17 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, September 18, 2023
Have you ever wondered what would have happened if you had asked that one person out? You know the one. The one that isn’t in your life now but could have been your partner (or even your spouse). Do you think they’re happy? Would they be happier with you? Probably. Likely because you know all of these jokes that you could tell them.
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Mitch Hedberg on Soup Du Jour
“I’m sick of the ‘soup of the day,’ man. It’s time we make a decision. I need to know what ‘soup from now on’ is.”
Tig Notaro on Pick-Up Lines
“I was at a party, and this guy was hitting on me. But he was hitting on me with the most boring questions. One of them was, ‘If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?’
“And I was like, ‘Anywhere?’
“And he was like, ‘Anywhere.’
“I was like, ‘To the other side of the room. Now, please get out of the way of a woman and her dream.’”
Demetri Martin on Burritos
“My friend had a burrito. The next day, he said, ‘That burrito did not agree with me.’ I was like, ‘Was the disagreement over whether or not you’d have diarrhea? Let me guess who won.’”
Steven Wright on Rest Areas
“I saw a sign on the highway that said ‘NEXT REST AREA 25 MILES.’ I said, ‘Wow, that’s pretty big. People must get really tired around here.’”
Robin Williams on Women in Power
“A woman would never make a nuclear weapon. They would never make a bomb that kills you. They’d make a bomb that makes you feel bad for a while.”
Mike Birbiglia on His Physique
“I’m not the kind of guy who has a huge weight problem, but I am the kind of guy who could really put the brakes on an orgy. Everyone would be like, ‘Was he invited? Why is he eating a cake?’ I’ve never been in an orgy. I feel like it’d be like what happens when I try and play pick-up basketball. Like, no one passes me the ball; everyone asks me to keep my shirt on.”
Amy Schumer on Her Son’s Name
“Our son’s name is Gene. He was named Gene for my husband’s mother — Jean was her name. And then we named him Attell for his middle name — after Dave Attell, the incredible comedian. Yes, he’s an old family friend of mine. And then my husband’s last name is Fischer. So anyway, we name our son, and then, about a month into being a new mom, not a vulnerable time at all, I realize that we have named our son Gene Attell. Genital. Genital Fissure… Anyone else ever fuck up to that extent? Probably not. So, we immediately changed his middle name. I hope it’s better. We changed it to “Dingleberry.” Is that good? Will that do well in school?”
Wanda Sykes on Sex
“For guys, sex is like going to a restaurant. No matter what they order off that menu, they walk out saying, ‘Damn! That was good!’ “For women, it don’t work like that. We go to the restaurant; sometimes it’s good, sometimes you gotta send it back. Or you might go, ‘I think I’m going to cook for myself today.’”
Kyle Kinane on Pizza
“I was once delivered an unsliced pizza. Everything you believe in just unravels. Everything you hold true. To some people, it sounds like a simple mistake. Not me. I took it personally. I was like, ‘That’s somebody down at Domino’s making a judgment call on my life. That’s somebody seeing my name come up on one too many tickets and finally just being like, ‘Listen, man, we know that you’re probably gonna eat this by yourself. More than likely, all in one sitting too, so... You know what to do, man. Just fold it in half and bon appetit.’ Just ’cause they were right, I didn’t appreciate the assumption. ‘You don’t know me, Domino’s! PLUMPH! Mmmm... This giant taco tastes like Italy!’”
Michelle Wolf on Marriage
“Brides will say things like, ‘It’s my day. It’s my special day.’ But how do you call it your day if your dad’s paying for it? I think it’s his day, and I think it’s a really weird day for him. He’s paying a ton of money to make sure a man has sex with you that night.”
Taylor Tomlinson on Her Attractiveness
“I think I’m pretty cute, but in an accessible way. Like when you see a shower curtain at Target, like ‘I can afford that.’”
Bill Burr on the WNBA
“(The WNBA) have been playing in front of 300 to 400 people a night for a quarter of a century. Not to mention, it’s a male-subsidized league. We gave you a fucking league, none of you showed up! Where are all the feminists? The place should be packed with feminists! Faces painted, wearing jerseys, flashing their titties! Going nuts like the guys do with their big beer titties! None of you went to the fucking games. None of you — you failed them, not me. Not men; women failed the WNBA. Ladies, name your top five all-time WNBA players of all time. Name five WNBA teams. Name the WNBA team in your fuckin’ city — you can’t do it! You don’t give a fuck about them. They play night in and night out in front of nobody; it’s a fuckin’ tragedy.”
Chelsea Handler on Romantic Comedies
“At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall all the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.”
Doug Benson on Seattle Weather
“In Seattle, they have a saying: ‘If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.’”
Kevin Barnett on Conversion
“Change religions for a girl? That’s crazy. Can you imagine what your boys would say? ‘Kevin’s so whipped, he’s Jewish!’”
Joan Rivers on Her Looks
“I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley’s Believe It or Not, and he sent it back and said, ‘I don’t believe it.’”
Patton Oswalt on Post-COVID Buffets
“Not only are buffets gonna come back, they’re gonna come back with this weird, own-the-libs vengeance. Every one of them’s gonna have an agenda: ‘Come on down to Captain COVID’s Alpha Males Only Buffet! Are you the kind of leftwing soy boy that needs a sneeze guard over your clam chowder, or are you able to fuck your wife? Then come on down to Captain COVID’s. Show us proof you ain’t been vaccinated, and get a free platter of room-temperature scallops.’”
