A Glossary of the Best Innuendo ‘New Girl’ Writers Created to Get Around the Network Censors

All of Jess’ Slightly Altered Words for ‘Penis’

Early on, in Season One’s fourth episode, “Naked,” Jess (Zooey Deschanel) reveals her inability to say the textbook word for dong in front of Nick (Jake Johnson). It turns out that, according to those pesky rules of Standards and Practices, the word “penis” was only allowed to be said five times an episode. The creators clearly rolled with this censoring by having Jess say the word more than that, only slightly altered every time. 

Babybels

A thing Schmidt (Max Greenfield), our resident horny monster man, said when once referring to Cece’s (Hannah Simone) breasts. The man is nothing if not cheesy.

Beans

In the pilot episode, Coach (Damon Wayans Jr.) doesn’t want Jess to move into the guys’ apartment because of his balls. More specifically, because he won’t be able to let his “beans” hang out.

B-Hole

The show was apparently not allowed to use the term “a-hole,” so they opted for “b-hole” instead. During an interview with The A.V. Club, the showrunners said they were eventually allowed to say “dick,” for which they were very grateful. “As long as we weren’t referring to male genitalia, you could have a character call another character a ‘dick,’” recalled Brett Baer. “And we were like, ‘Oh my God, this is incredible.’”

“Ass” was apparently fine to say, though, as proof of this clip from Season One.

Bishop in a Turtleneck

Since the word “penis” had its limits, it’s no wonder Schmidt came up with a whole new phrase for an uncircumcised wang. Whether he knows that it originates from Hedwig and the Angry Inch is up for debate.

DTF — Darn Tootin’ Fun

As part of circumventing Standards and Practices, the creators often made the censorship rule part of a joke that could easily fit into a sitcom. When Jess discovers a new dating app in Season Four called Dice, she ignores Schmidt’s warning and creates a profile. In her bio, she adds DTF, which she explains simply implies that she’s “darn tootin’ fun.”

Hardening Caulk

Not subtle at all, which makes it hilarious that the showrunners also decided to use that big ol’ phrase in the episode's title — “Quick Hardening Caulk.” In this Season Two episode, Jess tries to resist her feelings for Nick, who is making it difficult for her as he yanks chains and shops for some hardening caulk at a hardware store.

Junk Mail

Also known as those pictures people send to other people to show them their junk. It truly is the perfect way to term a dick pic, even though it originates from Schmidt, who is most definitely an unsolicited serial junk mail sender.

Party Hats

A term Schmidt thought appropriate to use during his first meeting with Cece to refer to her “hard nipples.” The man is nothing if not a boob.

Pogo

While pogo initially meant a person’s most annoying attribute in the episode “Pepperwood,” Schmidt (of course) found a way to use it to make a penis joke. It’s a wild left swing, but we guess that’s just a Tuesday for the man with the tiniest party hats.