13 Perfect Dark Humor Jokes About Childhood

Many of us look back at our childhoods fondly, where our fresh eyes unlocked doors to new and exciting wonders. But we tend to forget what a nightmare it is to be small, uneducated, inexperienced and subject to the schedule, standards and whims of our parents, our school and the world-at-large. It can be pretty traumatic. Thankfully, that trauma can be turned into jokes.

As such, darkness from childhood has long been fertile ground for comedians. Experiences that no one in their life would ever want to relive are creatively transformed into laughs for audiences to either be grateful for their own upbringing or to say, “Damn, that’s fucked up, just like my childhood.”

Along those lines, we’ve rounded up some of the best dark humor jokes about childhood that will make you laugh-cry so hard that you might need to call your parents afterward...

13 Ian Lara on His Family’s Love Language

“I was on a date once, and a girl asked me what’s ‘my love language.’ I was like, ‘I don’t even know what that is.’ She was like, ‘How did you feel love from your family growing up?’ And I was like, ‘Oh… threats of violence.’”

12 Caleb Synan on His Religious Upbringing

“My family is very strict Christian; they don’t curse. But they do say horrific shit that happens to be clean. Like we’re all sitting out on the porch, and it started raining when the sun is out. My uncle’s like, ‘Ah, rainin’ when the sun’s out. You know what that means: The devil’s beatin’ his wife.’”

11 Taylor Tomlinson on Parents Doing Their Best

“Have you guys realized that your parents messed you up yet? You find a stray dent in your head, and you’re like, ‘What happened there?’ And they’re like, ‘We did our best; that’s what happened there. You were slippery.’”

10 Pete Davidson on Getting Condoms From His Mom

The Crunchwrap salesman has detailed how his mom tried to encourage safe sex by offering him condoms in the most non-mom way possible.

9 Dusty Slay on Growing Up in a Trailer Park

“I grew up in a trailer park in Alabama, and we had a pretty good time, but I’m not sure why they called it a ‘park.’ There weren’t no rides in there.”

8 Moshe Kasher on Growing Up With Deaf Parents

Kasher had a unique upbringing due to being able to hear while his parents could not. One such situation was his deaf father forcing him and his brother to act deaf like a dick so they could all get the “deaf discount” at the movies — which doesn’t exist.

7 Jimmy Carr on Siblings

“All parents have got a favorite. If your parents told you they didn’t have a favorite, you weren’t it. Unless you’re an only child. If you’re an only child and your parents told you they didn’t have a favorite, that is bad.”

6 Jo Koy on Raising Kids

Koy’s advice to new parents is to take as many pictures and record as many videos as they can of their children while they’re young. Why? EVIDENCE.

5 George Carlin on the Cult Around Children

“Somebody’s gotta tell you for your own good: Your children are overrated and overvalued. You’ve turned them into little cult objects; you have a child fetish, and it’s not healthy. Don’t give me that weak shit: ‘Well, I love my children.’ Fuck you! Everybody loves their children; it doesn’t make you special. John Wayne Gacy loved his children. He kept them all right in the yard near the garage.”

4 Christopher Titus’ on the Solution to School Shootings

Titus dares the NRA to put their money where their mouth is by proposing a simple solution to stop people from coming in to shoot up schools: Arm the children.

3 Hasan Minhaj on Slapping Kids

“Do you know when brown kids get slapped at birthday parties? Every brown birthday party! And usually, it’s the kid whose birthday it is. We stand there, we point at him and we laugh, ‘Ah! Biju got slapped on his birthday!’ That’s what makes us tough and resilient. It’s why we become cardiologists and win spelling bees.”

2 Maria Bamford on Motherly Advice

“My mother told me before I went to my first girl-boy party in the eighth grade, ‘Maria, remember what we talked about gonorrhea, syphilis, herpes, one-two, watch the cold sores, date rape is a lot more common than people think, you look so gorgeous, you were conceived in Groton, Connecticut in one night at a campsite, I’m not saying you weren’t planned, I’m just saying Bamfords get pregnant like falling off logs, oh, Jenny’s mom is here to pick you up, have a good time!’”

1 Moses Storm on His Ice Creamy Pool Vomit Birthday

Storm made his Tonight Show debut on his birthday, discussing one of the worst and most liquid-based birthdays he ever experienced as a kid. Just don’t watch this video during your lunch break.