Nate Bargatze on Marriage More Generally

“Marriage is like, did you ever go to a concert and you see a mosh pit, and you’re like, ‘You know what? I’m going to go get in that mosh pit.’ But then once you get in it, you’re like, ‘I do not want to be in this mosh pit at all. I am going to leave and go get some beer.’ And then the mosh pit’s like, ‘Didn’t you drink last night?’ All right, mosh pit, why don’t you get off my back and let me live my life?”

5 Mark Norman on Hot Dogs

“The hot dog is the perfect symbol for America — it’s enjoyable, but the more you look into how it was made, the less you wanna know.”

4 Adam Muller on Ocean Junk

“There’s this area of the ocean where all the trash is accumulating because of currents and stuff. Apparently, it’s massive. It’s called Florida.”

3 George Carlin on Raw Sewage

“When I was a little boy in New York City in the 1940s, we swam in the Hudson River, and it was filled with raw sewage. We swam in raw sewage! You know, to cool off. And at that time, the big fear was polio; thousands of kids died from polio every year, but you know something? In my neighborhood, no one ever got polio. No one! Ever! You know why? ’Cause we swam in raw sewage. It strengthened our immune systems. The polio never had a prayer; we were tempered in raw shit!”

2 Maria Bamford on Her Lady Boss

“Sometimes it’s hard to work for a lady boss, especially when she tries to act like she’s your friend. She calls you ‘honey’ and ‘sweetheart’ and ‘Girlfriend, heeeyyyyyy! I want you to take a break, take a walk, get me a latte, and it’s 2-percent milk; you should know that by now, hahaha.’”

1 Neal Brennan on Landlords

“The worst part about having a landlord is having to call the landlord ‘landlord.’ It’s a bit of an exaggerated title. For a guy who rents out rooms to strangers for money? Like there’s something medieval about the whole thing. That’s why whenever I see my landlord now, just to mess with him, I’m always like (bows), ‘Mi’lord. Mi’lord, I come to thee from Apartment 4J.’”