13 Great Jokes from Kyle Kinane

13 Great Jokes from Kyle Kinane

Kyle Kinane is the kind of philosopher who also says, “Hold my beer.” A veteran stalwart of the stand-up scene and the definitive comic’s comic, it’s easy to see how Kinane has endeared himself to crowds with his no-bullshit demeanor and captivating storytelling.

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With all of this in mind — and in honor of Kinane headlining our Cracked Live! show tomorrow night in New York City — here are some of the funniest jokes he’s plucked from his head and put into ours…

On Politics

On Spider Bites

“I got bit by a spider on Friday. I’m not a fan of comic books, so I can’t make that kind of joke, so if anyone here is a fan of Spider-Man comics, I’d like to know how long Peter Parker had diarrhea before the cool shit started happening.”

On Dummy Email Accounts

On the Holocaust Museum

“The majority of people who go to the Holocaust Museum are through field trips. Which I find a tad ironic since somebody’s like, ‘We got this Holocaust Museum, how are we gonna get people in there?’ 

“‘Well, we can transport them in against their will.’ 

“‘Whoa, has our marketing guy been inside yet? You can’t just look at the pictures; you have to read the captions.’”

On Christianity

On Perspective

On Cops

Kinane on the awkwardness of seeing a little bit of yourself in a cop.

On Freedom of Speech Discourse

On the Haymarket Riot

On Drunk History, Kinane had a couple of drinks and unfurled his retelling of the striking workers of Chicago getting into a violent brawl with the police in 1886. Meanwhile, Kinane had his own battle against sitting upright.

On His Wealth

“I have more money than I have ever had in my entire life right now. Before you get excited, it’s not a lot of money. I can confidently put a down payment on an ‘09 Camry right now. Cloth seats. I mean, as far as the payments? Who knows? I don’t know, that thing’s gonna get repossessed by December, probably.”

On Waterfalls

“Now, I’m not a God-fearing man, but if I was going to believe in something, it would be the moment in which you’re staring at a waterfall alone and going, ‘Oh man, whoever created this, that’s their tapestry cascading over their own creation, and this is amazing.’ But there’s always going to be a voice that says, ‘Hey Kyle, what if waterfalls are just rivers trying to kill themselves?’”

On Almost Dying in a Ramen Shop

On Comedy Central’s This Is Not Happening, Kinane recalls a time when he had a poor sexual experience and then found himself nearly dying afterward while getting some Japanese hot noodle soup. You know, that old classic tale.

On Phở

“If you don’t know what phở is, it’s a Vietnamese soup that answers the question, ‘What happens when a former child soldier pours hot rainwater over fish nightmares?’ It’s delicious, and I can’t stop eating it. That’s what happens. That’s what happens. And for those of you that know what it is, you think I’m saying it wrong. It’s spelled P-H-O, and people are like, ‘It’s pronounced ‘fuh,’’ and they get all upset. ‘It’s pronounced ‘fuh.’’ I don’t care. I’m already eating it. What more do you want from me? I’m guaranteeing there’s nobody in Saigon right now going, ‘It’s pronounced ‘meatball sandwich,’ don’t be culturally insensitive.’ So I’m going to continue to support the Vietnamese community by eating phở all the time instead of just correcting people’s pronunciation of it.”

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