Jim Jefferies Did A Two-And-A-Half-Hour Set With A Kidney Stone in His Bladder and Doesn’t Remember A Minute of It
It’s not uncommon for a great comedian to find themselves accidentally (or purposefully) chemically incapacitated shortly before a set and somehow manage to pull a banger out of their ass. Jim Jefferies did it from the other side.
Anyone who has ever had a kidney stone understands that there is a merciful eye-of-the-storm phase after the devil rock passes from the kidney to the bladder and before it slips out the front door during which the horrible pain (mostly) subsides. This window of brief relief can last hours, days, or even a couple weeks before the dreaded final act starts — certainly long enough for a comedian to squeeze out a set for a bunch of obnoxiously friendly Canadians before the downstairs terror sets in. That was the situation in which Jefferies found himself during his recent touring leg of the Great White North.
After Jefferies checked himself into the emergency room in Kingston, Ontario, Canada with splitting side pain, Canada’s socialized-for-citizens-only healthcare system doped him up with enough morphine to ease the six millimeter stone’s passing from his kidneys to his bladder — right before he was scheduled to play a show in Ottawa. Jefferies’ resulting doped-up set turned out to be a two-and-a-half-hour hour barn burner that was absolutely unforgettable — for everyone besides Jefferies.
“I wake up to the doctor on the phone (with) my manager, who might as well be called Colonel Parker,” Jefferies told his host on last night’s Jimmy Kimmel Live! of his post-morphine moment of consciousness in the emergency room. “And the doctor’s on the phone like, ‘I can give him some drugs that will help him stand up.’” Jefferies explained how, contrary to popular belief, the most painful part of passing a kidney stone is the rock’s journey from the kidney to the bladder, and the Canuck clinician pumped him full of an unspecified cocktail of painkillers to carry him through the worst part of the ordeal and right into the green room.
A heavily hazy Jefferies made it to the theater right as the stone passed into his bladder, then, apparently, he performed the show — or so he was told the next morning. Jefferies says he had no recollection of what happened once he hit the stage, quickly scouring the internet for embarrassing reports as soon as he returned to sobriety. “My show’s only about an hour and a half long — turns out I did two and a half hours,” Jefferies said, “People liked it! I’m not going to say it was my best work.”
That following day, Jefferies returned home, spending nine hours on multiple airplanes with the looming threat of the penile pebble’s emergency exit hanging over both his heads. “It looked like an emu eating a coconut,” Jefferies said of his genitals as the stone began its final descent. “If it helps, use an ostrich,” he said for the American audience.
As for the length and severity of the last leg of his kidney stone’s tour, Jefferies glibly proclaimed, “This is the only time I’ve been really happy to have a small penis!”