‘Succession’s Logan Roy Asked for a Roast, So We Gave Him One

Me, Myself and I — Tara Ariano , TV Critic and ‘Cracked’ Contributor

When it comes to politics, Logan’s a kingmaker thanks to his news network, ATN. In the case of this presidential election, Logan didn’t only choose the king — he supplied a joker, too. 

Is Connor here? Connor Roy, congratulations on spending nine figures to poll at 1 percent. It must have been hard to find a venue for your election night party that would accommodate your supporters. Does Soho House give you a discount if your guests can all fit in the men’s room?

But back to Logan Roy, a great man. Behind every great man is a great woman, and that’s certainly true of Logan. Just for starters, he’s got two wives so far behind him that he’d have a hard time locating them with a telescope.

And Logan’s been a longtime supporter of women working for his companies, from ATN to his cruise ships, and working at all levels — below sea level, sometimes!

Omar L. Gallaga , Tech/Culture Writer

Some people say Logan Roy is like a lion in winter, and it’s absolutely true. He’s the ruler of all he sees, roars to establish his dominance and marks his territory where his enemies might roam with piss all over the carpet.  

I worry that Logan might lean on the phrase “Fuck Off” a little too much. It’s like right turns: four of them, and you’re back in his face getting yelled at again.

Brandi Brown , Minnesota Comic and Writer

You’re the dad from Family Circus but hateable, with kids who are somehow dumber than the kids from Family Circus. I would rather let Ida Know and Not Me raise children instead of you.

You’re like a faded car decal of a senile Calvin pissing on something. And that something is your legacy but you think it’s the toilet where your failson does cocaine off the seats, because as I said you’re a senile old man. Do you even know another person is roasting you right now, Logan, or do you think it’s the Ghost of Waystar Future that lives in your head? Drink some cranberry juice for fuck’s sake, you walking UTI.

Karen Geier , Writer and Brand Strategist

Logan Roy is so intimidating, his piss doesn’t even want to come out of his dick.

David J. Roth, Co-Founder of ‘Defector,’ and co-host of the podcasts ‘The Distraction’ and ‘It’s Christmastown’

It’s great to get a chance to clear up some misconceptions about Logan Roy. There’s so many of them. People talk about him as this humorless, sadistic, immoral beast of a person, someone severely lacking in empathy and humanity, as if he’s this gigantic ogre — and that’s just not true, he’s actually 5-foot-9, which is an average height. 

They never talk about the work he’s done to support kids in need. For instance, did you know that Logan quietly paid to send four kids who grew up in abusive, dysfunctional homes to elite high schools and then to college? It's true! Kendall even went to business school. But they don’t talk about that. 

Instead it’s all “Logan Roy is so manipulative and he yells at everyone all the time, he has no values or redeeming qualities to speak of, he’s done incredible damage to the country just through the sheer force of his awful personality.” Never the fact that he’s the father of three or four kids, depending upon whether he remembers that Connor exists. 

They never talk about his finer points, his sense of humor and fairness and love of family. And all just because no one has ever actually observed them. Well, that stops today.